Verboten ~ a tribute to Helmuth Hübener

verboten=forbidden

You marched our soldiers,
Out to war.
And my brother
Followed suit

Back he came,
Verboten items
In arms.

A radio stood
Amongst the mix,
That shone
Like bright red candy.

It spoke of truth,
Of our wins,
And our losses.

With this news
I had to tell,
Oh, I had to tell,
The world!

For this truth,
I paid a price,
I paid a price
for us all.

From us you stole,
Our freedom and,
For that,
You have paid.

Though, when the,
Guillotine sliced my neck,
You unknowingly gave
My freedom back.

Hello! Peanut here.

You marched our soldiers,

Out to war.

I wouldn't put a period right here, quite yet. I think, judging on the next line, it is just there to bug the words in between.

Amongst the mix,

Not sure how to change this... it just doesn't sound quite right. It doesn't flow with fluency.

For this truth,
I paid a price,
I paid a price
for us all.

It might just be me, but I really don't think the repetition is needed here.

Though, when the,
Guillotine sliced my neck,
You unknowingly gave
My freedom back.

The line breaks in this are funky... try it more like this;

Though when the Guillotine,
sliced my neck,
you unknowingly
gave me my freedom
back.

Just a suggestion.
I like this poem! Not the best I've ever heard from you... but good!
[spoiler]6/10 ... good job! [/spoiler]

Hey Poem!

Sorry it took awhile for this review. I turned off the watched topic so I didn't realize I had replies. Hehe.

Nice poem you have here. It kinda gave me a revolutionary vibe.

You marched our soldiers,

Out to war.

And my brother

Followed suit

I agree with Peanut here. You shouldn't use a period, perhaps a comma.

Back he came,
Verboten items
In arms.

The last line seems kinda off. It may just be me because I'm no expert at poetry though.
Maybe change it to: in his arms.

A radio stood
Amongst the mix,
That shone
Like bright red candy.

Bright red candy? This seemed kind of odd to me as its the historical times and candy is just so modern and child-like. Unless you are talking about a child of course. Maybe change it to... Ugh. I can't think of anything. ... (thinking)


The last stanza was a good ending to this poem. I liked it the best!

Good job on this!

~Storm

Here as requested again, PoemPerson! I hope that the reason you're posting a lot in my thread is that I'm being helpful? ^^

I've got the admit, this doesn't make much sense to me. Now, this is most likely due to the fact that I have no idea who this guy is that you're tributing it to. So. This greatly hinders my ability to give you a proper review. Bear with me, love.

So, I'm really not sure what help I can give you, since so much of a poem lies in its meanings and words. It's obvious that this is some kind of general or troop leader, and most likely from Germany? But I don't think I'd be able to give you a comprehensive review if I just Googled the same. So, instead I'll try to help you with the structure and poetic form of this.

Rhythm, or lackthereof

Now, I am a syllable fanatic. Truly, I'll confess to that up front. It drives me bonkers when lines have off rhythms, or when there's just one too many syllables. Now, this poem has such short lines and stanzas that it's hard for you to really establish a true, concrete rhythm that you can go by, which also means that I can't really go through line by line and tell you where your rhythm is off. However, I can tell you that it really didn't flow very well for me. That's the problem with short, choppy poems like this-- since you can't establish a real flow, and you don't have a consistant rhythm, then the only think keeping this poem together is its meaning. And, the problem for me is, that meaning isn't really coming across quite strong enough.

Emotion/meaning/imagery

Your emotion is coming off as rather raw. It's stuffed into words that a short, blunt, and hardly stimulate us into feeling something deep or seeing what you want-- no, need---us to see. There's no imagery. Sure, you have emotion. It's good emotion, too. Anger at this person for taking so much away from you. However, I think that anger needs to be harnessed into something more than rough words slapped on a page. To use an analogy, they need to be more finely sharpened so that, instead of just hitting us over the head with this emotion, you can really pierce us with the fury. ^^ Sounds good? Try experimenting with imagery and some more interesting word choice and phrases than 'you paid the price'. It will interest your readers more.

So, I think this poem is more like something written to let out anger against somebody, not to display literary excellence. If you want to write a poem with a bit more to it thatn raw emotion, you'll need to explore some other poetic techniques. Google is your friend, love; us it to expand your horizons. Develop a poem with a style, instead of sharp, rough words thrown down onto a page. They need meaning, images, and feeling behind each and every phrase you bring into our heads. Think of it like an outlet for your pain. The better you describe it to us, the better we can help you (or your narrator) shoulder this pain, and the less you have to carry alone.

Good luck, and forgive me for my ignorance on the subject here!

~Evi