Finding You, part 5

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Hey everyone! I know it's been a while since I last posted, but here it is, part 5! This part isn't that awesome, but if you don't mind please have a read through and comment at the end!!!



It was around 9:00 that night when Lily was asleep in the guest bedroom in the Molloy house. Maria and Sam were talking about their jobs and other random things when there was a small knock at the door. Maria sighed as Sam got up to go answer it. He opened the door to find Colby standing there.

“Hi.” Colby said weakly. “Could I please talk to her?” He asked. Maria walked up next to Sam in the doorway. She nodded her head to Sam and he left the two alone as the walked outside and sat on the first step.

“What do you want Colby?” Maria asked him.

“I am going to tell you why.” He said with sad eyes. “But you will probable hate me more then ever.” Maria just nodded.

“Okay, so back home I had a girlfriend.” Colby began, but was cut off by Maria.

“Oh of course that’s great Smith.” She said, throwing her hands in the air. Colby rubbed his hand over his face as he continued with his story.

“So one of my officers found out about us and called her and told her about us. And after you were shot, she got a call in, and told me she was pregnant with my baby. She told me I would have to choose between you or my child Maria.” Colby explained, hoping that she would understand, from begin a mom now. Maria just nodded.

“So you left, and I got your letters, and I still have them. But I thought that I should not drag you along like that, and I knew if I told you why you would hate me. But when I got home, she told me there was no baby. That she lied so I would stay with her and not leave her for you. I lost it and I left her. But that same officer that told her about us had burned all of your contact information; I had no idea how to find you. Maria I am so sorry.” Colby finished reaching out and holding her hand. Tears were spilling out of Maria’s eyes as she looked up at him.

“Oh my god Colby. I thought you were dead! I wish you had of told me! Then I would never spent the past five years getting over the fact that you were dead! God Colby, you should have told me!” Maria began to cry and she rested her head in her hands not begin able to move.

“Maria you have no idea how sorry I am. I was such an idiot. Please forgive me.” Colby said, begging.

“Forgive you?” Maria asked. “I can’t do that now Colby, not yet anyways. I just can’t.” Maria said back. Colby just nodded and stood back up. He opened up the door for her and she walked back inside. Colby walked away even more sadder.

“What happened?” Sam asked as he saw her come into the house.

“He told me why.” She simply said, looking down at her feet.

“Do you want to tell me?” Sam asked her.

“His girlfriend told him she was pregnant and that he had to choose between me or his child. But when he got home there was no baby and some officer burned all of my contact information.” She said sobbing.

“Maria I am so sorry.” Sam said hugging her closely. Maria looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Sam brought his face closer to hers and kissed her lips softly. Maria broke the kiss.

“Sam, we can’t. Not again.” Sam nodded and broke away from her and walked out of the house to leave for his own apartment. Leaving her there alone.

A few moments later Alan came up from inside his den. “Maria, darling Lily is sound asleep, so you two can just stay her for tonight. Okay my dear?” Alan asked coming down the stairs.

“Yes Alan. Thank you” Maria replied hugging the old man as she walked up the stairs to the guest bedroom where her daughter slept soundly. The guest bedroom was once Sam’s bedroom and as Maria walked in memories from when they were teenagers flooded back to her. She remembered the day of Sam’s high school graduation. She was only a freshman at the time, Max’s age, but her and Sam were still very close. There were people flooding the house and she could tell Sam was getting annoyed. Before she said anything Sam took her hand and he brought her to that room. They kissed for what seemed like hours until Max knocked on the door saying their grandparents were there.

She smiled at the memory. Her and Sam were never “together”, but they always stole moments like that together. Maria went to sleep thinking about that memory.




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It was really good! I like how you put imagery emotion into it! It's got a very sweet storyline to it, dramatic but not too much. However I do think you could drag the last few paragraphs out just a little bit more, they just seemed to pass too quickly. Definatly worth reading though. Keep up all your good work sweety. Ttyl. x x x x
The only true failure, is when you give up. ♥




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Hello!!!!

Wow. This story is coming along nicely. There could be more detail, make it longer but it's still good.

Onto the Nitpicks!

It was around 9:00 that night when Lily was asleep in the guest bedroom in the Molloy house.

Comma after night.

“Hi.” Colby said weakly. “Could I please talk to her?” He asked.

"Hi," Colby said weakly, "Could I talk to her, please?"

She nodded her head to Sam and he left the two alone as the walked outside and sat on the first step.

They not the before the walked. The first step of what?

“What do you want Colby?” Maria asked him.

Comma after want.

“I am going to tell you why.” He said with sad eyes.

Comma after why. Uncapitalize the h in he.

“But you will probable hate me more then ever.”

Probably.

“Okay, so back home I had a girlfriend.” Colby began,

Comma not period.

“Oh of course that’s great Smith.” She said,

"Oh, of course, that's just great, Smith," she said,
Why does she all of a sudden call him Smith?

And after you were shot,

She was shot?!!?!?!?!?!

you or my child Maria.” Colby explained,

you or my child, Maria," Colby explained,

Maria I am so sorry.” Colby finished

Maria, I'm so sorry," Colby finished.

Sam brought his face closer to hers and kissed her lips softly.

Uhhhh... Sam and Maria?!?!

Her and Sam were never “together”

Never together? They kissed! So Maria isn't just a victim after all...

Okay that's all the nitpicks. I'll leave some for the others.
I think... To improve this you have to do more of that "Show not tell" thing.
You say and say and say but you need more of the telling part. Put more description, add imagery to the story.
It will make it a whole lot better.

Your characters... They seem a little flat. They are happy then sad, then whatever else. Put more about their personality and not just there moods and the victim and and Colby's mistake. Spice it up a bit! The description and imagery should help with this.

Sooo good job on this. Just flesh it out, correct all the mistakes and etc.
Oh! One last thing. Your dialogue punctuation. There is a post on that in the Knowledge Base. You may want to look for it. Oh! Sorry, another last thing. I'm sorry if any of the parts I was confused on was explained on previous chapters. I haven't read them in a while.

PM me if you have any questions about my review. :D
~Storm
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
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Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
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