God's Grace

This baby I bestow thee,
She will be your saving grace.
From all the deity she is yours,
Such a special gift is a rarity.

Her eyes will shine like blue fusion,
Flaring for archetypes of man-kind.
Her fingers are small, however,
They can reach your mind.

She will not know of these gifts,
She will not know her origin.
It is your job to guide her,
Bestow upon her your saving grace.

A Millenia from her death,
Might just be another.
But even with those years and time,
Could not possibly produce one as she.

I enjoyed this! I read it through about three times and it's a very smooth and easy read. The timing is good as is the rhythm. I

t is your job to guild her,

Do you mean guide? Also, the line that reads "A Milena from her death", I don't understand this because I don't understand the meaning of the word Milena? Is this another person?

Thankyou!


A milenia is one million years.

I was thinking of say, "Guide"

Guild means to cover with something. Either one would actually work fine.


Thanks for the comment!


---Jon---

wisemann210 wrote:This baby I bestow thee,
She will be your saving grace.
From all the deity she is yours,
Such a special gift is a rarity.

The flow is just floating along without any aesthetic or stylistic curve to it - like an essay, a lecture devoid of emotion. Is this what you want? If not, the lines that are the most egregiously lacking are the last two. Instead of flatly throwing the information in the mother's face, stretch it poetically, show it, whisper it.

Furthermore, something that is special is usually rare, so I do not know what you are trying to accomplish by that last line anyway.

Her eyes will shine like blue fusion,

A fusion is not an image by itself. Do you mean fused stars, fused unadulterated energy, fused blue-yin and white-yang? Describe it.

Flaring for archetypes of man-kind.

After giving the poem one read-through, I must come back and mention that this line does not work at all in conjunction with the other phrases you've used. This is too formal, too esoterically complex to fit with sentences like "She will be your saving grace", "Her fingers are small, however", and "It is your job to guide her". This sticks out awkwardly and makes references to some overarching theme not developed elsewhere. Keep your style at the same level throughout the poem, and that means scrapping this line and replacing it with anything more appropriate.

Her fingers are small, however,
They can reach your mind.

Did you just insult the mother by saying that she is small-minded? Whatever you meant, that's the way it came out, so change it or risk having the reader thoroughly confused by what you are trying to say.

She will not know of these gifts,
She will not know her origin.
It is your job to guide her,
Bestow upon her your saving grace.

Like the first stanza, this has no rhythm or flow to it. Don't repeat the "She will not know" in the first two lines, as it just trails off and thus the device seems plastic in comparison to the rest of the poem.

A Milena from her death,

Millenia. Usually I don't critique spelling but this begged for revision.

Might just be another.
But even those years and time,
Could not produce one as she.

Why? Your poem just ended with a smug phrase and smile without any explanation whatsoever. This emotionally cheats the reader, and so you need to inform the reader of why this girl is special. (Is it just because of the overdone theme of "All people are different!"? If so, then your entire premise is tired and therefore flawed.)

Hope that helped.

This baby I bestow upon thee,
She will be your saving grace.
From all the deity she is yours,
Such a special gift is a rarity.

• Okay. Good intro. It really began the poem well.
• I suggest the "upon" because adding that word, (That does fit) your stanza will fall into relative rhythm order.
• The last line seems quite randomly thrown in. To make it fit, you could; A) Make it rhyme with another previous line, or B) Change the iambic pentameter a little bit.

Example of Option B:
From all the deity she is yours,
A gift of special rarity

This would both even out the syllables somewhat, and it sounds better and less forced. I'm not saying you should use this example, just that you should attempt at something along these lines.

A Milena from her death,
Might just be another.
But even those years and time,
Could not produce one as she.

• Again, the last line is very forced. It's not this time, an overuse of syllables, but an underuse of them. It would be easy to stick a word in there in order to make the stanza fall into the set rhythm you have and you keep consistent throughout the poem.

Example:
But even with those years and time,
It's not enough to produce one as she

This way, it makes clearer sense, as well as fixes the rhythm issue.

---

I liked this poem. It was completely free for interpretation and overall flowed. I could only find the minor issues above to pick at.

This poem held a very deep and somewhat masked meaning. Very good.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Thank you, Galerius.


I can't believe I spelled "Millenia" wrong! Whoops.
(By the way, I know how to spell "Millenia" XD)


Thanks for the review, I think I'm going to add a new stanza to act as a catalyst for the rest of the poem. I meant it to be as if a God was actually talking to someone. so, it was meant to be straight forward.


Thanks again!
Edit: Thankyou, Threnody! I just saw the review after I posted this to thank Galerius. Thankyou!


---Jon---

I really like this!

The flow in it is very good. I like many parts of the poem but I would probably have to say that my favourite part is the end.

The rhythm is very good in this poem and it's a very easy poem to read.

I also loved the beginning and the first verse. When I read the first verse I wanted to read the rest of the poem!

I really liked this and I can't wait to read some more of of your work!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x