Sweet Tears, and Chaos. Part 2 of Chapter 1.

I wake up yawning after a very good night of sleep. I look out the large window of my bedroom to see what the weather is like. It's good. Hot. That gives me a good idea of what to wear. Dress or top and shorts? Like it matters. I decide to go with an electric blue medium length dress.

Journal Entry. Saturday 27th, May.
Dear diary,
I am in a crisis. I have to go to see "it" (Jack) tonight. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to stop myself from saying something rude or unpleasant. I am predicting it will go horribly. Whatever does happen, I will write about it as soon as I come home. Heading off to the library, bye.

I hate studying. Why is it so damn hard to concentrate? Must be the hot weather. I am just looking through Romeo and Juliet, not looking forward to later when I am going to have to say all this sappy trash to an enemy.
Romeo, oh Romeo! Where for art thou Romeo? Give me a break. This book is just absolute proof that love is just problems. How can love, something that seems so amazing, all end up with an ending as tragic as that? It's absurd.

Just when I thought that my frustration was at it's limit, Jack walks in. Just what I need. I want to pack up my things and leave, yet I cannot seem to bring myself to get up. He is alone.

"Hello." He greets me politely. "Studying I see? Me too, well I am just about to." Good, because he needs to.
"Uh hi, yeah I was just looking through the part of the lines we are running later." Too right I was. I will probably end up making a fool of myself if I don't.

"Cool. Me too. I apologize if I suck at this whole Romeo and Juliet thing by the way." He laughed.

"Yeah me too." I reply. Then we both just started into our studying. We were at it for an hour before he talked again. "Listen, I'm just heading away now. I'll see you at six OK?" Why is he being nice to me?
"Yeah that's fine." Then he left. Ten minutes later I left too.

"Hey Dad, I was just at the liberary." He was just finished eating his dinner. "Yes that's fine sweetheart." He says. "Oh Callie your dinner is just there."

"Thanks." I sat down at the table and ate my dinner, alone. I hate being alone. Sometimes I snap at my dad when he pries. But, sometimes I have to admit I'm wrong. It's not fair to shut him out all the time. I really do need him.

In one hour I have to go meet up with Jack at his house. Grr. Even though I hate the thought of going over there, I decide to present myself well. I went for a shower and I put my hair a little bit curly. I wore a white dress down to my knees. my knees. Even I had to admit, it looked good. I'm not a make - up person, but I decided to wear lipgloss. Time was up now. I had to leave.

I walk down the long path, surrounded by colorful plants and trees, to his house. It's a big house. I ring the doorbell. I have no idea why I am so nervous as he opens the door. "Hi." I say awkwardly.
"Hey! Wow, uh you look really nice." He says smiling at me. What kind of logic is that? I'm blushing so hard right now I could burn.

"Thanks, you too. We should, uh, get started now." Good. Keep it light. "Yeah." He says.

We walk down the hall to his living room. He asks "Do you want a drink or anything?" He must be kidding! I'm so nervous right now I could puke, but I won't. "No thank you." I reply. "I really hate Shakespeare. Actually you know what? I hate education. Everything to do with it." He says. Yeah. True words of a moron. "Don't you want to go to college?" I reply. When he speaks again his tone is more serious. "Maybe. I just don't see the point if I'm going to be living the way somebody else wants me to." What does he mean? "What do you mean?" I spoke my thoughts, my voice just a little too curious to sound polite. "Doesn't matter. Lets just get started." I do not understand that boy.

"OK then I'll start act two.[/i]O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven unto the white-upturned wondering eyes of mortals that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds And sails upon the bosom of the air.

There was intensity in his voice. My heart beat increased rapidly.

"O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? Same intensity.

"'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? It is not hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name." His turn.

"I take thee at thy word: call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
henceforth I never will be Romeo."

There was a silence. Neither of us spoke. I blushed at the awkwardness. Electricity flooded the room. I felt dizzy and hot.

I suddenly became aware of how close we were standing. He was just inches away from my face. I could feel heat. My heart beat was far above average. I decided it was time for me to leave.

"I should uh, go home." I laughed, he laughed. I walked home feeling a little weird.

Journal Entry. Saturday 27th, May.
Dear diary.
Today was really weird. When I was at his house I could swear I felt something for him. Must have been something I ate.

Hello, darling! Music here.

By the way, don't forget the 2:1 ratio! 2 reviews for every 1 piece you post!

Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

Dress, or top and shorts? Like it matters. I decide to go with an electric blue, medium [s]lenght[/s]length dress.

Dear diary[s].[/s], <---Comma. You've made this mistake before.
[i]Heading off to the [s]liberary[/s]library, bye.

I am just looking through Romeo and Juliet, not looking forward to later when I am going to have to say all this soppy trash to an enemy.
I don't really like this sentence. Something's off. And I think you meant sappy?

Romeo, oh Romeo! Where for [s]arth thow[/s] art thou Romeo?

Just when I thought that my frustration was at it[s]'[/s]s <--- It in possessive form needs no apostrophe, my darling! limit, Jack walks in.

"Hey, [s]d[/s]Dad, [b]<--- If you have no possessive pronoun or article in front of dad, it is to be capitalized. I was just at the [s]liberary[/s]library."

Yes, that's fine, sweetheart." He Tense change! Stick to present, my dear! said. "Oh, Callie, your dinner is just there."
You seem to be having trouble with those commas!

I wore a white dress down to my knees. [s]my knees.[/s] Even I had to admit, it looked good. I'm not a make - up person, but I decided to wear lipgloss.
[b]A white dress? That's a bit formal, don't you think? Make sure this is realistic, and no info dumps!

There was intensity in his voice. My heart beat increased rapidly.
Very good!

There was a silence. Neither of us spoke. I blushed at the awkwardness. Electricity flooded the room. <--- Good, good. We just stood there, staring at each other. <---Ruined the moment. Try something more mature, brief. Create tension with the style of your words.

New paragraph. I suddenly became [s]awear[/s]aware of how close we were standing. He was just inches away from my face. I could feel heat. My heart beat was far above average. We both just gave into whatever it was[s],[/s]; he leaned towards me and kissed me.

And another. I'm kissing Jack? What?[s]![/s] Does this mean I no longer hate him? Why am I enjoying this? Oh, I am so confused! I don't know what to think. I just gave into it. But what was "it"? I think I am beginning to realise I am developing feelings for him, [s]it[/s]which frightens me.

I should [s]H[/s]hate him.

I made out with [s]j[/s]Jack!<---This is repetitive. You just said it! We were saying Act Two of Romeo and Juliet, and then there was just some crazy electricity between us. I really thought I hated him. I don't know anymore, but I do know school will be interesting on [s]m[/s]Monday. Goodnight!

A little on your grammar:

Your main mistakes were either typos, with commas, or with maxi paragraphs.


Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought you did well for the most part, but you were thrown off by your tenses. You just couldn't stay on the present tense. I suggest you go ahead and switch everything to past tense before you write a lot. I think you'll have an easier time with it.


Imagery & Emotion: You put in some imagery and emotion this time! Yay! Just be careful to avoid info dumps, dear. Make sure you use the way she says words to show emotion, too. (If you know what I mean...)


Characters: Nothing about the development of a character was really in this one, darling. That disappointed me a bit. I think they kissed too early. Perhaps just build more tension in the paragraphs before it; that would help.
Anyway, I'd like to see a bit more from this Jack character. While it is only the first chapter, his character is a bit 2D for me. He seems to jump from being a jerk to being Mr. Nice & Charming guy way too quickly. I need to see subtle hints of his change before we make a big leap in the story!


Plot & Storyline: I thought, as I've mentioned, it was too quick a leap. Try and build up just a bit more tension. Perhaps they don't kiss on their first meeting, but there's a certain tension in the air.
The kiss just happened too early for me, although I'm wondering what's next...


Keep it up!

Love,
Music

Hi again I love the romantic moments between Jack and Callie- I think you described it brilliantly and it was great to show Callie's confusion in her thoughts to the reader too I noticed some spelling mistakes, I'd advise clicking on check spelling at the end of each post to make sure that what you have written is spelt correctly I think Music pointed a few out though and some grammar stuff, sorry if I repeat any of it as I only scanned through what she wrote- I think she did a good job in covering it all though!

I wake up yawning after a very good night of sleep. I look out the large window of my bedroom to see what the weather is like. It's good. Hot. That gives me a good idea of what to wear. Dress or top and shorts? Like it matters. I decide to go with an electric blue medium length dress.

As you might have been able to tell from my previous review, I don't generally like using words that I think are a bit vague and could be replaced with words that better describe the actions of the character Here 'good' is repeated a few times, I'd maybe replace one or two that better relate to what you are referring to- like the first one could be 'restful'. I think 'It's good. Hot.' could be joined with a dash and I'm not sure what you mean by 'Like it matters'- is it to do with her low self esteem? Or that no-one will see her anyway? I'd maybe elaborate a bit more.
I like the sound of her dress!

I am just looking through Romeo and Juliet, not looking forward to later when I am going to have to say all this soppy trash to an enemy.

I'd change one of the 'look' here so you are not repeating it, perhaps the first one could be something like 'flicking' or the second one you could change to 'I'm dreading having to say all this soppy trash to my enemy later' I'm not sure about say either, I think 'act' or 'read' would fit better.

This book is just absolute proof that love is just problems.

'that love is just problems' sounded a bit awkward to me, I think you could re write it a bit to something like 'that love is nothing but trouble' or 'that love is more trouble than it is worth' or something similar.

Just when I thought that my frustration was at it's limit,

Instead of 'was at' I think 'had reached' might sound better

"Uh hi, yeah I was just looking through the part of the lines we are running later."

I'd maybe leave out 'the part of' as I think it would run smoother without it and maybe change 'running' to 'rehearsing'.

Then we both just started into our studying.

I don't think you need 'into' here, but as she has already started her studying I'm not sure about using 'started' here either. Maybe 'got down to our studying' or 'concentrated on our studying' or something like that.

"Hey dad, I was just at the liberary." He was just finished eating his dinner. "Yes that's fine sweetheart." He said. "Oh Callie your dinner is just there."

Is ti supposed to be that he isn't listening to her so answers completely wrong? If so maybe you could comment on it as otherwise it sound kind of odd. You repeat 'just' a few times here too, I'd maybe change one or two, for instance the last one could be 'your dinner is right there'.

I sat down at the table and ate my dinner, alone. I hate being alone. Sometimes I snap at my dad when he pries. But, sometimes I have to admit I'm wrong.

I didn't understand this part that much as he wasn't just prying, he had kind of ignored her. I think you could relate it back to what has just happened, like saying that you wish he had sat with her. I'm not sure if saying your wrong is the right thing, maybe instead saying about sometimes she does need him or sometimes its helpful to have him around.

I went for a shower and I put my hair a little bit curly. I wore a white dress down to my knees. my knees. Even I had to admit, it looked good. I'm not a make - up person, but I decided to wear lipgloss. Time was up now. I had to leave.

You repeat 'my knees' here where you don't need to, I think instead of 'I went for a shower and put my hair a little bit curly' you could write it something like 'I took a shower and curled my hair' as it reads a bit easier, Instead of 'it looked good' I think it should be 'I looked good'.

I walk down the long path, surrounded by colorful plants and trees, to his house. It's a big house. I ring the doorbell. I have no idea why I am so nervous as he opens the door.

This all sounds a bit jerky, I think you could write it to flow a bit better, perhaps joining a couple of sentences. Here's an example- 'I walk down the long path, surrounded by colourful plants and trees, to his large- and slightly intimidating- house. I ring the doorbell, waiting nervously as he opens the door.' I added in a bit more description to the hours, I think you could ad even more as other than 'big' I have no idea what ti looks like. This might also give more of an insight into Jack's background

"OK then I'll start act two.[/i]O, speak again, bright angel!

I think there was a mistake here with the italics, but 'O, speak again, bright angel!' should be in italics too

I suddenly became awear of how close we were standing. He was just inches away from my face. I could feel heat. My heart beat was far above average. We both just gave into whatever it was, he leaned towards me and kissed me.

Instead of 'he was just inches away from my face' I think ti might be better to say 'is face was just inches away from mine' and when you say 'i could feel heat' I'd maybe add more to the sentence to run smoother something like 'i could feel the heat between us'. I think before you say they gave in to what was between them you could say something like 'And then' as before she was resisting it

When we came apart there was another silence. The heat between us was over welming.

You have already mentioned the heat so I'd maybe add in something like 'The heat was now overwhelming' to show that you are referring back to it and that it as increased

"I should uh, go home." I laughed, he laughed. I walked home dileriously happy. Why? I know I just kissed him, I know I felt something and he is sort of cute, well really cute actually. But I thought I hated him? I should Hate him. But I'm not so sure anymore.

I'd maybe change 'I laughed, he laughed' to something like 'I laughed and he laughed too.' just so it flows a bit easier, I think you could say something better than 'walked' to reflect her mood, maybe 'skipped' - although that may be a little over the top , or 'wandered' or 'floated' or something like that. I think the last sentence might sound better without the 'But' at the beginning.

I just had the most confusing day ever! Guess who I made out with? Jack! I made out with jack! We were saying Act Two of Romeo and Juliet, then there was just some crazy electricity between us. I really thought I hated him.

Instead of 'saying' I'd maybe say something like 'acting out'.

Overall: I like how the story is developing!

I do think the kiss was a little rushed, we still don't know much about Jack. I'd perhaps delay it for a little bit so that you could show more of Jack's personality- even if it was just some more speech between them where they talk more into how he mistreated her before and why he has changed so suddenly. I'm still not hat sure what he looks like and I think it would be good to have more of an image of him, perhaps you could drop details every now and then, like about her staring into his deep brown eyes or how her gaze kept getting drawn to his soft dark hair and wondering what ti would be like to run her fingers through it. I think you could more describe the surroundings as well as this could reveal more on his character

You switch from past to present tense a few times, I myself have trouble writing in present tense so I can understand that its difficult to phrase everything correctly, if you check back through your work though then I think you can probably spot where it happens and just change a few words around so it makes sense. I think you still kept the speech of both characters on the same line and that confused me again, I think you should separate it each time to make clear who is speaking. I also mentioned before that I think some words could be changed to better reflect her actions

I have just looked back and realised that you have edited! Sorry about taking so long to review, I ended up doing it in stages anyway, I hope some of my comments are still of help, lol, I did enjoy it!