Hallway

Hello again friends, I'm back. I wrote a short poem and I feel like sharing it. I posted it on my blog but I think I'll get more feedback over here. So please comment.

Hallway
Again I dream this dream,
One too familiar too.
This one is full of sadness-
A darkness tried and true.

I'm running through a hallway,
A quickness in my step.
Then I hear my heart beat,
My neck- wet with sweat.

Suddenly I hear him breathing,
Exhaling in my space.
And at the end he's there,
But I've never seen his face.

My neck- wet with sweat.

It would fit with the rhythm more, actually, to say "My neck is wet with sweat".

There is no definite ending to this. I wish it was more resolute.

It was nice reading it,
but something does lack in this poem but I don't know what it really is.

Keep writing.

wow this was great.
loved the mystery about it and you have really created a phantasmic atmosphere.
cool.

Hello!
I thought this was a good poem. The rythem was steady, and the ryming didn’t sound forced. The only part I didn’t like was:

My neck- wet with sweat

I think xanthan gum is right. It doesn’t sound right with that dash.

There might be a coma here:

One too familiar, too.

I would say that you should put a coma after Suddenly, but I think that would take away something it has.

Suddenly I hear him breathing,
Exhaling in my space.
And at the end he's there,
But I've never seen his face.

I love that last paragraph, it’s my favorite.

Overall, good job.
-Y