A Return to Peace

...

Wow, this is great! I don't really see any grammar mistakes, and you seem to have all the nitpicky stuff under control. The only thing that I can really point out is that some of your sentences are runs ons.

Other than that, I loved this piece! It had a great hook that sucked me in, and I loved your style! You had some vivid descriptions without getting too wordy. Overall, this is a great story, and I can't wait to see what happens next!

It's taking shape, but I do have some comments.

Firstly, as a reader, I found it difficult to believe the story in first person (the character talking about themselves) because the character is a newborn. Newborns don't remember details like this, even though you've written that at the end of this section. It is too young to understand and process emotions. Maybe try writing it in third person (a narrator) or from the perspective of someone like a nurse, doctor or the father character. Make the baby an object in this first part, with all the chaos happening around it. Disconnect it from it's parents, because it sounds like that's what you want to achieve anyway.

Also, try to put yourself in the hospital room and understand what actually happens when a baby is born. The moment the nurses suspect something is happening with the mother, they will either hold the baby back (not let the mother hold it) or they will take it away straight away. Their priority in that moment is the mother, and if she is dying, they won't let the baby stay there. Also, they would know something was wrong the moment the baby was born....it would be obvious.

But keep going - you have a talent you should look after!

Wow this was excellent and I hope to read more of your work. I was sucked in from the first word to the very last. AMAZING!

However there was one nitpcik I have:

The wind blew and shook the shutters outside the little room at the hospital, rain pounding against the glass, as if trying to break in.

That part you could probably reword to: rain pounded against the glass. It sounds better in past tense.

I didn't know there was a prologue! *smacks head*


Grammar:

When I was born, my mother died.
One of the things I commented on in your first memory was that I wondered how she died. Now I know. Haha.

The nurses ushered my father back in[s],[/s] to talk to the doctor about my birth certificate.

"And what'll you name her?[s]'[/s]" inquired the doctor.

"Narissa McKinley, look what you've done."
Aww.

I know all this, because I remember. I remember it as clearly as if it had just happened.
Question: How does she remember? Is she some supernatural baby? I've never heard of anyone remembering what they did when they were 6 or less months old, my darling! Perhaps there was a video of it. Perhaps someone in the room told her.

I was born in a rainless year, and in that year, strange and terrifying things happened.

Language Usage: Once again, wonderful! I really admire this department of your writing. You usually phrase your sentences just right!


Imagery and Emotion: There wasn't as much emotion featured in the prologue, but I liked it that way! Your imagery was pretty good. If you decide to keep it as her memory, I'd make everything a bit more vague; have her mostly remember the dialogue and what not. If you decide to go with watching a video (one of my suggestions), make it clear that she's watched the movie too many times to count. She knows what will happen, when it will happen; the exact seconds you hear a footstep or a beep of the monitor. I think that sounds cool(:


Plot: Well, now that I've read this one, your first chapter (well, memory) makes a lot more sense! Interesting name, by the way. Narissa. Haven't heard it before! I think that your prologue and first chapter fit together pretty well, just a little jolt-y. Perhaps add some of how her mother died in the first memory. It would make it continue a bit better.


Keep it up, darling! I'm enjoying it!

Love,
Music

Well, most people has already done the hard work, so I'm just going to say what I think!

It was a very good work, and it's really indept (I know, I can't spell=P)!


My favorite part was deffintly this part...

I was born in a rainless year, and in that year, strange and terrifying things happened. I can’t help feeling it was because of me. More than that, I took her away from them. My mother, I mean. I may not have done it intentionally, but I still did it. And for that I was punished.

I can really feel for the main charecter, and your writing is done really well.

Please PM me when more is up!!

-bunnie