A Challenge

Please forgive me, this is my first time actually writing something in a long time. I'm not capable of writing suspenseful and dramatic things, but this is my attempt at it.
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Within this porcelain cage I wait,
watching his every subtle move.
One little motion shall begin our fate,
we're ready to fight for what we need to prove.

He starts his slow and quiet dance,
his movement creating imperceptible ripples.
I hold my breath, waiting for my chance,
my intense need to attack him triples.

I start moving towards him,
his retreating pace matching mine.
My opponents chances of winning are slim,
but I too, am walking a very fine line.

His bright yellow armor shines brightly,
against these pale white walls.
My hand reaches forward slightly,
I watch as his confidence falls.

Suddenly a voice interrupts our intense battle,
the Queen has put us on pause.
I don't want to have meaningless prattle,
but the Queen wouldn't stop us without cause.

Don't worry, my fierce enemy,
the battle is not forever gone.
We will meet again, Rubber Ducky,
we shall have bath time again at dawn.

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My best work yet.


To help with some confusion, it's about a little boy having bath time and you know how when your young and you have these huge imaginations? The little boy is pretending the ducky is his enemy and the Queen is his mother.
Yeah, this was just for fun haha.
In the third paragraph on the last line, I'm almost positive that I did that line wrong.

Care Bear Assassin wrote:
Within this porcelain cage I wait,
watching his every subtle move.
One little motion shall begin our fate,
we're ready to fight for what we need to prove. Okay, this line is too long. Shorten it just a bit.

...

I start moving towards him,
his retreating pace matching mine.:D
My opponents chances of winning are slim,
but I too, am walking a very fine line.

His bright yellow armor shines brightly,
against these pale white walls.
My hand reaches forward slightly,
I watch as his confidence falls. Loved that.

Suddenly a voice interrupts our intense battle,
the Queen has put us on pause.
I don't want to have meaningless prattle,
but the Queen wouldn't stop us without cause.

Don't worry, my fierce enemy,
the battle is not forever gone.
We will meet again, Rubber Ducky,
we shall have bath time again at dawn.

First of all: I'm gonna kill you
I thought this was about a boy or something, then I saw it was just a duck, the rubber one!
This was..hmmmm... *laughs*..nice. I really was thinking about something else.

Narrative poem: YES, you managed this well. Bravo.

Rhyme: It was all good, but seemed a little forced. You see, when you rhyme something, it's not just duck-f**k cause ducks and f**king don't have anything in common. (I'm gonna be awarded for this..with some penalty probably, but at least I'll explain it to you.) Let's take your example: battle and prattle---that wasn't good, it seems forced. Battle or fighting with some talking don't have much in common, but this wasn't your worst example. See, there's pause-cause, him-slim, move-prove etc. Give-live is the example of proper(actually perfect, not proper) rhyme. I understand you think I'm crazy now, but if you practice enough, you'll manage this. Nothing to worry about, I didn't done that yet, but to tell you the truth I didn't even tried.

Don't write a poems about ducks again cause I'll be reviewing with yellow color so your eyes will hurt..or something.

darko.demark666 wrote:

Care Bear Assassin wrote:
Within this porcelain cage I wait,
watching his every subtle move.
One little motion shall begin our fate,
we're ready to fight for what we need to prove. Okay, this line is too long. Shorten it just a bit.

...

I start moving towards him,
his retreating pace matching mine.:D
My opponents chances of winning are slim,
but I too, am walking a very fine line.

His bright yellow armor shines brightly,
against these pale white walls.
My hand reaches forward slightly,
I watch as his confidence falls. Loved that.

Suddenly a voice interrupts our intense battle,
the Queen has put us on pause.
I don't want to have meaningless prattle,
but the Queen wouldn't stop us without cause.

Don't worry, my fierce enemy,
the battle is not forever gone.
We will meet again, Rubber Ducky,
we shall have bath time again at dawn.

First of all: I'm gonna kill you
I thought this was about a boy or something, then I saw it was just a duck, the rubber one!
This was..hmmmm... *laughs*..nice. I really was thinking about something else.

Narrative poem: YES, you managed this well. Bravo.

Rhyme: It was all good, but seemed a little forced. You see, when you rhyme something, it's not just duck-f**k cause ducks and f**king don't have anything in common. (I'm gonna be awarded for this..with some penalty probably, but at least I'll explain it to you.) Let's take your example: battle and prattle---that wasn't good, it seems forced. Battle or fighting with some talking don't have much in common, but this wasn't your worst example. See, there's pause-cause, him-slim, move-prove etc. Give-live is the example of proper(actually perfect, not proper) rhyme. I understand you think I'm crazy now, but if you practice enough, you'll manage this. Nothing to worry about, I didn't done that yet, but to tell you the truth I didn't even tried.

Don't write a poems about ducks again cause I'll be reviewing with yellow color so your eyes will hurt..or something.

Thank you very much! XD
Yeah, a lot of it was forced, but for some reason I really wanted a poem about a rubber ducky haha.