That Girl In The Mirror.

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wishiwerent
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
Fri Mar 27, 2009 6:03 am
wishiwerent says... · Fri Mar 27, 2009 6:03 am
A person changed.
The face is still the same
But that person isn't familiar.
The girl in the mirror looks out with so much hate.
I don't even know her.

A person changed.
Nothing is what it should be.
What happened to your hopes? To your dreams?
What happened that made you want to throw your life away?
And when did everything stop being okay?

A person changed.
I see the way you look at me.
I can see it in your eyes.
I'm not who you wanted me to be.
Just so damn unrecognisable.

That person changed.
That girl in the mirror
She can't tell me if she's happier.
She can't say if life is any easier.
But there's one thing she knows...
There's not a chance she's going back.
Not back to who she was.
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peanutgallery007
Gender Female
Points 5388
Reviews 196
Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:19 pm
peanutgallery007 says... · Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:19 pm
Cool! It is very nice to see your first work, so you can start grabbing reviews from some of our best critics here. (Not that I'm one of the best... not yet!) Anyway, lets analyze this piece of yours, shall we?

What happened to your hopes? To your dreams?


I would make this two lines if I were you.

What happened that made you want to throw your life away?


I would make this two lines also. Try dividing it either after 'happened' or after 'want to'.

That person changed.
That girl in the mirror
She can't tell me if she's happier.
She can't say if life is any easier.


I would put a comma after all of these.

All-in-all, a great poem! I loved it. I hope to review more works of yours! ;)

[spoiler]I give it a seven and a half out of ten :wink: [/spoiler]
Have a peanut =)

Try your hand at my poetry contest!

Proud LGBT supporter.
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marnie.grace
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:37 am
marnie.grace says... · Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:37 am
Agreeing with peanutgalley.This is amazing and you are one great writer. Looking forward to some of your other work.

I'm not going to repeat everything that has already been said but I am going to say this.

A person changed.
I see the way you look at me.
I can see it in your eyes.
I'm not who you wanted me to be.
Just so damn unrecognisable.


I LOVE THIS :D

Feels like it should be apart of a song.
Well done. Keep up the good work!
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playboy09
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 2
Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:11 pm
playboy09 says... · Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:11 pm
hiii, this is a very good piece of poetry. i can't wait to see some of your other work. i agree with marnie.grace and peanutgallery so i am not going to repeat.


That person changed.

That girl in the mirror

She can't tell me if she's happier.

She can't say if life is any easier.

But there's one thing she knows...

There's not a chance she's going back.

Not back to who she was.


i think this bit is the best it shows how the person has reformed themselfes i love this bit :D
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Layla
Gender Female
Points 4961
Reviews 45
Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:29 pm
Layla says... · Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:29 pm
That person changed.

That girl in the mirror

She can't tell me if she's happier.

She can't say if life is any easier.

But there's one thing she knows...

There's not a chance she's going back.

Not back to who she was





OOOKAY.WELL FIRST OF ALL HELLO.!! UUHHHM WELL. . . I LIKED THIS POEM BUT THE ENDING PARAGRAPH I FELL IN LOVE WITH. wAT WAS IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN THOUGH WAS IT LIKE AS IF THE GOOD PERSON SH USED TO BE WASNT COMING BACK OR WAS IT THE BAD PERSON SHE USED TO BE ISNT COMING BACK??
I hope someday that someone will walk into my life and help me realize why it never worked out with him or anyone else.
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puppykiss
Gender Female
Points 1590
Reviews 10
Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:42 pm
puppykiss says... · Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:42 pm
I don't know what to say. I loved it. In my perspective, you had no errors. Where did you learn such a way with words? I'm so not that good. Did you go to writing school? When I was younger, in elementary school, I was in the writing club. But anyhow, I really liked the poem. You have a way with words.
Just Breathe Deeply And You'll Be Fine.
-Audrey
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Laydra
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 7
Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:44 am
Laydra says... · Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:44 am
Hello dear,

I enjoyed this piece very much. I agree with what everyone else said. This was my favorite stanza:

A person changed.
I see the way you look at me.
I can see it in your eyes.
I'm not who you wanted me to be.
Just so damn unrecognisable.

so powerful to me.


I look forward to seeing more work from. Happy writing!

-laydra :D
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LoveIsLimitless
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 1
Thu Apr 02, 2009 12:45 pm
LoveIsLimitless says... · Thu Apr 02, 2009 12:45 pm
wishiwerent wrote:A person changed.
The face is still the same(this bothers me! poetry doesnt have to have proper language, and whenyou add to much of it,,, it makes it sound terrible. so mix it up a bit!)
But that person isn't familiar.(change familar to a different word please!!! it doesnt sound good there!)
The girl in the mirror looks out with so much hate.
I don't even know her.

A person changed.
Nothing is what it should be.(try :"nothing how it should be" it works more)
What happened to your hopes? To your dreams?(i like this line)
What happened that made you want to throw your life away?
And when did everything stop being okay?(try : and when did things go bad." youre being to wordy.)

A person changed.
I see the way you look at me.
I can see it in your eyes.
I'm not who you wanted me to be.
Just so damn unrecognisable.(this is ok but that last word threw off your rythem.)

That person changed.
That girl in the mirror(try the instead of that)
she cant tell me if shes happier.
She can't say if life is any easier.
But there's one thing she knows...
There's not a chance she's going back.
Not back to who she was.
Yes im Bi,,, and ur stupid. now that weve got that out of the way,,, hi, im lilly! nice to meet you!
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nate.b
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 14
Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:02 pm
nate.b says... · Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:02 pm
A good poem, but there are small mistakes.

The face is still the same

But that person isn't familiar.


There should be a comma after 'same' and always before any other 'but'.

Familiar? To whom? Me? You? Him/her? You have to watch out for things like that. You can't leave a statement like this incomplete, because that makes the statement weaker. Give it a personality.

The second stanza is good, but the questions are a bit cliché and feel much generalised. Like I said before, give the girl a personality. Even though you 'don't know' the person that is in the mirror, you have to somehow connect to the person that is looking into it. After all, it is a reflection. The best way to do that is to come up with a story. Something in the background. Why did she change? Give it clues; otherwise the poem could be about anything.

The third stanza is actually pretty good. There is definitely more character in it. Try developing that.

That girl in the mirror

She can't tell me if she's happier.


This is grammatically incorrect. I would change it to

'The girl in the mirror
won't tell me if she's happy.'

This sounds very personal and direct.

The rest is good.

I hope my comment will help. Overall, this is an interesting poem.

Nathan.
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