On Broken Wings

Hi, everyone!

This is the first time I've ever posted in this forum. I'll be honest with you - I'm having a panic attack about whether to post. I'm so intimidated because all the work on here seems mind-blowing. But I'll have a go. *ties self to laptop to prevent any running-away that may occur*

Anyway, the attatchment says Part 1 but it's really the whole thing. I've posted this on the forums before but now it's edited, and has a new title.

I'm looking for details on:

Character Developement - this is usually my strong point but since this is based on my real life, I've had trouble interjecting feeling, since it's such a sensitive subject. Help needed.

Description - For me, description is one of the most important aspects of a story. I need details on what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what sounds pretentious, what sounds original.

Storyline - Too cliched? Too predictable? Just give me the word and I'll rethink it!

Thankyou so much!

Sarah
xxx

Righto on it! But i won't be here for a week so i have a whole week to dig my teeth into this.

I have read 4 pages and it is promising so far

Thankyou very much, niccy. Take your time, by all means. I don't want to rush you.
I'm not bumping the thread *promise* but I must stress that reviews are uber welcome. ^_^
xxx

Hey Sarah. I love broken. So I've decided to edit the entire thing it might take me ages but it's well worth it x

Castles, you certainty have a way with words I loved every minute of this, from beginning to end. You have a gift, that much is certain. Everything you depicted was lifelike and you made the reader feel for you character, something many writers struggle with protraying. But you did it beautifully. And for that, I click the gold star

*hits button with a wink*

The only thing I found confusing was when Cora went with the gypsy lady. Why would she do that? I would try to go more into Cora’s thoughts at that moment. That way, the reader can understand.

Also, whenever you start a new chapter/part, have it begin at a new page. Sometimes, you had new chapters in the middle of a page. It just looks nicer that way

Otherwise, beautiful work, Castles! Loved it!

Thankyou so much, Ashley!
Your review was amazing, it helped so much.
Methinks you deserve some cookies.
Anyway, thanks again.
xx

I have done it XD
I promised and I did it
xxx

Thankyou so, so much Kirsten.
Any critiques I get on this are very much appreciated.
Thankyou all.

-Sarah

I'll be on this as soon as possible, so thanks for being patient =]

HERE WE GO! Took me over a month, but here. we. are.

Sentences really bugged me. Like, seriously, I wanted to just scream at those full stops and rip them out and throw them into a bottomless pit. As for the writing, now the sentences began and stopped, most without commas, and it had an awkward flow. Stop start stop start, no flowing into one another, it made for a little harder reading. It was all valuable wording, just not structured very... reader-friendly.

Wording was beyond fantastical. It is just bogged down with all those stop start full stops!

*sigh* this was amazing, really. Sorry if my edit makes it look like it is less than what it is, but your sentence structure makes it extremely difficult to understand and stay with. This could be your writing style? Personally I prefer sentences that flow nicely and completely, not stop start stop start. Your piece regardless and stay with what you know you like.

I'm not a big fan of rewriting heaps and heaps of sentences, so I highlighted the ones I found needing a fix and let you decide on it. Leave it, change it, fiddle, up to you.

But you have mastered the art of readers wanting more. At the end of every chapter I wanted more, needed to keep reading. This Cora child is enticingly strange, so different, and really really really interesting. She confuses me and so I just have to keep reading because I need to know her. well done! And you end each chapter so perfectly.

One thing I also noticed was your semi colans. Most were not needed, if any. They were easily enough replaced with commas to make the sentences look complete.

Hi,
I just finished reading your story, well actually I started today too. You have talent. I really enjoyed this as it was intriguing and easy to relate to. One thing I did notice is that you continued to say crimson when she was crying, unless she wasn't actually just crying. This part did confuse me a bit so you might want to take a look at it again.
This was a very different approach you took and I think that is part of the reason why I found it so hard to tear my eyes away from. I don't know if this is the end, but I'm assuming it is. However, if you do post more, please PM me!

If you need anything PM me too!

Love,
N