A Fickle Afternoon

On a Fickle-Fickle afternoon
I reached up and pulled down a sickle blade moon
I used it to harvest carbuncle blooms

I had to put back the moon
for it would be night time soon
and after doing so, homebound I zoom.

on returning,I lay upon the lap of my blind sister the carbuncle blooms.
she smiles and sings a song for me as she weaves miracles on her golden loom

I return to my room
and read a love poem Titled: "The marriage of gloom and doom"

and soon

even under the laughter of my mother gettting drunk on ambrosia booze
I manage to fall back and snooze

I then float to the heaven and hell in between
the land of dreams
which is bursting at the seems
with scenes
of heroes and light beams
mansions, golden streets and diamond streams
innocents being saved and fallen angels redeemed

and then BOOM

I am awakened by burning cuts and wounds
That I have inflicted upon myself while harvesting carbuncle blooms
with the sickle blade moon

I soon wrap the wounds
with bandages from my blind sisters loom

I look at the time, and it's a new day and already it's Fickle-Fickle Afternoon.

Er...I liked the concept within itself (as in the story being told).

I am just curious as to why you believed formatting and schemes were unnecessary? Punctuation and other grammar YES'...why are they not relevant? I think simple revision should be done on this piece by adding in commas, periods, capitals, etc. because it gives the story much more hold. Right now it is just confusing and more of a blurred tale.

Don't worry about conventions. I don't think they're neccesary in this particular peice of poetry. Perfect punctuation pleases people, but imperfect intuitiveness is interesting. I insist, inspecting poetry to death deadens dreamers.

Overall it was a good poem! You did a great job rhyming throughout the piece. I have no idea how you did it ( rhyming words seem to avoid me) . At times your rhyming did seem a little forced though, but it was consistant.

Good work!
~Poem

Hey, Peanut here! Lets take a look at this, shall we:?:

I had to put back the moon

for it would be night time soon

and after doing so, home bound I zoom.

There is something not quite right about this stanza, the last line to be particular. It starts with an 'and'! I always tell everyone who does that, not to start a line with 'and' or 'but'. To me, it doesn't look grammatically correct. I have learned that it is correct when dealing with a poem, but I still think no one should do it. I would try making it more like this;

I had to put back the moon
fir it would be nighttime soon;
after doing so,
home bound I zoom.

I would try something like that.

on returning,I lay upon the lap of my blind sister the carbuncle blooms.
she smiles and sings a song for me as she weaves miracles on her golden loom

Try it more like this;

"Upon returning,
I lay on the lap of my blind sister the carbuncle blooms.
She smiles and sings a song for me as she weaves miracles
on her golden loom."

Nothing really different, just the line breakup is changed. These are only suggestions.

I return to my room
and read a love poem Titled: "The marriage of gloom and doom"

Again, you start a line with 'and'. Also, again, I would change the line breakup to something like this;

"I return to my room
to read a poem called;
The Marriage of Gloom and Doom"

Nothing extremely huge.

I then float to the heaven and hell in between
the land of dreams
which is bursting at the seems
with scenes
of heroes and light beams
mansions, golden streets and diamond streams
innocents being saved and fallen angels redeemed

Ah, since I am not good at commenting beside the poems, I will, yet again, an option you should change it to. This time, though, I will show some side notes.

I float then to the heaven and hell between, (move the 'then' from after 'I' to after 'float')
the land of dreams,
which teems, (if you don't want to change it to 'teems' then fix 'seems' to 'seams'.)
with scenes; (put the semicolon there because, if you do, then the 'of' is not needed on the next line)
(try separating these into two different stanzas)
heroes and light beams,
mansions,
golden streets,
and diamond streams, (I would break up those lines)
innocent people (add people) being saved
and fallen angels
redeemed. (Break up those lines, too)


That is a lot of changes. You do not have to, again, they are only suggestions.

I am awakened by burning cuts and wounds
That I have inflicted upon myself while harvesting carbuncle blooms
with the sickle blade moon

I soon wrap the wounds
with bandages from my blind sisters loom

I look at the time, and it's a new day and already it's Fickle-Fickle Afternoon.

Great ending! I have nothing to suggest

Great job on this poem. The ending made me laugh. If it wasn't supposed to be funny, sorry, but it made me laugh anyway. I liked it very much, and I hope you do more poetry. Originality is key, and this is definitely original!

[spoiler]7/10... good job! [/spoiler]

I love this poem; I love the whimsicle manner and the story it tells, though it seems slightly erratic.
and as for punctuation: all or none. You have a commas out of nowhere and periods that go where they please. I'm all for writing without puncutation, if you think it fits the piece and your rythm and story can stand without it, but grammar is not something you can apply to only certain parts of your story. For this poem, i would say add it. Something tells me you want to already, so just take everyone else's advice on where your commas and quotes and periods should go. I has nothing to do with convention, grammar can actually help make your piece more fluent.

Hi,
I have never actually reviewed a narrative poem, so this will be my first. I believe that poetry is free expression, so nothing you have written I think you should change. I did pick up on one or two things though. So just take a look...

All my edits, comments and suggestions will be in bold:

On a Fickle-Fickle afternoon - Love this line!
I reached up and pulled down a sickle blade moon
I used it to harvest carbuncle blooms

I had to put back the moon
for it would be night time soon
and after doing so, homebound I zoom. Right here you changed your tenses from past to present. You have to keep the same tense, so maybe change it to something like: homebound is where I happened to zoom. Or you could just easily change it all to present, since that is what the bottom part of the poem is like.
on returning,I lay upon the lap of my blind sister the carbuncle blooms.
she smiles and sings a song for me as she weaves miracles on her golden loom

I return to my room
and read a love poem Titled: "The marriage of gloom and doom"

and soon

even under the laughter of my mother gettting drunk on ambrosia booze
I manage to fall back and snooze

I then float to the heaven and hell in between
the land of dreams
which is bursting at the seams
with scenes
of heroes and light beams
mansions, golden streets and diamond streams
innocents being saved and fallen angels redeemed

and then BOOM

I am awakened by burning cuts and wounds
That I have inflicted upon myself while harvesting carbuncle blooms
with the sickle blade moon

I soon wrap the wounds
with bandages from my blind sisters loom

I look at the time, and it's a new day and already it's Fickle-Fickle Afternoon.

This poem was very interesting and well written. I especially liked how you ended the poem like the way you started it. I hope I wasn't too harsh and that what I said actually made some sense.

If you need anything PM me!

Love,
N

mystymizer wrote:Er...I liked the concept within itself (as in the story being told).

I am just curious as to why you believed formatting and schemes were unnecessary? Punctuation and other grammar YES'...why are they not relevant? I think simple revision should be done on this piece by adding in commas, periods, capitals, etc. because it gives the story much more hold. Right now it is just confusing and more of a blurred tale.

all of my writings have a secret story to them... a second message to be told.

I leave such constrictions as punctuation so that the reader will be able to realize them.

I've ceased this practice because the only ones who ever find the hidden stories are very few and far between.

I wish young people were more insightful then they'd realize what I am trying to teach them.

I don't write to waste peoples time, I write to teach them. It's not my fault that people won't learn.