Black Hearts, Blue Bloods

Black Hearts, Blue Bloods
Chapter 1:
Now
Tears fall, like rain, from my eyes. They are all standing around me once more. But he is not among them. Where is he? Why isn’t he here to greet me? These questions run through my mind as I stare at them. Jake meets my gaze, his eyes painful. It is in this moment that I know where Clayton is. He has left our small town in Hawaii. He is not here because he cannot be here. Maybe he believed that I would never come back. But I have and he is not here.
The tears begin to fall faster now. I want him so badly that I am shaking with the desire. But no matter how much I desire him, he will not be here. I stare at my friends, each of us wrapped in our own memories. I am remembering his face, his scent, and the way his voice chased away my fears. I am afraid now and his voice is not here to chase away the fear. Suddenly, Jake pulls me into his arms. I lean my head against his chest, trying not to cry harder, but I’m failing. I’m suddenly sobbing so hard that it is hard to breathe. But Jake doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he’s holding me tighter than he’s ever held me.
I cling to my twin, closing my eyes against the tears that I know are coming still. Around us, our friends stare in shocked silence at us. It is a bittersweet reunion. I am getting back the brother I thought I had lost, but I am losing the love I lived for. I never thought of the possibility that Clayton would have left me. But he has, and maybe we were never meant to be. But I cannot believe that. I cannot believe the impossible. For this is the impossible, we were always meant to be. I love him with the same passion that he once loved me with. But maybe he does not love me anymore. Maybe, he has found a new love. But I cannot believe this either.
“Clayton left two weeks after you did. He couldn’t handle it here without you. He went to live with his Aunt Janey in Honolulu. I’m sorry Jess.” My twin speaks with pain in his voice.
“He didn’t think I would come back.” It wasn’t a question.
“No.”
I was speechless.
“You could write him a letter. He wrote you one. He gave it to me before he left.”
“Do you have it with you.”
“Right here.”
He handed me an envelope that I opened excitedly.
Dear Jessica,
Hey, I’m just writing to tell you that I won’t be in Ocean City anymore after this letter. I’m leaving because you left, and I can’t stay here without you. You were the only reason I stayed here for so long. And with what my dad does to me, I’m afraid even to go home. Therefore, I’m leaving. If ever you decide to come back, {I’ll be with my Aunt Janey in Honolulu. You know my cell phone number and mom has promised to keep it working until I turn twenty-one. If you ever come back call me, or write to me at Aunt Janey’s house. She’ll give me the letter even if I don’t live with her anymore.
I love you so much, and I’m sorry I have to leave. I just can’t take what he does to me. The things he does to me only you know about and I hope no one ever finds out. I trust you with my life and I always will. Well baby girl, I got to go. Bye.
Love Always,
Clayton.
I dropped the letter as a familiar voice called my name. It couldn’t be. I turned around and when I saw who it was I gasped and fainted. Images of that night went through my mind as I lay there. Vaguely, I could hear my friends shouting with joy above me, and a familiar hand grasp mine. But I couldn’t bring myself to wake up just yet. I couldn’t face him yet.

This was really great. I think you should carry on with this story, you've got me hooked already .
Well done.
Not much of a review I know and I am sorry but I really can't review people's work.

Hi! I'm pretty sure I have read the prologue to this with you under a slightly different name, I like how you have continued! This is a good piece

They are all standing around me once more. But he is not among them.

I'd maybe change the full stop between these two sentences with a dash to join them a bit more

Where is he? Why isn’t he here to greet me? These questions run through my mind as I stare at them. Jake meets my gaze, his eyes painful.

I'd possibly add a third question or change 'these questions' to 'the two questions', I think it would sound better either of these ways as 'these questions run through my mind' made me think of more than two, at least three.
I'm not sure about Jake's eyes being painful, maybe pained?

He is not here because he cannot be here. Maybe he believed that I would never come back. But I have and he is not here.

I'd join the last two sentences with either a comma or a dash and I'm not sure about the ending to the last sentence, I'm not sure if the repetition works that well. I'd maybe change it to something like 'But I have and he's gone.' or something similar.

I stare at my friends, each of us wrapped in our own memories. I am remembering his face, his scent, and the way his voice chased away my fears.

I think this might sound better if you referred to her friends as 'them' then referred back to herself thinking instead of just including it all in 'us'. Before you were talking very much in the sense of her separate to them and by grouping all the people together it makes her seem less alone which is the sort of impression I thought you wanted to give. You could easily do this by replacing us with them and then adding something like 'too' after 'I am'

I’m suddenly sobbing so hard that it is hard to breathe.

I'd change one of the 'hard' here so you are not repeating it- maybe the second one could be 'difficult' or something similar.

My twin speaks with pain in his voice.

You've already described his eyes with pain so I'd maybe change the description here to something different- perhaps you could describe the sound of his voice instead to show that he is upset, for instance huskily or his voice breaking or hushed.

“Do you have it with you.”

As this is a question I'd change the full stop at the end to a question mark.

He handed me an envelope that I opened excitedly.

I know she'd be keen to read the letter from him but I still wouldn't think she would be excited after how upset she has just been. Maybe just describing the quickness of her movements would work well here instead.

Hey, I’m just writing to tell you that I won’t be in Ocean City anymore after this letter.

I'd leave out 'Hey' here at the beginning as it makes it all seem more relaxed whereas its quite an emotional letter.

{I’ll be with my Aunt Janey in Honolulu.

I think { was added by mistake

You know my cell phone number and mom has promised to keep it working until I turn twenty-one.

I'm not sure what you mean here, if he has his cellphone why would his mom be keeping it working? And what do you mean by keeping it working? Keeping its battery charged?

just can’t take what he does to me. The things he does to me only you know about and I hope no one ever finds out.

So you are not repeating 'he does to me', I'd change the beginning of the second sentence to something like 'Those things only you know about' as it is already clear that you are referring to what his dad does to him.

But I couldn’t bring myself to wake up just yet. I couldn’t face him yet.

I'd leave out one of the 'yet' here so you are not repeating it.

Overall: Nicely done, I enjoyed this part- although there are so many unanswered questions so now I am even more curious!

I think you need to add description to the twin more, for the rest of the friends gathered round its not really needed but as the twin is playing a part in this chapter comforting the main character, I'd add something on him. You could mention it in passing but I think it would really help, I'd also add a lot more expressions and actions to him and her when they are talking to one another. You could describe how he speaks to her tentatively, looks at her with concern or a number of things and also describe the depressed state she is in in its affect to her appearance (staring off into the distance, body rigid, that sort of thing). When she opens the letter, I think you could add more description to it- the writing, the paper, all these things she would be focusing on due to how desperate she would be for information I would think.

I noticed you used 'But' a lot to begin sentences, which I think you did before as well. I really would advise getting rid of some of them as they are not needed and just get a bit too repetitive. I'd join a few of the sentences too as although short sentences are effective, too much of them lose the effect without variation.

The ending to me was too quick. I think you need to bulk it out quite a bit- the fainting just rushes by. You could talk on her becoming dizzy and blackness surrounding her, how it feels when she crashes to the ground, how she feels and what thoughts are running through her head. I think it would be a lot better with more included on it as it sounds just too abrupt to me as it is at the moment.

Overall though I love how you have left it! Its a good cliffhanger and I think you are doing well in keeping the suspense and mystery surrounding Clayton and what happened between them Hope I've helped, all my comments are just suggestions- I look forward to reading more!

thank both of you for reviewing. I think I might re-write this story from front to back because i realize some of my mistakes and I have some new ideas for the Prologue and 1st chapter. Plus, I want to change the name of the story. So, I'll take your critiques into mind as I re-write the story. Thanks again for reading!
shadow Princess