Monday [iii]

x

Hey =]

Thanks for the PM!

Nit-piks first;

It's better to try valiantly and fail than to rest between mediocrity and average-ness.” - I don't know if it would read better with a comma after 'fail'

They filled out sections of her tight, worn lavender hoodie - I think you need a comma after 'worn'

, my eyes grow cold before I could even help it. - I think this sentence would sound better without 'even'

Cal's expression went from overjoyed to deeply hurt in the space of a split second. - Maybe show how he was upset. Did he frown, look away from her?

I didn't even look at him. I didn't even turn around as I heard his car speed away and around the corner. - You say, 'I didn't' quite a lot within a few sentences. Maybe re-phrase this part. 'I didn't even look at him, nor did I turn around as I heard his car speed away.' Also, if she heard it, how would she know that he went around the corner?

my blood was boiling with fury that had built up the - 'the fury'

Overall;

As you can see by my comments above, I couldn't find very many mistakes at all

I really enjoyed reading this part and I like how you added in a bit more of your MC's family background. It helps to make Gwen seem more realistic.

Can you PM me when you post the next part please?

xDudettex

Havanaaaaaaaaa! <3

So, I'm pretty sure I read this over Facebook, but I saw it on the home page and couldn't resist.

Sure, it was a bit of extra money,

but the black heads that ruled her large nose I think blackheads is one word?

but I also had the feeling I never wanted to have to look at her again. Lovely.

My pencil scratched against the answer sheet for the full time allotted for every section

I'd be home before I even remembered it was winter, but his car was still nowhere to be seen as I huddled up on an outside bench.

A few typos, darling.

That's about it. I love your writing, I love the plot, and you should send me the next parts as soon they're done (I think I have the one after this, but that's it). The only thing I would mention is that it is a lot of telling, and not showing - eg the part where she thinks about her father - but I think it works and I think it's necessary. Just, in future, watch out for that a bit.

(And, for giving us the background info, you do mix it with the present story wonderfully.)

Je l'ai adore! Je t'adore! Nous avons besoin parler ce soir!

Hannah, darling! Sorry it took me so long! My internet is back and fully recovered.


Grammar:

My pencil scratched against the answer sheet for the full time [s]alloted[/s]allotted for every section – I was the last one to leave the testing room. It was already getting into the afternoon.

As soon as the word “Dean” passed his lips, I felt myself harden, my eyes grow cold before I could even help it. Thank you! This is what I was looking for last chapter. Brilliant.

“Alan, Frank and I have been seeing each other for three months,” (I slept soundly in another room with my three-month-old self) I don't like how you worded this. “and I am in love with him.”

Language Usage: This one was really well-written! I could feel the air of the institution of your SAT. I felt cold and bitter when Gwen did with Cal. I was jealous for her. You used your words very well to describe your book! It's turned into more of a "show", as we've discussed some more. Make sure this is where you want to go with it, my darling!


Plot/Continuity: Very well done. I'm glad we got to see more of this kind of an awkward love triangle forming. You fit a bit of her history in, which was nicely done. Make sure you work to keep the plot on track and you'll do great!


Imagery & Emotion: Hannah, I congratulate you! There were brilliant moments of description in here! The description of pencils, the cold, the emotions. Wonderful.


Tips & Suggestions: Nothing comes to mind at the moment... Well, I'll kind of base mine off of Dudette's: Make sure you make Gwen seem realistic. Ingeniously intertwining bits of her past with the story helps. Perhaps you could go over the first time she and Cal met, or something like that?


Keep up the good work!

Love,
Music