Kalyug

Hello Spike! I am here, as requested, and ready to review!

You have quite an interesting piece here with your chosen setting. The imagery is nicely done, but I believe there could be more if you went a bit more in-depth with the emotion. Try adding more description the poem and make it rich with detail. You want the reader's full, undivided attention the whole time and you want it to be captivating. Don't be afraid to really go for it, because in the end it will make this piece all the more thrilling.

Nit-Picks:

In a corner I quivered,

I was aghast.

With fear I shivered,

I thought I wouldn't last.

My eyes were closed tight,

I was filled with fright.

Just then tearing the night,

Came a beam of light.

The rhythm you had going through-out your poem has been really messed up right here. "I was filled with fright." is probably the line that needs changing the most. Your second couplet here needs definite changing, because it sounds weak. You may be able to change that, though, if you make the stanza before it stronger.

Overview:

This poem has a lot of potential to be something magnificent, but you need to be willing to go the extra mile for it. It seems that the thrill that had captured my attention in the beginning of the poem diminished as I read on, so try and work on your last three stanzas. Your last few lines are very important in any piece of work.

Don't get me wrong, though. I thought the true contents of this poem were excellent and you have the right back-bone and structure that will help it become something even better when it's edited. I'll be looking forward to seeing this poem after you have fixed it up a bit and have enlivened it.

I can't say I get the title. When I clicked on this I was thinking it was going to be something...well, I'm not really sure whast I was expecting but it wasn't this

Children sleep hungry,

Tired and naked.

The devil rules the world,

So evil and so wicked.



Our brave heroes now,

Commit murders.

Seeing their wickedness,

My heart shudders.



The gods we preached,

ran away into hiding.

In their homes,

The devil is residing.

This was the part I had the most trouble with. I don't feel anything for this poem. It's just a random collection of:

good thing
reversal of good thing

Fill in the form as you will.


There imagery here wasn't unique, though you had an interesting idea. We know the devil is "wicked" and "evil". What something new can you bring?

Hey. Here's your review.

spike71294 wrote:Kalyug

The skies darken,
As the sun dies.
Up in the heavens,
The angels cry.

The earth burns,
In the flames of hell.
This day would come,
Who could tell? (this line is too short and it really destroys the atmosphere of darkness this poem is giving.)

Love is scarce,
Evil is plenty.
Demons are more,
And people are scanty. (This line, again, doesn't fit. The three lines above are really great because they speak very generally of what the world is coming to. Love lessens whilst evil rises but then people are scanty? Perhaps change this line?)

Children sleep hungry,
Tired and naked.
The devil rules the world,
So evil and so wicked.

Our brave heroes now,
Commit murders.
Seeing their wickedness,
My heart shudders. (Lovely.)

The gods we preached,
ran away into hiding.
In their homes,
The devil is residing.

Screams of horror fill the sky,
As our dear loved ones die.
In my eyes death stares,
It haunts me like a nightmare.

In a corner i quivered,
I was aghast.
With fear i shivered,
I thought I wouldnt last.

My eyes were closed tight,
I was filled with fright.
Just then tearing the night,
Came a beam of light.

The reign of terror ended,
At last the nightmare was over.
But I was the last one left,
The only survivor.

Hmm... I'm not quite sure what you mean by this poem. At first I thought you were presenting a cynical view of the world, now though, I think this is more like a narrative of an epic story of armageddon or something. Anyway, this is really good.

Rhythm has to be fixed. If you read it aloud you might notice that it sounds rather choppy in some parts.

Punctuation has to be fixed as well.

Overall though, great job.

Hey Spike ^^ Shina here I'll be your reviewer for today.

I fixed some things in the actualy poem, but I would like to point out that the 3rd stanza sounds like a forced rhyme, plus plenty and scanty do not really rhyme. That breaks the flow and I think you should change the wording. I like the part where it says "love is scarce, evil is plenty" but you should just change the next few lines to match it.

Okay, for the overall I idea, I like it. It's a bit gloomy and depressing, but it has a good idea. The beginning I like, but after stanza 3 everything goes downhill. The flow, the rhyme, and everything. You have a good idea, you just need to adjust the wording you used. Keep it up I want to read more.

spike71294 wrote:Kalyug

The skies darken,<---remove comma
As the sun dies(;)
Up in the heavens,
The angels cry. <---- I think you should change this to "sound the angels' cries." so it can match the rhyme scheme.

The earth burns, <----no comma
In the flames of hell.
This day would come, <--- Change this to "Would this day come,"
Who could tell?

Love is scarce,
Evil is plenty.
Demons are more,
And people are scanty.

Children sleep hungry,
Tired and naked.
The devil rules the world,
So evil and so wicked.

Our brave heroes now,
Commit murders.
Seeing their wickedness,
My heart shudders.

The gods we preached,
ran away into hiding.
In their homes,
The devil is residing.

Screams of horror fill the sky,
As our dear loved ones die.
In my eyes death stares,
It haunts me like a nightmare.

In a corner i quivered,
I was aghast.
With fear i shivered,
I thought I wouldnt last.

My eyes were closed tight,
I was filled with fright.
Just then tearing the night,
Came a beam of light.

The reign of terror ended,
At last the nightmare was over.
But I was the last one left,
The only survivor.