Does the city sleep?

I used this poem as extra credit for my Language Arts class...enjoy!
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Does the city sleep?

Daylight brings noise and crowd
Busy streets loaded with sound
Flashing lights, and shops galore
Who could ask for anything more

When night falls, and midnight rises
What is left but more surprises
Lights shine through the darkened veil
Warning people of endless sales

When everything is said and done
Out comes again, a wakening sun
So it's proved, that on the city streets
Nothing ever truly sleeps

Love it! But you already knew that....

jules4848 wrote:I used this poem as extra credit for my Language Arts class...enjoy!
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Does the city sleep?

Daylight brings noise and crowd,
Busy streets loaded with sound. There's no rhyme here.
Flashing lights, and shops galore Why would you put a comma before "and"!?
Who could ask for anything more?

When night falls[s],[/s] and midnight rises,
What is left but more surprises?
Lights shine through the darkened veil
Warning people of endless sales

When everything is said and done,
Out comes again, a wakening sun. There's no rhythm here. Replace the comma with something because it brakes your verse, makes a pause and then the verse sounds terrible.
So it's proved, that on the city streets
Nothing ever truly sleeps

Your punctuation is terrible... Rhythm also. Rhyme is messed up in many places so...I didn't like this.

I feel compelled to write a review after what the previous person said ^^

I actually quite like the rhyming of this poem, even if it is a little bit juttery here and there, it makes you think about the words more! I maybe would have stuck a few semi-colons here and there at the end but other then that the grammar isn't THAT bad.

I liked the message you were trying to bring across, it really spoke out to me!

The beginning stanza felt like it belonged in the middle of the poem, maybe you could try extending it a little?

Also, you could try some stronger words to make the poem a bit...bolder in itself. For instance instead of "a wakening sun" maybe "an arising sun?" hmm...not sure on that one hahaa ^^


I enjoyed your ending but felt that it should have had a full stop at the end to make it more definite...Other then them few nitty picks I felt the poem had a true meaning with good potential...keep writing!

Sorry, not much of a review! Good Luck!

h

darko.demark666 wrote:

jules4848 wrote:Flashing lights, and shops galore Why would you put a comma before "and"!?

Actually, I checked and the comma before "and" is correct. But it's also correct if you don't put it because the linguists haven't decided yet whether the comma should be there or not. Sorry.

I liked this. It's a really simple and vivid poem. Rhythm faltered from time to time, honestly. First in the first stanza and also in the last two lines of the second stanza. Anyway, aside from that, this poem is really great. Simply beautiful. oh and wonderful ending.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

This is a great poem! It reminds me so much of New York... even though I don't live there.

When everything is said and done
Out comes again, a wakening sun
So it's proved, that on the city streets
Nothing ever truly sleeps

This is my favorite stanza, though I wish it had some punctuation at the ends of the lines. It's fine though, I don't think it really needs it. Well done!
[spoiler] 9/10 . Wonderful job! [/spoiler]