Busy as a Bee

3 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
Busy as a Bee

She pranced like a tethered pony
Held just out of reach of a carrot
By the fraying hemp rope on her halter.

A little boy taunted her with the treat
As she strained and s t r a i n e d against the tether,
Her every muscle screaming,
But her teeth still closed on air.

She fluttered like the humming bird,
Flitting from flower to flower
To sip each sweet blossom's nectar.

Her wings were tireless engines,
At speeds that make the cheetah envy,
Levering up, CRASHing down,
Until they ran out of steam.

She toiled like the industrious termite
Through rock and soil and mud,
Slave to a singular will and purpose.

The hive queen gave her orders
Which she dared not disobey.
Incapable of independent thought,
She was as busy as a bee.

She's not so busy now, is she?

-=-=-=-

The first two stanzas are my favorite, though the second to last line is what inspired the rest of the poem.

[Edit] The phrase "busy as a bee" was first used to refer to housewives, and is still used often in this context. Applying this to the poem, does it change the meaning any?
Last edited by Kale on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1659
Reviews 223
Kyllorac wrote:Busy as a Bee

A little boy taunted her with the treat
As she strained and s t r a i n e d against the tether,
Her every muscle screaming,
But her teeth still closed on air.

Her wings were tireless engines[s],[/s]
At speeds that make the cheetah envy,
Levering up, CRASH!ing down
Until they ran out of steam.

[s]She's not so busy now, is she?[/s]



Oh, well:
I found this very "I don't know". It's perfect to some point, it's awful in other. Don't worry, it's great all-in-all. Your only bigger mistake was punctuation(Again, again and again. People! Put the punctuation!).
Next, the last verse is not making any good to all of this. I suggest you just delete it. The underlined words are suspicious: It's nice when on screen, but by making that decoration, you consider the reader as a dummy. Come on, really, who wouldn't notice "levering UP and crashing DOWN?"
On the other side, I was amused when I saw how smart-word are you. You really have a gallery of right words and you have the sense for putting them in the right place. Bravo! :)

[spoiler]7/10[/spoiler]
Dreams they come and go...ever shall be so...




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1155
Reviews 98
Aww....this was nice sweet piece.

The only real grammar errors I noticed were already pointed out. The fluency is okay, and more stylistic devices could be used. Make use of similes and metaphors and parallelism and personfiction, they are you tools to success in poetry! Some people think choruses can only be used for songs, they are wrong. Repetition is good!

Overall, I liked it. There was a simile, but more could be added. I see a homeric simile in the making.

Bravo!

-Colt
"We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible." Vince Lombardi

~You've just been ticketed by the Grammar Police! 1000 word essay fine.



If Nate ever zeroes the count in "Count Up Until Nate Zeroes It", that zero should be immortalized in the quote gen.
— JazzicusMaximus