I can make it better

Go out and have your fun
Then come and tell me
about the things you have done

Explain every moment
Do not leave out a thing

Was she good or lame
Does it feel the same
Did she moan your name

Did your eyes roll back
when her lips touched your neck
Or did her kisses have no effect

She is trying to be like me
She is acting like a whore with all your friends
and she calls herself a lady
But baby she does not see

I can make it better
I will stick your fingers in
and make it wetter

I can make you harder
I am a professional and she is barely a starter

I can make it better
I will sit back and let her try to be
But it just can not be

Maybe that should be rated . I liked it. I would suggest a bit of punctuation, which is not needed, but it makes it easier to read aloud. Something I didn't understand though, which you might want to add another stanza to explain, is why this guy is going off with the other girkl instead in the first place. After all, as a narrative poem, it should tell the story, even if not all of it. But it needs to be clear.

I am a professional and she is barely a starter

This ilne didn't flow very well, so I suggest you shorten it. Other than that, I didn't see anything obvious. Keep it up

I noticed that in some of your stanzas rhymed and didn't in the others. I liked that about your poem. I also liked the no punctuation too.

[quote]

I can make it better
I will stick your fingers in
and make it wetter

Because of this part, this poem should definitely be rated.

Well, everyone on here is thirteen and up so I don't think it needs to be rated.
It isn't too explicit.

Anyways onto your review.


Go out and have your fun

Then come and tell me

about the things you have done



Explain every moment

Do not leave out a thing



Was she good or lame

Does it feel the same

Did she moan your name



Did your eyes roll back

when her lips touched your neck

Or did her kisses have no effect



She is trying to be like me

She is acting like a whore with all your friends

and she calls herself a lady

But baby she does not see



I can make it better

I will stick your fingers in

and make it wetter



I can make you harder

I am a professional and she is barely a starter



I can make it better

I will sit back and let her try to be

But it just can not be

You know what, I don't have any criticism for once.
Good poem. That's all I can really say .

Nice hahah.

It comes off as kinda slutty but pretty much any affection these days is so who can complain?

on to critique, I'd work on your punctuation a bit more and possibly pace the rhyme scheme a bit better, the last few stanzas, besides being beautifully perverted, also had a kind of stumbling nature to them.

Fix that up and you'll have a good subtly overt profession of physical attraction and professionalism envious of any teen wannabe bed queen.

Keep it up ^_^

Nice.
I like how you had no punctuation.
Made it an even better poem.

Well that made me think twice before I walk off from my boyfriend. It was good. I liked it. Really and truely we should all be 13 or over so we should act mature about this. To me it means alot because guys do that all the time. Just thinking about it, ugh! Still it was good but it should have told a better story like why was he going off again? And why did she want to know?:D