~Addicting Poison - chapter 7~

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Chapter 7

I just stood there as I looked at the person in front of me. He was no longer the skinny kid that I knew when we were in England. He was now a man, a gorgeous one at that. My eyes wondered upon his handsome appearance. They sought out his attire.

The coal colored jacket hugged his form and matched the dark black of his eyes. His black shirt wore out his six-pact and clings to the muscles that ripped down his chest. Ethan's eyes were deep enough for any person, probably a lady, to fall in and get lost within.

My eyes then lingered upon his gorgeous face. Ethan's lips were full and played in an excited smile. His smile reminded me of when we were together as newborns. His teeth vibrated a bright white. A smile any superstar would want. Ethan's dark hair was cut short, but not too long. Ethan looked impressive in his over outer look. Any look that a lady would find attractive. I must have been ogling a little bit too long, because I felt a jabbed to my ribs.

“Ouch,” I muttered, rubbing the spot. I glared at Adelicia, who glared at me back. Ethan chuckled.

“You haven’t changed, Liz,” he said with a chuckle, using the nickname he gave me a long time ago.

“I would like to say the same thing, but I can’t. Look at you!” I squealed as I ran forward. I hugged him. He hugged me back before he picked me up and spun me around in a circle like a child. I squealed again and begged him to stop. After a couple of spins more, he finally obeyed my wishes and put me down. I leaned my head against his strong chest until the dizziness faded away, and then I pulled away. I suddenly remembered my sister and brother behind me, and I slowly turned to them with a sheepish smile on my face.

“Guys, this is Ethan Sharpe,” I said, introducing him to my siblings. Ashton and Adelicia stare at him like they were dissecting him, then finally Ashton held out a hand to him.

“Nice to meet you,” he said as Ethan took his hand and shook it. Ashton then pulled away.

“I take it you are Ashton and Adelicia,” Ethan said. At their shocked faces, he added, “the council talks a lot about this family since they have an obsession with Liz here.”

“That’s not surprising,” Adelicia said as she smirked my way.

“Okay, can we not talk about me?” I asked, avoiding the spotlight. “Ashton, can you grab Ethan’s luggage, so we can get the heck out of here?” They all laughed at me. Ethan wrapped an arm around me and kissed my cheek. Ashton and Adelicia watched on with curiosity in their gaze.

“Sure,” Adelicia finally said. We walked over to the terminal and picked up Ethan’s Bags. Adelicia saw this as a time to link my arm with her.

Oh no, here is when the questions begin, I thought as I looked at her.

“Ashton, why don’t you give me the key, so Elizabeth and I can fetch the car?” Adelicia asked her mate. I shook my head at Ashton, but he tossed Adelicia the keys anyway. I found myself being pulled to the door of the airport.

Crap, I thought. I tried to break free of her grip, but she managed to keep on a tight hold on me. We walked to the car and Adelicia unlocked it. I climbed into the passenger seat as she climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Alright, start asking away,” I said as I looked at her. She gave an innocent look. “Don’t play innocent. I know you want to know.”

“I guess I can’t pretend with you,” She said as she started up the car. “ So, how the heck do you know him? I thought you wouldn’t know this guy, but I guess wrong.”

“I met him long before you came into the family,” I said as I rolled down the window and let the air comb through my hair.

“What does that mean?” she asked as she drove to the entrance of the airport.

“I mean after I was turned, London and I took a trip of the world. We stopped in London, England. We hung out with the other vampires. He was one of them. He hadn’t got into the swing of things either. Over the couple of weeks, we became great friends and I had excepted that he developed a crush on me, but I thought it would pass after we left,” I retorted.

“Well apparel, it didn’t. So what are you going to do now?” She asked. I shrugged. We drove up beside the walkway and parked there. We waited until we saw Ashton and Ethan coming to the car. Adelicia and me got out and helped them put in the bags. Adelicia beat me to the passenger seat up in the front.

“Be a dear and sit with your guest,” She said in a sweet voice. I growled at her. “Now Now,” She chided. I wanted to kill her right there, but I controlled myself and go into the back along with Ethan. We sat in silent for a while until Adelicia turned on the radio. And the first song that came on was Decode.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue.
Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are,
If you're a man at all.
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own.
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")
On my own.
(My thoughts you can't decode)



The truth is hiding in your eyes I quoted to myself. I looked at Ethan. He must realize that I was looking at him and turned. We stared at each other, looking into each other’s eyes. Over the past couple of years I got good at reading people eyes, and I saw something that shocked me.

“We have to talk when we get home,” I said quietly. He nodded. The rest of the ride was quiet until we pulled into the driveway. Ashton parked the Nissan in the garage, right beside my bike.

“Still have a taste for the dangerous side?” Ethan asked me as he looked at the bike.

“Yes, I still do. I haven’t really grown up any since you last saw me,” I said as I got out of the car and shut the door behind me. Ethan did the same on the other side. We got his bags and went inside. There, at the base of the stairs, everyone else waited.

I put down the bags I was carrying. “Guys, this is Ethan Sharpe. He is the one that the council sent,” I introduced.

Landon’s eyes widen in recognized. “ You mean the young man who was turned by Lucien?” he asked as he walked forward. Ethan stepped forward to meet him.

“That very one,” Ethan said as he raised his hand to shake. Landon took with enthusiasm.

“It’s good to see you again,” he said as he let go of his hand. He motioned to the people behind him. “As you can see our family has grown over the centuries since we last been to London.”

“Yes, I can see that for myself,” Ethan said as he looked at each of the members. Avery tightened his arms around Claiborne as Ethan’s glaze wondered over them, and then to Claiborne’s stomach.

“So you’re the one,” Ethan said as he smiled to Claiborne. “The council is talking non-stop about you and your mate. In fact, they would like you to come to England for the birth of you child.”

“No one but Elizabeth and me knows about the council,” Landon said as he stepped towards Ethan. I grabbed Ethan’s arm.

“Ethan,” I warned. Ethan seemed to get what I was getting at.

“Alright, I don’t want to cause trouble while I am here,” Ethan said as he raised his hands in front of him in defense.

“I will take Ethan to his room now,” I said as I grabbed his stuff and started heading up the stairs, Ethan following right behind me. We walked to the empty room on the bedroom hall. It was a guest bedroom. It was small, but had space. It had a desk, a chair and a bed.

“I hope this will do for now,” I said as I put down his bags, “ when you done, come to my room and we will take a walk, so we won’t be bother while we talk.” I left his room, so he could unpack.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Well, here I am again. I suppose I was rather harsh last time I reviewed, and for that, well, I apologize. It's perfectly beastly, having someone continuously beat your story over the head, even if what they say is true. So saying, I'll tone it down this time. ;) Nitpicks firstilililily!

He was now a man, and a gorgeous one at that.


If you want to make him attractive, by all means do, but could'ja give him some flaws, too? It's terribly fun to write about an intelligent, funny, hot, clever guy, but not as fun to read. If he must be perfect, at least don't describe him as gorgeous, please. It's a nice word, but awfully overused.

My eyes wondered upon his handsome appearance. They sought out his attire.


Two rather awkward sentences in one paragraph! -fakefaint- First, 'wondered upon,' messes up the flow completely. It might have, once, been an okay way to be astounded by someone's looks, but here, it just looks strange. I'd give you a better sentence, but my stomach lurches at the thought of having to write something like that - not because being amazingly beautiful/handsome/gorgeous is bad, but because I'm not used to making my characters perfect, and I'd rather not try to again. Change the wording, please? Also, her eyes don't need to 'seek out' his clothes, for they are right there where she can see them. While I don't think describing clothes is an important asset to this chapter, if you think differently, please at least rephrase the second sentence quoted. =D

Ethan chuckled.

“You haven’t changed, Liz,” he said with a chuckle, [s]using the nickname he gave me a long time ago.[/s]


You repeat chuckle here. I'd suggest you cut out the first sentence above, where it just says 'Ethan chuckled.' And if he nicknamed her Liz, that's pretty clear without the struck-through part. You'd only have to put that there if he called her something less common, like, 'rat,' or 'monsoon,' or 'green-whale.'

And now, if you don't mind, here's the thing that bugs me most about your writing. I don't know why, and I'm sure I can't guess, but for some reason, it seems you haven't a very clear idea of what tenses are. In this chapter, you switch back and forth 'twixt present and past, and it messes up the flow like nothing else can. Allow me, milady, to give you a couple examples.

Exhibit A:
Ashton and Adelicia stare at him like they were dissecting him, then finally Ashton held out a hand to him.


Exhibit B:
He must realize that I was looking at him and turned.


Even if you only had one of these tense-changes in every chapter, it would be really bad. Stare in Exhibit A should be stared, and He must realize that I was looking at him and turned should be He must have felt my eyes on him, for he turned to look at me. Notice how they flow better that way? 'Cause now they're the right tense, which is past. Before, they were present, and that just - doesn't work. Please, before you post your story, go over it and get the mistakes, so we don't have to. Sometimes it's a grueling job. x-x If you have any questions about tenses, just PM me.

The PLOT

Now, the plot! I've already told you, in more-than-frank terms, that vampires having mates or falling in love was mainly a Twilight thing, and I found it simply ridiculous. However, I failed to point out (to you or myself) that, it being your story, you could make them yellow with purple spots, and since it was totally your story, I had no right to tell you to throw it out. Yes, I find the storyline cliche, and yes, the characters could use some flaws, but it certainly isn't all bad. If these weren't vampires, but werewolves, or some other, new, magical species of human you made up, I'd like it much better. If it must be vampires though, then I suppose it must.

So there you have it. It's an interesting storyline, whatever else, and I'm glad people like it. Elizabeth and her coven are somewhat cliche, as is Ethan, and I do hope you set to work on making Adam a little less generic, but as long as you're enjoying yourself, that's pretty much all that matters. Just - try not to take critiques too personally, because we're only, all of us, trying to help.

Good luck! I must run, but I very much hope I helped. =D

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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Ethan's eyes were deep enough for any person, probably a lady, to fall in and get lost within.


This is an awkwardly worded sentence. Maybe try: Ethan's eyes were deep enough for any lady to fall into and get lost in.

My eyes then lingered upon his gorgeous face. Ethan's lips were full and played in an excited smile. His smile reminded me of when we were together as newborns. His teeth vibrated a bright white. A smile any superstar would want. Ethan's dark hair was cut short, but not too long. Ethan looked impressive in his over outer look. Any look that a lady would find attractive. I must have been ogling a little bit too long, because I felt a jabbed to my ribs.


A thought just came to me when I finished reading this... can vampires grow up after they are changed?? Because she said when she first met Ethan, he was a scrawny little boy but now he was a man...? Explain that more.

“Well apparel, it didn’t. So what are you going to do now?”


I think you mean "apparently" here instead of "apparel"

“No one but Elizabeth and me knows about the council,” Landon said as he stepped towards Ethan. I grabbed Ethan’s arm.

“Ethan,” I warned. Ethan seemed to get what I was getting at.


I don't really understand what is going on here. Explain.

~ ~ ~ ~

That's it!? This is done?! UG! You can't leave it like this... now I'm really upset... I want to know more about Ethan! I liked him immediately. This whole chapter just worked. It flowed nice, had a good beat, worked well, very few tense mistakes.

Very well done, Bri. I definitely want you to update me when you post the next chapter!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



if ya mention chickens, i have to show up, that is the law.
— alliyah