Cut Off

This poem is meant to be short but you can comment on the length if you really want to!


Short clasps around my damaged heart;
To bleed, to lead me to the start -
Your razorblade did not mend;
To bleed, to lead me to the end.

For this sort of poem, it truly should have been longer. From what you gave us, it didnt really seem at all like a poem in that sense. I could just be being picky, but I didnt get much out of this poem at all. If it wasnt short enough, you also repeated two of the lines.

Give us something to think about. Something to impact us. This just kind of read easily and left nothing to the mind.

Although your wording is beautiful, try to really get your point across, cause with this poem I didnt feel a point to it.

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Yeah really. I thought MY poems were short (I'm not making fun of you I promise)
I do have something else to say though about this;

Short clasps around my damaged heart;

OK, I know you must've meant to do it that way, but I don't get what it means. Is it just me? Am I being blind or something? I don't know what it is, but I don't understand. Could you tell me?

peanutgallery007 wrote:Yeah really. I thought MY poems were short (I'm not making fun of you I promise)
I do have something else to say though about this;

Short clasps around my damaged heart;

OK, I know you must've meant to do it that way, but I don't get what it means. Is it just me? Am I being blind or something? I don't know what it is, but I don't understand. Could you tell me?

I'm trying to speak of a person who is captured by somebody else (in love). That is especially what the line you quoted is about, how her heart is trapped by the other person. It's saying that he damages her but she can't stop loving her.

As I said you could complain about the length but I will not be expanding it.

No dear, no no no.

First off, you don't capitalise the start of every line. You only employ the capital when particular emphasis on words that need them, otherwise, you're just messing up your poem. It implies neither punctuation, grammar or knowledge, and so makes you look amateurish. What's with the semi-colon on the top line? That's not required since you're going to use a period on the next, seems as if you're TRYING to disjoint and therefore create a sense of no communication in your poem.

Word use is simplistic, I can get a taste of your lathering that you're trying to douse me in, but nothing new. It's pretty emo and bland, and gives the typical "runarazorbladeacrossmywristsandletallthebloodpouroutandgetridoftheevil" which is rather irritating. It connotes lack of thought and image, nothing that really gives me a thought of evokation. However, you have thought about your rhythmical meters, which do add its fair share in phonology. I don't see your point, with the content though, it just seems...cliché and predictable. Like you want to be unique, but just revert to what's popular.

The couplet at the end didn't really sow an image of content into your piece, and it just made me a bit nostalgic. Though, I suppose I am more of a 'showered in imagery', however I didn't like what you gave or told me. Felt ridiculous. Was like spreading butter, easy to read, easy to understand. Love is fickle, stupid even, a seemingly simple yet falsely abnormal to right about.

It shows potential.

Thanks for explaining that to me. I can see it clearly now! *peanutgallery breaks into a verse of I Can See Clearly Now*

Thanks for explaining that to me. I can see it clearly now! *peanutgallery breaks into a verse of I Can See Clearly Now*

I'm with PG007, but i think you can get rid of the first word and replace it with 'he' or something. (Wow that sentence was so gramatically incorrect!)If you don't think it will fit then don't change it though.

I really liked it; i didn't think i would, because it is so short, but your rhythm is perfect. The poem flows very well, and your word choice is awesome!

Keep up the good work!
~Poem

(Gold Star!)