Winter Epiphany

[I wrote this for a project in my Literature class. We had to write a poem which used themes from the Romantic period. I've already turned it in; however, I am considering using it for a big contest. (Big: $1,500 worth.) I would appreciate every comment I could get!]

Winter Epiphany

The gaunt and effete trees
have left the earth repugnant
that not a man with open eyes
this carcass earth could please.

With closed eyes, I dream awake—
the sparrows trill and trip,
and rest upon the bough above
to share their joy—and ache

for springtime's sun again.
Now thy bough waits, wanting
your song to give it life,
as do I, though in vain.

Sparrows! Do I dream once more?
Your song I hear like yesterday,
and with such a sweet melody,
my mind cannot ignore.

Yet, my body and soul must be lost;
can beauty live in winter's frost?

---

Big thanks goes out to Fand/Milly for being amazing and teaching me how to properly use meter in poetry. Gotta love those iambs!

First off, I loved the poem...now lets take a little in depth look at it here and see what I can do (it won't be much, but it's something!).

Suzanne wrote:Winter Epiphany

The gaunt and effete trees
Have left the earth repugnant,
that not a man with open eyes
This carcass earth could please.

With closed eyes, I dream awake—
the sparrows trill and trip, <----- I absolutely adore this line, well done!
and rest upon the bough above
To share their joy—and ache. I understand you were trying to connect the last line of this stanza to the first line of the next, but the point is you should never end a stanza with no punctuation!

For springtime's sun again.
Now thy bough waits; wanting
your song to give it life,
As do I, though in vain.

Sparrows! Do I dream once more? This now reminds me a little bit of The Dark Half by Stephen King!
Your song I hear like yesterday,
and with such a sweet melody,
My mind cannot ignore.

Yet, my body and soul must be lost;
Can beauty live in winter's frost?

---

So I basically love the words themselves and how you put them, very well done. The content of this poem is great. I just think you need to work on proper punctuation and remember that grammar is still more than relevant in poetry! Capitals are almost always a must....I hope my suggestions were good enough and good luck with the contest!

My knowledge of the Romantic period is intensely limited...meaning all that I know I learned this year from AP Lit. But I should say you did a pretty fair job using its themes and even its style.

With closed eyes, I dream awake—
the sparrows trill and trip,
and rest upon the bough above
to share their joy—and ache

for springtime's sun again.

This was gorgeous, especially "With closed eyes, I dream awake--". I feel like I've heard it before, but I don't know...maybe that's the brilliance of the line?

Now, I'm going to assume that you/Fand are much better at metrical/rhythm stuff than I am, but:

and with such a sweet melody,
my mind cannot ignore.

It seems to me that "a" should be removed.

The gaunt and effete trees
have left the earth repugnant
that not a man with open eyes
this carcass earth could please.

And back to the first stanza, of which I am not a fan. "Gaunt," "effete," "repugnant," and "carcass" seem too much, even for a poem in this style. I'm also a little confused on the syntax. "The gaunt and effete trees have left the earth repugnant that not a man with open eyes this carcass earth could please." It seems that it should be punctuated thus:
The gaunt and effete trees
have left the earth repugnant--
that not a man with open eyes
this carcass earth could please.
Or something to that effect.

Best of luck!
Colly

I really enjoyed this, as usual. I agree that the first two lines are too much. I think they're more telling than showing. I'd try to paint more of a picture.
I love the second stanza. It flows beautifully. The alliteration of "trill and trip" is great. I love the hesitation before "and ache". It's a really powerful line, and the enjambment works very well.
"Now thy bough waits; wanting
your song to give it life, "
is perfect. It flows beautifully.
I think "as do I, though in vain." is a little weak. I'd change the "as do I" and try using more imagery.
I love "Sparrows! Do I dream once more?
Your song I hear like yesterday".
I'm not sure about; "and with such a sweet melody,
my mind cannot ignore."
the phrasing just seems a little awkward, especially in relation to the line that's come before it. I'm not sure what the purpose of "and with" is here.
The ending couplet is very effective.
A pleasure, as always.

Jas

Suzanne wrote:The gaunt and effete trees
have left the earth repugnant
that not a man with open eyes
this carcass earth could please.

That first two lines are painfully ugly. Read it out loud, especially in comparison to the next two lines which flow like Himalayan-swelled tears. The introduction of such language in the beginning sets the reader up for expectations of something at least a little similar, expectations that are quickly dissipated in the coming lines. So why start off with such bulky opening? Either change those lines or the rest of the poem, and honestly, doing the former is easier.

With closed eyes, I dream awake—
the sparrows trill and trip,
and rest upon the bough above
to share their joy—and ache

for springtime's sun again.
Now thy bough waits, wanting
your song to give it life,
as do I, though in vain.

Sometimes switching between subjects in a short time can work but in this case, while reading these lines, I feel that the flow is taking sharp, abrupt turns too soon when you could smooth it out more. First, you talk about yourself, then the sparrows, then the bough, then yourself again - all in the same string. That's a little too much variance of concept and thematic visualization for the average reader to swallow at once, so I suggest breaking those up into separate bubbles of ideas if you can.

Sparrows! Do I dream once more?
Your song I hear like yesterday,
and with such a sweet melody,
my mind cannot ignore.

John Keats, Ode to a Nightingale? The first three lines of this stanza are decent, the last is a severe disappointment because it simply describes your mind as flatly as possible. "Cannot ignore". What does that mean? Either make the image fluid or drop it altogether and put something else in.

Yet, my body and soul must be lost;
can beauty live in winter's frost?

Objectively, there's nothing wrong with the ending. Subjectively, I don't like it; it ends with one of those cheesy questions that seems to "sum up" the poem in one nice little question-marked package. Keats did it successfully, yes, but he's one of the only ones who could. I suggest dropping the rhetorical question and making your ending something of an uncertainly balanced statement.

I just took on a Distinguished Member...I must be feeling brave today. Hope that helped.