AfterMash: Chapter 3

Crabapple Cove
August 22, 1953

"So Hawk, whats on the menu?" asked B.J. Hunnicut

"Well, Beej, I do know that the main course will be fresh Maine lobster and filet mignon, and some sort of vegetable and thats all I know. We will have an open bar of course and a champagne toast, only the finest."

"Sounds nice Charles, oh I'm sorry I mean Hawk."

"Margaret's first wedding was nothing, I want this to be every thing she has ever dreamed of."

"She does deserve the best Hawk."

The two old friends sat in the den, discussing the wedding and what civilian life had held for them in the past few weeks. While the men talked, Peg Hunnicutt, the Hunnicutt's two-year-old daughter Erin, and the future Mrs. Benjamin Franklin Pierce sat at the kitchen table preparing the last minute details of the wedding. Mainly they were working on the dreaded seating chart."

"Erin honey don't play with that."

"Why, Mommy?"

"Because that is not a toy sweetie, now were trying to work here so please be a good girl, okay?"

"Okay Mommy."

"Peg, this is turning into a complete nightmare," said a completely frustrated Margaret.

"What is?"

"This seating chart! I can't sit Burns' with the Potter's or Louise McIntyre or even with the O'Reillys. I don't even see why we had to invite Frank."

"Then why did you?''

"I think it was Ben's idea, he said it would give Frank a good laugh seeing the two of us married, but I think it would give Ben a good laugh seeing Frank's face."

"Well maybe he'll behave?"

"Thats all I can hope for. So anyway we will sit the Burns' with the Breslins, Hawkeye's ex- finacee's family, we had to invite them because Daniel is still friends with the parents. She, being now Carlye Walton, declined the invitation, thank God. I met her in Korea. She worked under me for about two weeks; she was one of my nurses, good nurse... but anyway the Burns' will sit with the Breslins and some other people from around here. The McIntyre's with the Klingers, oh I don't know if Hawk told B.J. but Soon-Lee found her family about a week after we all went home and they are all doing fine living in Toledo. She's pregnant with their first child."

"Well good for them, its nice to hear the wonderful love stories that came out of this war."

"Anyway, Louise McIntyre, Charles date, the Klingers, Potters, O'Reillys, Freedmans, Fr.Mulcahy and his sister the sister. The head table will be as follows: Ben and I in the center with Beej, Charles, Trapper, and his son Henry to Ben's Left and you, my two sisters, Mary and Marie and Erin to my right."

"Me?"

"Yea, listen Peg I know I've only known you for two days but I feel like I've known you forever through B.J. and Beej means so much to both Ben and I and I hope that the two of us can become as good of friends as they are, and I would be honored to have you as my maid of honor."

"Margaret, I'd be honored and I have a good feeling that the two of us will become great friends."

"Thanks Peg, and now back to this what are we going to do about the rest of this chart?"

Hello, Sorice. This was pretty good so far. Here are a few errors I found.

"So, Hawk, whats on the menu?" asked B.J. Hunnicut

Names should always be closed by commas.

"Well, Beej, I do know that the main course will be. Fresh Maine lobster, and filet mignon. Also,some sort of vegetable. That's all I know. We will have an open bar, of course, and a champagne toast. Only the finest."

I was a little confused on who was talking. Maybe at the end you could tell us who was talking.

"Sounds nice Charles. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean Hawk."

Again, I don't know who's talking.

"Margaret's first wedding was nothing[s],[/s];[/b] I want this to be every thing (There 'everything' is connected) she has ever dreamed of."

"She does deserve the best, Hawk."

The two old friends sat in the den, discussing the wedding, and what civilian life had held for them in the past few weeks.

While the men talked, Peg Hunnicutt, the Hunnicutt's two-year-old daughter Erin, and the future Mrs. Benjamin Franklin Pierce sat at the kitchen table,[/b] preparing the last minute details of the wedding. Mainly, they were working on the dreaded seating chart.[s]"[/s]

"Erin,[/b] honey, don't play with that."

Who's talking?

"Because; that is not a toy sweetie. Now [s]were[/s] we're trying to work here; so, please, be a good girl, okay?"

What was Erin playing with? You never even mention it.

"Okay,[/b] Mommy."

The rest of the errors are just repeats.

Okay, so, I was pretty confused with this, actually. I never really knew who was talking, or really what was going on at all. You didn't really add description to what the characters, or setting, looked like. So basically, the reader was left in the dark. Try to add more details so the readers can paint of picture of the scene.

I don't really know the plot of this. I get that they are planning a wedding, but to me, that's all it is. It seems like just a bunch of people, sitting around, planning a wedding. So, I don't see a plot. Maybe that comes later? I'm not sure. (Maybe I should read the other parts. I probably should I'm giong to do that now.)

You had some problems with commas and semicolons. You never placed them correctly. Here is a handy tutorial to help with this. Commas vs Semi-colons This is a common error for me too.

So, I hope this wasn't too harsh. I hope I helped you somehow.