not sure...

this is a weird poem. it doesn't have a name. it's about some things....
i dunno. just tell me what you think. i'm not expecting that great of a turnout, cause people on here love to complain about punctuation. i understand that i do not punctuate everything. it's intended. thanks...oh and the first line is a spanish word. dont think im just making things up.


By Kisba.

ayudame ayudame
let's set our eyes aflame (i can beat myself up, i can beat myself up!)
get rich quick. get my fix. get bitched-- lick
the silver spoon.

you awaken everyday and pick a game to play and i'm always so close honey just a step away...

driveway. drive away.
drive a way
into my blood--- INTRAVENOUS
the flood (i beat myself up, i beat myself up)

you can never see me again
once you look into my brain you read me through my pupils

suck my blood and make me need you
there to heal
the wounds deep into my head

but i don't want you here to heal
the wounds left upon my bed

Alright, love, Evi here! Nice to meet you, and welcome to YWS! Glad to see that you've posted something.

So, it's not that we love to complain about punctuation, actually. It's that we love grammatically correct writing, as you should also. Your punctuation isn't really that terrible, because in poetry people choose to punctuate sometimes and othertimes don't; it's mainly your capitalization.

Maybe you are trying to make find a style, to be unique without using capital letters. And that's good that you're trying to do something different! However, this isn't the thing to do. It's terribly difficult for your reader to enjoy the piece when their eyes are flitting all over the poem, trying to find where your sentences start and how to phrase-- wouldn't it simply be easier just to put a capital at the beginning of each sentence? Like these poems here, written by June: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41650.html The lack of capitalization works only because each line is a sentence or phrase within itself, and there are no full stops in the middle of sentences to throw off the flow.

So, onto the poem.


The touch in Spanish is wonderful. It's a beautiful word, too, so that makes it even better. Great way to open up your piece.

Alright, so. Abstract can be good. You have a poem full of emotion here-- so full that it's overflowing at the brim --but none of this emotion in reined in to make any sense. It's as if you're rambling about your own thoughts, which, while could be terribly interesting, doesn't make an ounce of sense to us because you haven't explained any of it to us. Sure, poems don't have to explain things, but it's nice if we can have some idea of what you're talking about.

So, in the first stanza, you're setting youself aflame and beating yourself up. so, this signifies guilt for something you've done, and now you're being suicidal over it? Then, later, you mention a silver spoon, which is a symbol for the rich and spoiled. Are you angry at yourself because you're rich and spoiled?

So, all in all, this is very dark. You seem angry at the person this poem is directed towards-- angry at what they've done to you, even though you don't want the damage reversed.

...am I close?

So, I can see what you've tried to do with this. The last two stanzas were my favortie because, simply because of their structure and the sense they made. I coulda ctually decipher your meaning in them!

So, all in all, I think you have some amazing raw emotion behind these words. You just need to wrok on picking words that can express this emotion instead of hurling it in the reader's face. Aim for imagery, such as the blood on the bed. If you paint your reader a mental image, they'll be more likel;y to relate with the feeling being expressed. Play up on our senses, use metaphors-- whatever it takes to harness this emotion into something more tangible and expressable.

Good luck, and good job with this so far!

~Evi

I read this a few days ago and have been meaning to get back.

I'd first like to say, what's with the preface? you sound like you have a major chip on your shoulder, buddy. It made me wonder why you're so pissy, and I became quite endeared to you.

"ayudame ayudame." Help me, help me. Am I right? I looked it up.

I like the first stanza, especially the last 2 lines with all the words that kind of rhyme. I don't like the part in parentheses though, I'm not sure why. I think it's the repetition. Also the fact that I don't know what you're trying to say.

you awaken everyday and pick a game to play and i'm always so close honey just a step away...

love,love,love this.

driveway. drive away.

drive a way

into my blood--- INTRAVENOUS

the flood (i beat myself up, i beat myself up)

The beginning of this is so interesting and creative. Then I get confused at the end.

I like the ending of the poem ok. What are the wounds left upon the bed?

Really, this poem has some sort of savage genius that I don't understand. I wish I was inside your brain so I could know what it is about because it's really really good. The lack of capitalization doesn't bother me because i don't think it really gets in the way of the readability. I do think some punctuation in the second to last stanza or the rearranging of some lines would help because I didn't get it the first two or three times because it was hard to read.

So good job, my friend. Sorry this crit was so patronizing. I'm here in kind of a daze. I'd like to read some more by you. Cheers!
rachel