You can't buy me over

This poem came out really good when I was randomly writing. Hope you like it!

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic,

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

I posted it on youngwritersonline.net but they just don't like my posts. Hope you like it!

Hey, welcome to YWS, I'm Telina.
I must say, I really liked this. I don't review poems as much as I should but I write some and I wish I wrote this one!

When I see your eyes,

There is nothing to despise,

But all those boyish lies,

This is great.

Makes me see you're idiotic,

I know this is trivial, but I think it would sound smoother if it was:
Makes me see you are idiotic,
even then though, this one line isn't as strong as the rest.

For love can last forever,

But you can't buy me over,

If you find a four leaf clover,

You won't get lucky with me.

Love the ending. Great job! I'd like to read more of your work PM is you want more reviews.
Sorry this one was so short.

Telina

iCarlyfan wrote:This poem came out really good when I was randomly writing. Hope you like it!

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic, Something's just wrong with this line.

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

I posted it on youngwritersonline.net but they just don't like my posts. Hope you like it!

I didn't liked the structure because...because it's just one big sentence....You should put a pause in it...But generally, the comma doesn't fit in verse #1,#3, #4, #7...

The last verses in the stanzas--->really sloppy.

I would add some more lines and stanzas for the proper work because all this makes me feel like poem is too short.

Hey, although I love short poems, I think this one could be a little longer, it would give your surprising ending a little twist.
I saw you're new here and I read the comment you left me (which I answered btw). I would also like to point out before I review this that if you enjoy poetry, please learn how to spell the words we use to comment it: it's "rhythm" and "rime", I know everyone gets this wrong, but now you can become obnoxious and correct them back!! Nah I'm just kidding it is rhyme, got you?!
Please don't introduce your poems about how you came to write them, let writing speak for itself, if you really have to say something about it, say it at the end or in a new post.

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic,

So I'm sure you've realised this but "idiotic" doesn't rime with anything else and sort of breaks your rhythm... And "despise" sounds weird, because it's an old-fashioned word and it breaks the modern feel of your poem. Maybe try to find something that will match idiotic.
And instead of "you are idiotic" I propose the much more forward "you're such an idiot", it shocks the reader and gets them into your momentum.

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

Again here, I really think that in making it a bit longer and a bit more playful, you could win a lot.
Maybe "Even If my love can last for ever,
you'll never buy me over,
so if indeed you happen to find a four leaf clover,
well you won't get lucky with me."

I'm not sure, it just seems that given the style and the content of your poem a much more oral and provocative style would give the speaker a lot more character....

I'd play around with these if I were you, keeping in mind that they are after all, only suggestions, and you are willing to do as you please.
Good Luck!
Velvet

Velvet.whispers wrote:Hey, although I love short poems, I think this one could be a little longer, it would give your surprising ending a little twist.
I saw you're new here and I read the comment you left me (which I answered btw). I would also like to point out before I review this that if you enjoy poetry, please learn how to spell the words we use to comment it: it's "rhythm" and "rime", I know everyone gets this wrong, but now you can become obnoxious and correct them back!! Nah I'm just kidding it is rhyme, got you?!
Please don't introduce your poems about how you came to write them, let writing speak for itself, if you really have to say something about it, say it at the end or in a new post.

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic,

So I'm sure you've realised this but "idiotic" doesn't rime with anything else and sort of breaks your rhythm... And "despise" sounds weird, because it's an old-fashioned word and it breaks the modern feel of your poem. Maybe try to find something that will match idiotic.
And instead of "you are idiotic" I propose the much more forward "you're such an idiot", it shocks the reader and gets them into your momentum.

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

Again here, I really think that in making it a bit longer and a bit more playful, you could win a lot.
Maybe "Even If my love can last for ever,
you'll never buy me over,
so if indeed you happen to find a four leaf clover,
well you won't get lucky with me."

I'm not sure, it just seems that given the style and the content of your poem a much more oral and provocative style would give the speaker a lot more character....

I'd play around with these if I were you, keeping in mind that they are after all, only suggestions, and you are willing to do as you please.
Good Luck!
Velvet

I like it but thanks for the suggestions. I prefer my poem but I will think of something tonight.

The last two lines amazed me.
I normally don't like very short poems, but this was good.
However, I think the 4th line sounds kind of strange. Idiotic just doesn't seem to flow very well, unless thats what you were going for.
I love this a lot!

Ok, how does this sound?

When I see your eyes,

There is nothing to despise,

But all those boyish lies,

Makes me see you're a fool, certainly nobodies.

Is that better?