Memories Fade

Night after lonely night.
I stare at the flickering lights
Of my computer screen.

My mind drifts into hollow places
Dark, secluded, fond memories
Of this days past.

I hit a brick wall when
My thoughts come to her, and
I don't know where to go from here.

Her presence at day
Is warm like the sun, but
Her presence at night is like death.

A feeling of emptiness and sorrow
Is all the comfort I have.
It's enough to sadden a dying man.

All I want is to feel her breath
The warmth of her skin and feel
The steady rise of her chest next to mine.

Are all these feelings wrong,
And the energy a waste?
I cannot think what to do in this place.

Hello, Stoney! Welcome to the site. Let's start this review, shall we?

First, make sure all your I's are capitalized, dear! A small mistake but it does make a difference. Also, second stanza, second line: I believe those periods should be commas? Finally, fifth stanza, last line, the Its should be It's. Okay, that's it for grammar corrections, and now I'll move on to the fun stuff.

Of things of this days past. I don't like the repetition of of here. And, now that I think about it, this whole line is a bit weird - I could understand what it meant if you had not written this; memories of days past. Or if there was an apostrophe for days; of the past events of that day. I'm not sure which you mean (although I like the first better) but I think you need to choose one of them.

I just dunno where to go from there. This line is different from the formal-er language of the other lines. Eg, dunno: it's okay to use, even if it's not a real word, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. And just is a word that I, personally, hate. I think it adds nothing and isn't needed.

Is all what comfort i have. Besides the uncapitalised I, the what is weird here. Did you mean something else, like the? Because it doesn't make sense right now.

Its enough to drown laughter from scrubs. Scrubs...? Like, medical scrubs? That's very odd but it's the only thing I can think of since it's not used as a verb. Or maybe I'm completely missing the point...but it doesn't work.

The steady rise of her chest next to me. This is totally my opinion, and feel free to disregard, but I rather like the idea of substituting me with mine, as in, my chest. I think it would be a nicer image.

So! You have a good beginning here, it just needs some refining and polishing. PLEASE don't be discouraged by my comments: they suggestions, and it is of course all up to you, although I do think they'd help this piece a lot.

I like the way you have a universal feeling, but it's not presented in an annoying or overdone way. That said, some imagery and exploration would go a long way here. How did she make you feel before the loneliness? How does she make you feel now? Are you angry, guilty, disappointed, anything besides sad? Here and here are two articles on emotion and imagery and I think they'd help more than I can.

Again, nice work, but now take it above and beyond and make it brilliant, kay? PM me if you have questions or need anything!
-Mars

G'day Mars.

First, thank you for bringing the incorrect gramma to my attention. I can't stand it either. I've made the changes that you pointed out, because I felt they work much better, and changed one or two other things while I was at it.

The Scrubs part was in reference to the television show - I forgot to put quotation marks around "Scrubs" and to capitalise the 'S'. I placed that in because I was watching it when I wrote this. I generally find it an hilarious show, yet because I was feeling so down, I couldn't laugh at anything throughout it. It probably shouldn't be used, and I most likely could have found something else that could have been possible a little more relative, but nonetheless, it's staying!

Thanks for the positive feedback. I won't take things as offence or get myself discouraged by what you are saying, because I'm able to grow from it.

Oh, and thank you for the links to the articles on imagery and emotion. I'll read them thoroughly, and learn what I can from them.

Hello Stoney, I think I reviewed something of yours earlier? Anyway, I'm here to take a look at your lovely poem. ^_^

My mind drifts into hollow places
Dark. secluded. fond memories

Love the first line. It's something a lot of people can relate to, but still you've made it your own and changed it up a bit. The second line: all of those should be commas, though.

I hit a brick wall when
My thoughts come to her, and

I think this could flow better if you put the 'when' at the beginning of the second line instead of the end of the first. But that could be me, the rhythm freak.

Her presence at night is as death

Hmm. For this 'as' to come across as natural, you'd have to have something to compare her and death. ...is as ___ as death. As cold as death? As still as death? If you don't want to add something, you could change it to 'like', which would work just as well.

It's enough to drown laughter from "Scrubs."

You have such a formal tone, and then...eh. I normally frown upon poetic references to modern media, such as TV shows or music. I don't think it really enhances the poem. What else is as funny as Scrubs?

I cannot think what to do in this place.

What place? Throughout the poem you've described a person, yourself, and emotions-- nothing much about a specific setting or place. It's a rather abrupt way to end a poem, methinks. Since the previous line is about feelings and wasted energy, perhaps:

I cannot think of what to feel in their place.

Or something. As in, replacement emotions for things you feel you're wasting yourself over.



So! Normally poems without a constant rhythm irk me, but I think you excecuted this well enough for your readers not to notice if you had a jerky flow here or there. I'm fond of rhyme, also, but it didn't bother me here either; in fact, the way that the very last two lines sort of rhymes (called a slant rhyme, by the way) was a nice touch. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but it worked.



Perhaps you could use a bit more imagery, but I liked this poem how it was, in all its simplicity and straight-forward meanings. So often I find myself trying to decipher phrases and translate deep, emotional poems, but here I can just sit back and read a nice, sweet, to-the-point poem. Sure, maybe you didn't spice it up a ton and make it your own, but it works because of what a gentle air you gave it.

Hope this was helpful, and see you around!

~Evi

Hi Evi

First of all, thank you for your review, I have taken some of what you suggested and have adjusted this piece accordingly. You have not yet reviewed my other work that I have posted, but if you would like to read it, here is the link for it.

I hit a brick wall when
My thoughts come to her, and
I don't know where to go from here.

I have written this stanza like this, with the when at the end of the line instead of at the start of the line because: a) I thought it fit better having and at the end of the very next line, and b) To have when at the start, I think it would give the entire stanza different meaning.
Eg,
When I hit a brick wall
My thoughts come to her, and
I don't know where to go from here.

Having it written like this says that my thoughts come to her when I hit a brick wall, however the meaning of what is written is that when my thoughts come to her I hit a brick wall and don't know where to go with what I am thinking/feeling - if that makes any sense?

I think having explained that part, this might make a little more sense:

I cannot think what to do in this place.

I cannot think of what the next step to take is with how I am feeling. I suppose the phrase is slightly metaphoric? (Not sure if that's the correct term, but it sounds like it is in my mind, so I'm sticking with it)

Her presence at night is as death

I changed this to Her presence at night is like death. Incorrect simile use in the original.

Finally, the Scrubs reference I have changed, because it just doesn't work. Two people have commented on it, so to me, that's too many people, so it's gone now. Feel free to let me know of what you think of the new line in its place. (Fifth stanza, Third line.) It's an exaggeration, but what the hell? It's my piece

Anyway, thank you again for the review, Evi. It was most helpful.

`Stoney wrote:Night after lonely night.
I stare at the flickering lights
Of my computer screen.

Very strong intro. It pulled me right in! :]

`Stoney wrote:My mind drifts into hollow places
Dark, secluded, fond memories
Of this days past.

I love the dark images!

`Stoney wrote:Her presence at night is like death.

Call me picky, but I feel like this line is incomplete. I feel like you need another syllable or a few.

I love the images you use. I like the part about hitting a brick wall when you think of her. Everything about it was great. It was very well written and I feel like there is a strong connection between the reader and the writer! :]