Anything...

4:30 pm

"So you're definitely sure you want to go through with this?"

Jack raised his eyebrow as he waited for an answer. He attempted to make eye contact with Lauren. She looked to the side, her expression constantly warping from desire to uncertainty, certainty to disgust. Finally a determined appearance settled on her face, and she nodded.

"I'm not convinced." Jack said, clearly reluctant.

""Jack, please..."

"No..." Jack stood up and, dragging Lauren with him, walked in front of the mirror. Gazing at it, they each silently appreciated their image. Their features were contrasting - Jack was taller than most of his peers, dark haired, brown eyes, tanned freckled skin, wearing casual clothes, his short hair scruffy, thick patches of stubble showing his poor shaving skills. Lauren was shorter than most of her friends, with long, straight blonde hair, combed to perfection, blue eyes and fair skin, her expensive clothes a clear indicator of her high social class.

They were opposites in almost every way possible. Jack was artistic, excelling in Art, Music, Drama and pushing his English grade very high with his creative writing skills. Lauren had been raised by her middle class parents to be an academic, being top of the class whenever Maths and Science were involved, as well as being a renowned essay writer. Jack had excellent stamina, a marathon runner, yet he was somewhat clumsy, a result of his disproportionately tall body. Lauren, on the other hand, was not physically fit, easily worn out after sprinting ten metres. Yet her graceful movement was almost unearthly, so much so that she was a natural dancer.

But they went well together. It was as if they became a single person, perfect in almost every single way. Friends since infants school, Jack only just gathered the courage to ask Lauren on a date thirteen months ago, beginning a relationship that was now the envy of everyone in their school.

Sadly, this apparently perfect relationship was doomed to end before it could develop into an apparently perfect marriage. For, two weeks ago, Lauren had been diagnosed with an illness from which there was very little chance of recovery, and she was predicted to die, agonisingly, within months. She was told that she would be able to enjoy a few weeks in which any pain would be easily treated with paracetamol, but the pain could escalate to potentially unbearable levels at any time, and she would have to spend her last few weeks in a hospice if she was to live a reasonably pain-free existence.

"Look at us," Jack said tearfully, "we were always the best couple. There wasn't a single flaw in our relationship until..."

Lauren turned to Jack, her eyes beginning to water.

"Jack...my life was flawless until I was told..."

"But do we really have to...I just don't want us to be remembered in a, well, disrespectful manner."

"Disrespectful?!" Lauren cried, offended. "You'll only gain respect! By ending this with...such a beautiful gesture of...of love. Jack, please..."

Jack looked away, biting his lip. He was hoping he could get away with showing his reluctance through his body language. He didn't seem to be getting anywhere.

"Lauren...I don't feel comfortable with this."

"Jack," Lauren swivelled his head so that he was facing her again, so that she could stare intently at his eyes, "do you remember what you said...promised, when you asked me out?"

"I...no."

"You said you would do anything for me. So now, if you really love me..."

Jack closed his eyes.

"Okay." He sighed. "Okay. I'll do it. For you."

Lauren grinned with genuine joy.

"Well then, what are we waiting for? I've got it all set up in the bedroom."

She skipped up the stairs, followed unenthusiastically by Jack. Half way up, he nearly burst into tears. But somehow, he managed not to. For Lauren's sake, he could not ruin this.

6:00 pm

Tired with grief and stress, Lauren's parents, Mr and Mrs Brown, were unable to come home as early as they had hoped. Even so, they were content in the knowledge that they had tried their hardest to leave work as early as possible, even if they had not been very successful in their attempt. For they wished to make their beloved offspring as happy as possible in her last weeks of life.

Entering the house, they looked for Lauren in the living room, the dining room and the kitchen. Realising that she was either in her room or out with her friends, Mr Brown convinced his wife to leave their daughter to her own devices for the time being. Even the dying need privacy. But forty minutes later, when dinner was being served, there was no sign of Lauren. They called her name three times, before deciding to peek into her room, to see if she was in the house, if she was asleep, or if she was too depressed to have an appetite.

Upon opening the door, Mrs Brown stared in silent shock. On the bed she beheld her daughter, staring directly at the space Mrs Brown occupied. The hair on the side of Lauren's head was encrusted with a red substance, which had spilled down her forehead onto the pink bed covers, on which it was barely noticeable. As Mrs Brown stepped towards her daughter, believing that she had suffered a haemorrage, she became aware that there was another body in the room. Slumped against the wall, staring at Lauren's face, was Jack, a knife embedded in his heart.

"Please wake up..." Mrs Brown whispered to herself, as she examined her daughter's head.

She discovered a wound in her temple, the length of which she couldn't help relating to the width of the knife which had slain Jack.

"Please don't let this be real," Mrs Brown cried, "it's just a dream...just a dream..."

She looked at the corpse of Jack, which she was now convinced did not exist. She pulled the knife out, with effort. Thick with blood, Mrs Brown also noticed a few bits of something which she assumed to be Lauren's brain were stuck to it.

"Please let this be just a dream..." She stared at the knife hungrily, wondering what she needed to do to wake up from the reality.

Well this was a very interesting short story, which was very enjoyable, even if it was a bit gory. Oh, and congrats on actually posting in the romantic section. I think there should be more guys posting here.

Now onto the real review. Your first few sentences gave me the clues, so good job on getting that point across. Your description of your characters was well done, on how they were the perfect match and how they were opposites at the same time.

When you started talking about her illness, I got a little confused though. You should probably go into a bit more detail on that, like how he found out or what she was diagnosed with. One paragraph isn't going to cut it for her illness's description, because at that point you've really grabbed the reader's attention. You need to take it slowly, no rushing.

Your dialogue after the description of Lauren's illness has too many ellipses. You should cut down on that and kind of build up the tension of what is to come.

When Lauren's parents come back and give her alone time, I was expecting them to do the exact opposite. I thought they would want to be with her every waking moment if they knew she would die soon. Also, you should describe how they've coped with having a sick daughter and more of their views on her. An example would be how much they love her and will miss her.

At the point where Mrs. Brown is inspecting the scene, I would like to know more about what happened and for what reason. I was caught completely off guard when I read that, because it's certainly not what I had been expecting. I thought Mrs. Brown was standing there in silent shock because she had walked in on a disturbing scene with her daughter and Jack, but it happened to be a murder scene.

Good job on this story, you get a gold star!

=D The first thing I notice was something my advanced creative writing professor has drilled into my class and that is that the use of your extra fluff is distracting from the work. Is it absolutely necessary to inform the reader what time it is? Does it play a vital role in the narrative? Even if it does, wouldn't it make more sense to work it in {which it should be easy to do if it's really needed} instead of just leaving it hanging? Just use line breaks to separate one section from another and you'll be fine. <_< Or, keep the time thingies. It's really up to you. =]

Now, onto the actual story. xD

I'm just going to try to mention the big stuff here, because I think you'll be able to go through and rework this piece a bit. First of all, there were too many ellipses. There are some punctuation marks that need to be used sparingly because they draw too much attention to themselves, and in my opinion the ellipse is the worst one. I know you are using them to try to demonstrate the emotion that the characters are feeling, but you should try to describe those emotions in other ways. Look at their body language, describe some of their thoughts and feelings, do ANYTHING but rely on ellipses.

Their features were contrasting - Jack was taller than most of his peers, dark haired, brown eyes, tanned freckled skin, wearing casual clothes, his short hair scruffy, thick patches of stubble showing his poor shaving skills. Lauren was shorter than most of her friends, with long, straight blonde hair, combed to perfection, blue eyes and fair skin, her expensive clothes a clear indicator of her high social class.

This seemed, honestly, like a little bit of an info dump. You can fit in description of Lauren's hair or Jack's eyes when Mr. and Mrs. {put the periods after the abbreviations, by the way} Brown come in and discover them. Eyes glazed over in death and hair matted with blood, stuff like that. I also think that red would definitely be noticeable on pink. <_< Just me.

Sadly, this apparently perfect relationship was doomed to end before it could develop into an apparently perfect marriage. For, two weeks ago, Lauren had been diagnosed with an illness from which there was very little chance of recovery, and she was predicted to die, agonisingly, within months. She was told that she would be able to enjoy a few weeks in which any pain would be easily treated with paracetamol, but the pain could escalate to potentially unbearable levels at any time, and she would have to spend her last few weeks in a hospice if she was to live a reasonably pain-free existence.

Also, this paragraph just makes the whole piece have a hint of cliche. Perfect lovers torn apart because one has a disease. I've seen this story many times and because of that, this description leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The end is twisted and surprising, so why not make their reasoning surprising. If they're odd enough to end their lives in that way over an illness that affected only one of them, I think they might also be able to react strongly to something less significant that they blew out of proportion. Consider that. ^_^

Thick with blood, Mrs Brown also noticed a few bits of something which she assumed to be Lauren's brain were stuck to it.

"Please let this be just a dream..." She stared at the knife hungrily, wondering what she needed to do to wake up from the reality.

Though I appreciate the attempt at describing the scene fully, I think the 'brain matter' kind of ruins the subtlety that you had going. <_< And I also don't know that 'hungrily' is the best way to describe the mother's stare when she's looking at her daughter's brain on a knife. Kind of gives the impression of zombies.

Overall, this is okay work, but I think you can rework it, put a little more in and smooth it over a little more to make it even better and even more original. I thoroughly appreciated the twist in the second part, by the way. -thumbs up-

-Hannah-

whoa. that was actually a bit awesome. i agree that there was fluff in ur writing...that's what i usually avoid when im writing. its good to add a little detail...and yet almost as good to be straightforward.

what i had a problem with is the whole relationship between the two characters. maybe u should've described into more detail of that whole thing. lmao, i know i just sort of got after u for detail, but i'm just suggesting u go more into how exactly deep their relationship was...cuz it kinda threw me that the boy was so into her that he would do something like that, ya know? there are a lot of pyschological factors that go into this story, so u'll have to be more precise in that area.

i really really liked this, and i'm usually not into the writing that i come across on this site. hope i helped a little bit. the story rocked

I... but, he didn't need to... Huh? This story left me terribly confused and distraught, but in a good way! Now, let's review this, yeah?

"So you're definitely sure you want to go through with this?"


Jack raised his eyebrow as he waited for an answer. He attempted to make eye contact with Lauren. She looked to the side, her expression constantly warping from desire to uncertainty, certainty to disgust. Finally a determined appearance settled on her face, and she nodded.

These shouldn't be two seperate paragraphs. It's Jack speaking, so you should have "Jack raised his eyebrow as he waited for an answer" lying right next to it. Also, "a determined appearence settled on her face" does sound a bit awkward. The whole warping expression thing is - point out her inability to make up her mind some other way, like looking at Jack (or the floor, or anything) with pleading eyes, as she's pretty distressed about the whole situation.

"I'm not convinced." Jack said, clearly reluctant.

That line doesn't seem very reluctant.

""Jack, please..."

Why two quotes? And it'd be nice if you could add a tag, show us Laura's expression, what she's thinking and doing. It could be, "Jack, please..." As in like, "Gee, you're such a wuss." Or, "Dude, come on, you're being unreasonable." We usually can't infer what you mean.

"No..." Jack stood up and, dragging Lauren with him, walked in front of the mirror. Gazing at it, they each silently appreciated their image. Their features were contrasting - Jack was taller than most of his peers, dark haired, brown eyes, tanned freckled skin, wearing casual clothes, his short hair scruffy, thick patches of stubble showing his poor shaving skills. Lauren was shorter than most of her friends, with long, straight blonde hair, combed to perfection, blue eyes and fair skin, her expensive clothes a clear indicator of her high social class.

Well, the total character physical description paragraph is always fabulous. Not. It's annoying, if you didn't know that already. That's freaking great if he has dark hair and brown eyes and crappy shavng skills, and it's nice to be able to visualize the characters, but please don't dump it on us all at once. Try to fit it in subtly. But - this is a short story, and even if you didn't dump all the physical traits on the characters, it would have done just as well, if not better. I recommend getting rid of this paragraph, but if you really don't want to, focus on Laurens "clear indicators of her high social class" (although you say her parents were middle-class). Why it'd be nice is because having such a social status can add stress to any character, making the idea of suicide much more likely.

They were opposites in almost every way possible. Jack was artistic, excelling in Art, Music, Drama and pushing his English grade very high with his creative writing skills. Lauren had been raised by her middle class parents to be an academic, being top of the class whenever Maths and Science were involved, as well as being a renowned essay writer. Jack had excellent stamina, a marathon runner, yet he was somewhat clumsy, a result of his disproportionately tall body. Lauren, on the other hand, was not physically fit, easily worn out after sprinting ten metres. Yet her graceful movement was almost unearthly, so much so that she was a natural dancer.

Sort of the same as the last paragraph. We really don't need to know all this, and it bores the reader to freaking death.

But they went well together. It was as if they became a single person, perfect in almost every single way. Friends since infants school, Jack only just gathered the courage to ask Lauren on a date thirteen months ago, beginning a relationship that was now the envy of everyone in their school.

That's always nice =] Little corny though, if I do say so myself.

Sadly, this apparently perfect relationship was doomed to end before it could develop into an apparently perfect marriage. For, two weeks ago, Lauren had been diagnosed with an illness from which there was very little chance of recovery, and she was predicted to die, agonisingly, within months. She was told that she would be able to enjoy a few weeks in which any pain would be easily treated with paracetamol Paris-what-now?, but the pain could escalate to potentially unbearable levels at any time, and she would have to spend her last few weeks in a hospice if she was to live a reasonably pain-free existence.

Oh noez! And omit the words in bold, sil vous plait =D I just don't like them there. It makes the sentences sound... awkward.

"Look at us," Jack said tearfully[s],[/s]. "we were always the best couple. There wasn't a single flaw in our relationship until..." [He sniffled, he wiped his nose, he licked the tears that dripped to his mouth][b]Put something there...


Lauren turned to Jack, her eyes beginning to water.


"Jack...my life was flawless until I was told..."

Why? Why the extra paragraph? It's not even correct like that. It should be,
Lauren turned to Jack, her eyes beginning to water. "Jack...my life was flawless until I was told..."

But of course you have to realize, all those dots you're putting all over the freaking place makes your dialogue look and sound stupid. You ever heard of a comma, boy? ...Oh...well maybe...you haven't... and by the way, you put spaces before the letters that are next to those dot things. "Jack, my life was flawless until I... I was told..." <--- Better. Spaces! And commas! Yay!

"But do we really have to...I just don't want us to be remembered in a, well, disrespectful manner."


"Disrespectful?!" Lauren cried, offended. "You'll only gain respect! By ending this with...such a beautiful gesture of...of love. Jack, please..."


Jack looked away, biting his lip. He was hoping he could get away with showing his reluctance through his body language. He didn't seem to be getting anywhere.


"Lauren...I don't feel comfortable with this."

When I first read this, I thought she was trying to pressure him into sex. I was like, "Why is he so against it? Go and tap that!" He seems to weirdly okay with the whole suicide thing. I mean, obviously he's not *okay* with it, but he should be really nervous and really panicky. Not just like, "Oh, well maybe... I, I don't know.... Should I kill myself and my girlfriend? Is that okay? I wonder if it'll hurt..." whaddahell. And freaking seriously, why dots in EVERY FREAKING SENTENCE. COMMAS BOY, COMMAS!
Sheesh. And are you unsatisfied with only one period? You think it's lonely? You wanna give it friends? Why do you think it's called a "period?" Everybody hates them, and they have no friends. Therefore, no more than one dot! Ever! No more soup for you! ...United Kingdom? Oh, well you won't get that reference then =D
btw: I'm a hypocrite, bwahaha.
And how is that a beautiful gesture of love!? Seriously!

"Jack," Lauren swivelled his head so that he was facing her again, so that she could stare intently at his eyes, "do you remember what you said...promised, when you asked me out?"

Why don't you ever capatalize the continuing sentences of a person? "[b]Do you remember what you said - no, promised, when you asked me out?"

"I...no."

Just say he paused or something. "I," he paused for a moment. "No."

"You said you would do anything for me. So now, if you really love me..."

Why don't your characters EVER finish their sentences? It's always like, "dot-dot-dot" and the end of everything! AGH!

Jack closed his eyes.


"Okay." He sighed. "Okay. I'll do it. For you."

Togetthhhhherrr. "Jack closed his eyes. "Okay," he sighed. "Okay. I'll do it. For you." I don't think the second Okay is necessary, though.

Lauren grinned with genuine joy.

It's sort of implied when you use the verb "to grin" that it's a genuine one.

"Well then, what are we waiting for? I've got it all set up in the bedroom."

X-rated things are running through my mind right now, darling.

She skipped up the stairs, followed unenthusiastically by Jack. Half way up, he nearly burst into tears. But somehow, he managed not to. For Lauren's sake, he could not ruin this.

Well, then you write "he nearly" we sort of infer that he didn't. You just like addings lots of unessecary sentences everywhere, don't you? And I'd ruin it for Lauren, the selfish whore. >.> (I didn't say that)

Tired with grief and stress, Lauren's parents, Mr and Mrs Brown, were unable to come home as early as they had hoped. Even so, they were content in the knowledge that they had tried their hardest to leave work as early as possible, even if they had not been very successful in their attempt. For they wished to make their beloved offspring as happy as possible in her last weeks of life.

What nice, original last names. And for one you actually don't put periods where they're supposed to go. Mr[dot!] and Mrs[dot!]/Mr. and Mrs.[...dot!] And I feel so bad for her parents!

Entering the house, they looked for Lauren in the living room, the dining room and the kitchen. Realising that she was either in her room or out with her friends, Mr Brown convinced his wife to leave their daughter to her own devices for the time being. Even the dying need privacy. But forty minutes later, when dinner was being served, there was no sign of Lauren. They called her name three times, before deciding to peek into her room, to see if she was in the house, if she was asleep, or if she was too depressed to have an appetite.

Mr-avec-un-dot, sil vous plait. And ooh, we're all sort of guessing what's going to happen next. Maybe there wasn't any bow-chicka-wow-wow happening with Lauren and Jackers.

Upon opening the door, Mrs Brown stared in silent shock. On the bed she beheld her daughter, staring directly at the space Mrs Brown occupied. The hair on the side of Lauren's head was encrusted with a red substance, which had spilled down her forehead onto the pink bed covers, on which it was barely noticeable. As Mrs Brown stepped towards her daughter, believing that she had suffered a haemorrage, she became aware that there was another body in the room. Slumped against the wall, staring at Lauren's face, was Jack, a knife embedded in his heart.

Mrs has a dot, too. And how is blood barely noticeable on pink sheets? You insane? It's BLOOD on PINK. She'll never get that out, the poor woman. Maybe with some patience and hydrogen peroxide.
And when it said "stepped" toward her daughter, I thought it said "skipped," so you can understand my breif wtf? moment.
Methinks t's spelled hemorrhage. What is a hemorrhage? And oh no! Jackers! Why did Jackers have to die, too?

"Please wake up..." Mrs Brown whispered to herself, as she examined her daughter's head.

And when you use a comma, you manage to put it in the wrong place. See that comma after "herself?" Do you see it? Okay, now slowly extract it from it's current position and put it next to "Please."

She discovered a wound in her temple, the length of which she couldn't help relating to the width of the knife which had slain Jack.

Um, that wouldn't really hold any significance unless we knew whether or not the knife itself was really big. And that had slain Jack.

"Please don't let this be real," Mrs Brown cried, "it's just a dream...just a dream..."

[i]"Please, don't let this be real." Mrs. Brown cried. "It's just a dream, just a dream..." <--- dots are actually appropriate there. But nowhere else! >:[

She looked at the corpse of Jack, which she was now convinced did not exist. She pulled the knife out, with effort. Thick with blood, Mrs Brown also noticed a few bits of something which she assumed to be Lauren's brain were stuck to it.

Ewwie. And one) if she convinced herself he didn't exist, then why take the time to pull out the knife?
And two) Ewwwwwwwww.

"Please let this be just a dream..." She stared at the knife hungrily, wondering what she needed to do to wake up from the reality.

She stared at it hungrily? What the hell? Is she planning on downing it? And I think the "Please let this be a dream" is unnessecary, and you should cut it. Merci beaucoup.

I liked this, although the ending was sort of "AH! OH GOD!" Love is unpredictable, n'est-ce pas? Anyways, learn to control your dot fetish and get introduced to proper grammar relating to dialogue, and all will pretty much be well.
Toodles! Keep Writing!
~*Sara*~

Heyy !
I love your short story! you wrote it with so detailed description, I can imagine the whole scene. I usually read stories with violence involved in it, but this one really takes the plunge.
The part "..lauren's brain were stuck to it." was really umm...ewww. Maybe you can skip the too-gory details. But the details of the characters were described clearly and I had no problem reading this story.
Your choice of vocabulary was awesome, too. Great job!

I hope that was helpful.
Firman

I like it!! I think that there are enough grammar nazi and crap picking this apart (no offence, of course) I didn't expect it much, I thought they did the dirty, too.

Props for being a dude posting in the romance section.