Experience of a lifetime

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“Experience of a lifetime”
As my black peep toed heels crashed against the uneven gravel floor of the car park it gave way to an eerie, crunching noise. My balance disrupted. I was pinned against the car by the bite of the cold November breeze penetrating my pores. The burning sensation was intense. “Oh God help me” I muttered. Slowly, I turned around. It was as though time stood still. There, looking back at me, straight in the eye was that huge, cream building- the infamous Youth Training Centre (YTC). How inviting I thought.
Long nights were spent trying to orchestrate this visit and finally it was made possible. In two lines with no cell phones or cameras, dressed in our best church wear, we entered the gates. However, those were not pearly white. Rather, they were a grey-ish, green, tired, and worn and from I assumed, fed-up of seeing so many new faces on a daily basis.
We walked across the gravel and as shallow as this may sound, my only concern was the cry of my peep-toed heels. We filed into the hall. White plastic chairs awaited us. We sat and listened to the officer ramble. To cut an extremely long story short- we were not allowed to have any contact with the boys. “Sure” I thought, “it’s not as though criminals are my type anyway”. About ten minutes later, the boys arrived. Some in brown, white and civilian clothing. They strutted like celebrities straight to the highest level of the ramps, far removed from the white chairs.
The program began and the boys seemed to be interested. They laughed, sang and it seemed that our purpose was being fulfilled. However, my eyes got lost in the crowd. Boys not more than thirteen sat fidgeting in the crowd. Lost, confused expressions were plastered on their milky faces. Others, sixteen or seventeen perhaps were looking like what I term “Gunta fuh life”. No remorse and not a care in this world. There were also those who were neat and well “put together”, probably awaiting the return of the sweet bliss of freedom. Then, dressed fully in brown, I spotted a “foiiiinnnneee brudda” sitting effortlessly with more swagger than T.I. Nice. What could he possibly have done to end up here? Suddenly I heard a sharp whisper behind me.
“Jan stop staring at the boy!”
“What? I’m not staring at anyone in particular”
“ummmhmmmm… he is a convict anyway”
“How you know that?”
“cuz the man said so! Brown are the convicts… for rell bad crimes too”
“Oh…”
A hot lump developed in my throat. I found it difficult to swallow. I could feel my body temperature rise and if I were shades lighter, my cheeks would have been flushed bright red. I quickly re-shifted my focus. The word “convict” echoed in my head. What would his future entail? YTC, men’s prison and then what? Thoughts flooded my mind. This magnificent creation that epitomized the true ability of God all being put to waste? Why? I questioned. Was it worth it? Probably not. Even if he did change his life, he would always be judged and labeled. My heart began to palpitate as a series of emotions that I did not know existed blew me away with an unbelievable force. I took one last stare. Our eyes met for a brief moment. Embarrassed, I quickly looked away.
As the program came to an end we were all given a “treat” apparently. We were going to see where the boys lived. As we walked through another set of gates, a stench like no other violated my nostrils. It was a concoction of dirty, wet clothes, “toe jam”, stale food and yes, urine. “ewwww” was taken to a whole new level.
We walked along a corridor that was sandwiched between rooms on either side. There was no privacy as the walls were made of metal bars in the familiar greyish- green colour. There were probably eight beds in each room. Clothes were scattered on the floor. Wet boxers, dripping with water hung from make shift lines. Murky puddles formed beneath them. The paint was peeling off the walls and toothbrushes were flung aimlessly. The boys were pressed their boyish frames against the metal bars and despite all the chatter, the silence was deafening. I could not believe my eyes as my life slowly changed before me.
Finally, we reached back to the car park where it all started. A naïve girl whose mother sheltered her from the ills of the world now had a new appreciation for the freedom she enjoyed in her bubble




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Points 890
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Wow i really liked this piece, i felt it to be very funny most of all. The end really got me, i have never really read anything about convicts before. I like the way you describe things, your grammer is a off but that can be fixed in good time.

Also your missing a period at the very end of the story, its kind of a punch in the face after you get through all the good sweet stuff in the middle.

I think you have it together here, I think just put how you write about stuff like this to other topics and I will have a blast reading them.

have a good day!

-johnny
Why did god create a dual universe?
So he might say,
"Be not like me. I am alone."
And it might be heard.




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Gender Female
Points 5588
Reviews 94
As my black peep toed heels

There should be a comma after black, peep, and toed.

the infamous Youth Training Centre

Centre should be spelled center.

However, those were not pearly white.

It is hard to tell what isn't white.

Rather, they were a grey-ish

It should be grayish.

green, tired, and worn and from I assumed

The first and isn't necessary.

We walked across the gravel and as shallow as this may sound,

There should be a comma after gravel.

Some in brown, white and civilian clothing.

This isn't a complete sentence.

“What? I’m not staring at anyone in particular”
“ummmhmmmm… he is a convict anyway”

There should be a period after particular and ummmhmmm should be capitalized

“cuz the man said so! Brown are the convicts… for rell bad crimes too”

Cuz should be capitalized and rell is spelled real.

“ewwww” was taken to a whole new level.

Ewwww should be capitalized.

familiar greyish- green colour.

Greyish should be grayish and colour should be color.

There were probably eight beds in each room.

Probably doesn't really fit the sentence.

Wet boxers, dripping with water hung from make shift lines.

There should be a comma after water.

he boys were pressed their boyish frames

This doesn't exactly make sense.


The story is good. There were just a few minor mistakes. If you're from England, ignore most of the spelling suggestions.

P.S. There is a rule that you have to review two stories before you can post one of your own stories up.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway



People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love