I didn't really like the imagery and alot of the meaning was a little scewed the rhymimng pattern was annoying after a while but oerall it was solid and u obviously have some talent so keep pressing
Wow! I loved your poem. I thought it was deep and meaningful with a touch of spirituality. The only thing that I didn't like about it, was the fact that the killer was excluded from heaven. Everybody makes mistakes in life and have done things that they regret but those mistakes will not exclude them from eternal happiness if they repent of their ways and return to the master. I think your poem was very well written but I think you should change the ending because spiritual people who believe in God might get the wrong message. Think about your readers and audience who might be religious. Would this be a good message to convey to them?
okay this is just my opinion and these arent my favorite kinds of poems so if i'm wrong i'm sorry
As he huffed far away,
From his bill, (what bill?)
on the head man's hill,
He stretched his limbs,
and looked around.
Only now,
did he regret,
that he had killed, (cuts off the rhyming pattern try changing around or now into something that shows more of a pattern in the rhythm and rhyming)
the lad who hadn't even been bad, (no offence but i HATE this line, the rhyming needs to be more spread out, try putting more information about the boy before puting "wasnt even bad"...enough for a couple of lines just to keep the rhyming pattern going)
Sad he looked around once more, (try again instead of more, because the next line ends with more too)
He saw a thing that stunned him even more!
A door,
A door on a cloud floor. (i like these two lines they flow together nicely even though there are the rhymes so close together, you make them fit)
A pair of blue eyes looked at him,
Behind the curtains of heaven,
The creature came out,
The killer screamed aloud, (it seems like you were at a lack of anything that ryhmed with out....rhythm kinda cuts off)
He soon recovered,
And soon discovered, (i dont like this rhyme, seems too close together again, but that's just a personal opinion)
as he saw not the monster as he had expected,
but a small angel,
Awfully tired, not rested. (tired and not rested are the same thing and it seems as though you're talking to a two year old and trying to teach vocabulary, try changing awfully tired to something like "amazingly beautiful but not at all rested"...that is if you want the angle to be protrayed as beautiful)
The angel told him that he was suspended from heaven, (try changing the word suspended it makes it sound like he's getting kicked out for a period of time)
He waved his hand in the air and asked why.
The angel looked at him sternly,
"Because of a murder that's why". (i dont like the repeat of the word why, again just a personal opinion)
The man looked back sadly,
The killer said he was sorry,
Behind the angel some one said don't worry. (i like these last three lines they were put together well)
The killer looked who had spoke, (try "the killer looked TO SEE who had spoke)
What he saw made him almost choke. (choke and spoke go together nicely good job!)
Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad. (again lad and bad too close together)
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.~Groucho Marx
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Um. I thought tis poem was okay.
You have good writing, but the poem itself just does not seem to flow too well. Um . . . here are some of the parts I found a little um... strange:
1. The 'bill' part at the beginning
2. I think that next time, you should not use the word: Thing. Instead, try: shadow, or figure.
3. For this part: "the lad who hadn't even been bad" I think that you should put the lad part and the bad part on different lines... and then make the lad part longer.
Actually you know what? I think everything has been said.
So, overall, all you need to do is fix up the flow and the wording and I think thats it. Good job!
Be crazy, be wild, be silly...
Because life is too short to be cool.
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