Teenage Angst in Classical Greece: America 1920s-1940s

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"Lord, let them know that you are king, let them know that you can and will rein in their lives. Lord Jesus you are the only way for these lost souls, lead them not astray, in the name of your son Jesus we pray, amen"

My youth paster's prair echoed all around me in the church gym. The lighst were all off but the heat in the room was intence, beads of sweat ran down my face. I couldn't take the closterphobia anymore, there were about 100 of us and we were cooped up in this tiny gym for going on an hour ahalf. My girlfriend stood next to me, I could hear her praying under her breath, I looked up and a few kids had their hands raised worshiping God, a few others in the corners still praying to themselves"

I felt a hand come on my shoulder, it was warm and sweaty, I could hear who ever it was praying for me, I was immediatly uncomfortable. I wanted to say something, I wanted to break away from this person's hold on my shoulder. No, No, I say to myself, let them finsih. Oh God, I think, I sound as if there raping me and complenplaiting weather to scream for help or just let do what the want. I let whoever it is finish, their grip on my shoulder is realeased and I hear their footsteps walk away.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, I carefully slip it out and flip it open. I have text message from a friend.

"What time are you coming?" it reads.

I text back.

"As soon as I can"

I wait for the repley.

"I hope you can come" it reads.

I close the phone and slip it back into my pocket. The entire gym is quite and dark, we should have been dismissed 10 minutes ago. It seems the night might stretch. I turn to look at my girlfriend, her hair is flopped on her face and I could hear from her now the slow whimpers of sobs and moans. She's crying, she always cries like this. It used to be moving, it all used to be so thrilling for me to be here in this place. Lately for the past year now, I have lost the enthusiasm for church. Not so much God, but in the entire cycle of everything that is pertained with God. The youth meetings, the early church service, the long hours of voulenteer work on weekends. It all became so pointless to me.

I could feel inside the aching of change and freedom trying to tear it way out of my gut and into the world. It needed to be shouted and protested in the streets. I wanted out now! In the instant that I was cursing, "idioteque" by Radiohead enters my head, the lyrics screaming in my skull: "Ice age coming! Ice age coming! This can't really be happening, happening!".

"Hello" my girlfriend says to me.
I stire out of thought and look around. The gym lighst were back on and people were breaking away. It was time to leave.

"We leaving?" I ask

She grabs her church journal she uses to take notes.

"Yeah we're leaving" she says and turns toward the exit of the gym.

I pull out my phone and quickly text as we walk out.

"I'm on my way"

The repley is almost instant, simply a smiley face icon.

My girlfirnd and I quicky find her parents leaving the main church service and motion to us to come on. We hurry toward them, and cath up to them right when they unlock the car doors. I get in before my girlfriend, fastening my seatbelt as she closes her door.

In the dim light inside the car, the glow of the light leaves a murky shine on her face, casting a shadow of every single dry hair she has perched on the nest on her head. It appears sandy and rough in texture, smells of cheap shampoo and scalp flakes. Her clothes look like little boy clothes, her tennie shoes are white with fat cylander laces. Her jeans don't cover her socks, and her shirt is one too many sizes big for her. She is a little on the plump size and reminds me alot of a day care worker.

It's not at all that I am poking fun at her, it's something I have found myself doing alot lately. Suddenly I realize how unatracted I am to my girlfriend. Her habbits get to me more then they ever did, and I find myself loathing every moment that I am with her. Now why this all came about I could never tell you, she is not an abusive nor controling type, she means well all in the end. I just simply find her boring. We never agree on anything not even on the things we disagree on. I've been with her for more then 4 years and I find myself thinking that this all I am going to know for the rest of my life. I am young, full of life, and I feel strapped down already on the rocket to mediaocraity.

I calm down some when the car light is turned off and the car is backed up out of the parking lot. Something always about car rides have calmed me, the motion under my seat, and the way the city looks at night as I pass it by in silence from the inside.

My girlfriend's parents ask me questions about youth, and I answer them with pre read lines.

"good, I really felt God tonight"

They expectingly don't say anthing and the whole car sits in silence. I stare out the window at the cityscape, and sigh at every open windowed building with people congergating, the streets all lined with cafe, clubs and bars. People walking downtown with their friends, dates and signifacent others all leave a sadness inside of me looking outside through the looking glass.

We reach the suburb area of the city and the car comes to stop in front of my house.

"Here we are" My girlfriend's father says to me

"Thank you" I say "Have a good night"

I say goodbye to my girlfriend before quickly exiting the car, I hear the car drive away and stand on the sidewalk in silence. I wait until their lights are too faded to reconize in the hazy glow of the night sky, I start walking down the street to the next row of houses three streets over.

The walk is midly long and I see interesting night life along the way. I arrive at a neighborhood unfamilar to me, I squint through the dimness of the street lights.

"Fifth one down" I say to myself.

I spot the house I am looking for, it's architecture is old in apearance, a nice old house I think. I walk quitely to the front door and knock. The house lay quite in return before I notice the curtain in the front windown move. I catch a face before it disapears. The door opens wide and young girl stands in the doorway. Her small pale face with light freckles, long brown hair falling off her shoulders all were a warm greeting. Her bright eyes shined through me.

"Hi" my friend answers

"Hi" I repley

We stand staring at each other before her friends come around the corner.

"Who's here?" One asks

They take a look at me with a rasied eye brow.

"Oh hi!" she says "I remember you from school"

I say hi back before finally being invited in. The house is bigger on the inside, the kichean lights are on around the next corner, casting shadows of chairs and tables on the wall. The tv is on loud in the living room, a few other girls laying on the couch.

My friend leads me through the house introducing me to everyone, mostly people I go to school with. All mostly girls with some guys, probably their boyfriends. My friend leads me around a corner away from everyone. I wrap my hands around her waist and hug her, she stops and pushes herseld back into my arms. I rest my chin on her shoulder and sway with her in the hallway. Her hari smells good, like lavender or some foreign spice. Her skin is soft and smooth. I can almost feel the skin of her waist through her night dress. She turns around and kisses me. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, we stand there in the hallway for awhile.

"How long do you have?" she asks me

"We have school tomorrow" I say

"I can take you" she says kissing me again.

"Then I guess I'm here all night then" I say with a smile

She grins and kisses me again. We part, her hand falls to the side landing in mine. She leads me upstairs.

"Come on then" she says "time for bed"

she shouts goodnight to everyone downs stairs.

"Try not to brake anything" She says sweetly

"Goodnight!" everyone yells back at her, a few of them late.

I find myself laying in her bed in the dark, with my friend sleeping on my chest, her arms wrapped around me. She's warm, she's alive. The night portrays shadow puppets on her ceiling of cars passing by. The soft hum of the air conditoning blowing in. I am comfortable, I sink deeper under the covers, careful not wake my friend. I close my eyes, I feel her breathing on my neck. The warmth of her body rocks me to sleep.




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Points 1206
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"I felt a hand come on my shoulder, it was warm and sweaty, I could hear who ever it was praying for me, I was immediatly uncomfortable."
-Try to avoid run-on sentences like this one.

""Hello" my girlfriend says to me."
-Comma after sentences in quotes.

"I am young, full of life, and I feel strapped down already on the rocket to mediaocraity."
-I like this. =] True to many people, I'm sure.

All in all, pretty good. You need to work on general wording, spelling, grammar, and all that jazz.
Also, when I first joined YWS, I remember somebody telling me to avoid naval-gazing. That's when your character is so absorbed with himself that he doesn't notice anything around him. Other characters become the victims of naval-gazing and you never really get to know anyone but the main character.
I'm interested to see what else you have to add to this. =]
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Gender Female
Points 2490
Reviews 19
Maybe this is my fault for refusing to warm up to a character like this, or maybe its my lack of sleep. Singing for six hours with a cold and zero food in your belly with screaming children can do wonders to your critiquing style.
But I didn't really like it. For one thing, I'm always the one who cries at the church meetings.
And why does the girlfriend have to be fat? She can be smelly and have bad taste, but fat as well?
Okay, so I dislike that; and I kind of want your "friend" to be attacked by the BTK killer and then fed to my dog Charles.. and your main character should be ground into a paste and then fried into those little hash-fritter things they sell at Sizzlers..
but the last paragraph reminded me of summers with my cousins, when we were young enough to sleep on the floor together, , and the fan would turn back and forth in a majestic sweeping motion, harmonizing to the rasping sound of the air conditioner would whine and growl. And I would look at my cousins, snoring and flailing in their sleep and pray that summer would go on forever.


The night portrays shadow puppets on her ceiling of cars passing by. The soft hum of the air conditioning blowing in. I am comfortable, I sink deeper under the covers, careful not wake my friend. I close my eyes, I feel her breathing on my neck. The warmth of her body rocks me to sleep.

Thank you. I love it
Just write the damn thing!
Mur Lafferty



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote