Chapter 2 of Ballerina *edited* 2/4/09

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Chapter 2
“How goes it, Marie?”Genevieve asked walking into our room and sitting down on her bed the next morning. Then, she soon left to go practice dance so I was able to let my characters wander and roam the room, escaping the wall that was between me and the real world. This world could devour anything, destroying it to pieces. But I had no ideas in my head; once again, writers block struck me and stopped my chances being a great and extraordinary writer. I yearned to be one of the greatest writers of all time. That dream, sometimes felt as far away as the stars. I scribbled in my diary, writing about the cold, of how it was cold enough to get frost bite, and of my modeling for Monsieur Degas.
It was exhilarating. The fact that I was modeling a genus. Plus, I knew that as I was perfecting my writing, I would still be able to create a way to help momma and Genevieve. To lighten the burden of money for them.
“Marie! Marie, come down!” Genevieve called from the hall way.
“I am coming, one moment.”
“Mademoiselle Cassatt has invited us to a, ‘small ball’ for Christmas tonight! Can you believe it? Mother said we may go.” She told me, handing me the dove-white telegram. It was decorated with a gold brocade and lacy handwriting. I handed it back to her after reading it trough thoroughly.
“That is a grand idea!” I exclaimed, twirling about around the living room. Trying not to run into mothers chair and the hearth of which was lined with pictures of earlier times, when we were all happy and carefree. "But, what should we wear? Our poplin dresses will not due." I said, suddenly aware of the tear in my skirt.
We went back to our room, opening our hope chest and thumbing through the lace, chemises, and ribbons I pulled out a light, yellow, silk dress, Genevieve her forest green one with bits of lace at the collar. “I have the most wonderful feeling about tonight! Imagine: dancing to your heart’s content with your sweetheart”, at this she was mentioning her sweet heart, Monsieur Le Blanc. I cut in, “That would be fine as May, if I had a sweet heart.” I said, putting a light pink butterfly clip into my mop of brown cirls“You will have one soon enough, it surprises me that you don’t. With all your charms, thoughts and your beauty!" She was mentioning my hair and my cheeks, but that was about all of the beauty there was of me.
She changed the subject, “Do you know where your gloves are?”
“Yes, they are on the bed.”I assured her. There was a shuffle as we hurried to get on our, stockings, gloves, coats and, scarves. The whole process of getting ready took a whole hour-and-thirty-minute. I could not get the blon curls in Genevieve’s hair to stay tight, we could not find a parasol, and I was in a tangle as I tried to get my stocking’s on; I ended up losing my balance and falling over onto the cold wood floor.
“I wish I had the gloves and dresses of Marie Antoinette. But we are not destitute, not yet at least.” Genevieve smiled. " Yes, let them eat cake!" I joked as she helped me up to lace my corset. Momma had already laced up Genevieve'. I remember the first time I had worn one. I was fourteen and my family was invited to a ball. Excitement filled the air as we Picard women put on petticoats and refreshed our curtsies. Since the war, no one was having parties and balls. This was the first in many months. We all rushed off into the carriage and rumbled away. We were going to the Ashley’s grand house. Once we had gotten there, Genevieve and I were talking and laughing, being fine, elegant young ladies, dancing with our dance partners, having a jolly good time. When all of a sudden everything went black and I awoke to see that my family and friends were hovering over me. Mother and Father had rushed to my side. The eldest of the Ashley children said,” She just fainted dead away.” Momma replied as she helped me to my feet,” Yes, corsets do produce such an outcome.”
I thought of that night, as my corset was being laced. It felt as if my ribcage was breaking. I looked at the mirror and saw the same reflection: brown mid-length hair, brown, sparkling eyes, long eye lashes, of which I resmebled from my father, rosy cheeks and fine lips, all set on a long oval face. There were a few blemishes on my face, of which I desperately tried to get rid of. I gave a sigh and said discouraged, “Good as it is ever going to get." I winced as the corset got tighter. “Sorry, is that too tight?” Genevieve asked, loosening the white strings. I closed my eyes, breathing in the little amount of air my lungs would allow at that moment. “That is good, thank you.” I told her when she had synched me in.
We arrived at Mademoiselle Cassatt’s town house at seven o’clock; we were late.
“Hello, dears!” She said cheerfully when she opened the door to us, “How is your mother? Alright, I hope?”
Genevieve replied with a deep curtsy:“She is good with health and is jolly. Thank you, for having us. We greatly appreciate it.”
“Oh, you are quite welcome dears." She replied with a smile. “Do come in.” She led us into the parlor. “Well, I will check up on you in a while. Enjoy yourselves.”
Mary Cassatt was an artist from America. My mother, of who was friends with many people, knew Mademoiselle Cassatt, we had once been a family of grand luxury; those were the old days, they were gone now though, perhaps forever. She was friends with many artists. Such as Edgar Degas and May Alcott.
Monsieur le Blanc was already there and soon swept Genevieve off her feet with his kind eyes, gentle voice and, handsome features. I was left to wander, dance through the crowds, stare off into space and, ponder. I was swaying to the music of a waltz that had just begun to play, “Port Royal Gallop”- Claudio Grafulla. (1810-1880). Mademoiselle Cassatt was American, like us Picard’s I watched the elegant faces on the lovely ladies as they spun with their handsome partners; there gazes at each other said it all. Then, I saw him.
He looked at me; a sly smile fell across his gorgeous face. He started to walk over to me. It was Jean-Robert. He was a family friend. He was amazingly handsome, hypnotizing; blue eyes that were like ice, straight blond hair; he was tall, awkward and had a noble brow.
Jean-Robert and his family stayed in Strasberg for a while, and then they followed our path to Paris, France. He reached me, took my hand and whispered, “I have missed you.” I replied with a smile on my face, “As have I.”
“Would you like to go some place to chat; catch up on things?” He offered.
“Yes,” I replied, weakly.

We sat in a coat room, amongst furs, shawls, scarves and, top hats. Where our secrets, dreams and worries were kept and hidden, never to be revealed to the outside. These secrets were told in confidence.
“If I wasn’t going to be a dancer, I would go back to America and be one of the greatest writers of all time”, I told him boldly, “Are you shocked?”
He smiled; I turned my head to him and smiled back, like a fool! His blue eyes mesmerized me, but in a gentle way. “ In my mind, America is a modern and grand place; I miss it terribly. I dream about back home,” I confessed to him, a tone full of sadness,” I mean, things that are dreams here are real in America! The land of opportunity!”
“Yes, I suppose.” Jean-Robert said bashfully.
“Would you honor me with a dance?” I nodded. The parlor was filled with young faces, smiling and looking at each other, we were lined up, girls on one side, boys on the other. The young men bowed. Jean-Robert was looking at me as he did that; the girls curtsied. The orchestra started with slow notes then gradually increased. We started to dance, we walked to the center, turned, and then walked diagonal of where we were. We hopped in place for four beats. Then, made a circle of four and walked around three times. Finally ended with walkng dowmn the long line. “That was so fun!” I commented.
“I should probably go find Genevieve.” I said.
We had found Genevieve with Monsieur Le Blanc, sitting on a bench, talking. “What do we have here?” Jean-Robert joked to his tutor.
They jumped up, embarrassed. Le Blanc alleged, “Please allow me to escort you and young Marie home.” I crinkled my nose as I saw them hold hands and whisper to each other. I didn’t want Monsieur Le Blanc ruining our home life. I could tell that he was in love with Genevieve like no other. We marched up the icy stones, Genevieve and Monsieur Le Blanc in front of us, Jean-Robert and me, a few paces behind. We spied on them and listened to their conversation:
“I have always wanted to go to England and paint the countryside!” Genevieve stated.
“Yes, young Jean- Robert tells me that you are an excellent painter.”

“Oh, well it’s just something I play at! “ She said, bashfully. They linked arms together as the hill got steeper. Then walked on, Monsieur Le Blanc was hypnotized; he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her! Jean-Robert stopped and seized my hands into his, my stomach turned with butterflies; I gave him a puzzled look.
“Marie, I want to rewind, go back to the time of Strasberg, to when we were friends and played all the time, I want to be friends again. I have missed you.” His words made my stomach flop.
“As have I and, I would be pleased to be friends again.” I told him, even though I knew something had changed between us, even though I didn’t dare say what I thought it was. By that time, we had reached the mouth of our apartment, Jean-Robert lived only a few blocks away; he told me.
“Well, I guess this is a good bye.” I said, suddenly melancholy.
“No, not good-bye, but a ‘see you soon.” He laughed. I smiled, "Alright, see you soon then,” I told him, then I looked over to Genevieve and say that, Monsieur Le Blanc, looked at Genevieve fondly, I rushed up to them and said:
“Thank-you, good-night.” I pulled Genevieve along with me.”
“Oh, good-night.” She said quickly to her lover,
“Good-night,” he said, sounding discouraged. I creased my forehead and shouted. “Good-night Jean-Robert!”
“Good-night, Mademoiselle Picard!”
“That was rude!” Genevieve scolded me as we went up the steps.
“You clung onto him!”
“It’s proper to take a gentleman’s arm when it is offered to you.”
I crinkled my nose, she copied. Silence filled the halls and we both broke down and hugged each other, saying we were sorry and foolish little birds. I could not bear lososing my sister. Our family had already lost a big part of us, we couldn't bear to be without each other.
“I just, don’t want anything to change. I want everything to stay the same, so we can be as we are right now forever. To never grow old, marry, and lose each other, I could not imagine my life without you.” I confessed to her as we made our way up to the door of our apartment.
“I will always be here for you, no matter what comes about.” She assured me. I smiled at her, she smiled back and we opened the door to our cozy apartment.
Last edited by ballerina13 on Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:59 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hello! Once again, I like the way this story is going. The plot is interesting.

Here are my critiques:
“HOW goes it, Marie!”

The exclamation point should be a question mark since Genevieve is asking a question.

Then, she soon left to go practice dance so I was able to let my characters wander and roam the room, escaping the wall that was between me and the real world.

Take out "then", it will help the flow. Also, I would suggest taking out either wander or roam to shorten the sentence. Using the two words so close together gets rather redundant.

But, I had no ideas in my head; once again, writers block struck me and stopped my chances being a great and extraordinary, writer.

Take out the commas after but, again, and extraordinary. Again, using great and extraordinary in the same sentence gets redundant.

That dream, sometimes, felt as far away as the stars.

No commas are needed in this sentence.

I scribbled in my diary, writing about the cold and of my modeling for Monsieur Degas.

I think you can take out "of my" here. It would help the flow of the sentence.

“Marie! Marie, come down!” Genevieve called from the hall way.

Wait, didn't Genevieve just leave for dance practice? Now she's back? I'm confused. You need to clear this up a bit.

“I am coming, one moment.”

This should be two sentences, I believe. Or maybe a semicolon instead of a comma? I'm not sure. I think it's safest if you just make it two sentences.

“Mademoiselle Cassatt has invited us to a, ‘small ball’ for Christmas, tonight!

No need for the commas.

"But, what should we wear, our poplin dresses will not due."

This should be "But what should we wear? Our poplin dresses will not do." You used due instead of do.

We went back to our room, opening our hope chest and thumbing through the lace, chemises, and ribbons I pulled out a light, yellow, silk dress, Genevieve her green one.

What is a hope chest? Also, this sentence has some punctuation errors. Try "We went back to our room, opening our (hope?) chest and thumbing through the lace, chemises, and ribbons. I pulled out a light yellow silk dress; Genevieve picked a green one."

“I have the most wonderful feeling about tonight! Imagine: dancing to your heart’s content with your sweetheart”, at this she was mentioning her sweet heart, Monsieur Le Blanc.

This should be a new paragraph. Also, this was probably a typo but the comma after "sweetheart" should be inside the quotation marks. Actually, that comma should be a period and "at" should therefore be uppercase. The second "sweetheart" should be one word.

I cut in, “That would all be fine as May, if you have a sweet heart.” I said, putting a clip into my hair.

Take out "I cut in" and make this a new paragraph. Also, you switch tenses here. Try "That is all fine as May, if you have a sweetheart."

“You will have one soon enough, it surprises me that you don’t, with all your charms, thoughts and your beauty!”

Replace the comma after enough with a period.

“Yes, they are on the bed.”I assured her.

The period after "bed" should be a comma. You need a space between the quotation marks and "I"

There was a shuffle as we hurried to get on our, stockings, gloves, coats and, scarves.

Take out the comma after "our". Also, the comma after "and" should come after "coats".

The whole process of getting ready took a whole hour-and-thirty-minute.

I don't think you need hyphens between "hour-and-thirty-minute". Also, minute should be plural.

I was in a tangle as I tried to get my stocking’s on; I ended up losing my balance and falling over onto the cold wood floor.

"stocking's" Should just be stockings. You should replace the semicolon with a period.

(Momma had already laced up Genevieve’s’ for her.)

In general you should do your best to stay away from parentheses. Save them for math class. You have an apostrophe problem with "Genevieve's'". This should be Genevieve's.

I'm so sorry but I have to go now. I promise I'll finish this review later! Again, good job with this.
-Winter
Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.

The Winter's Tale




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Alright, on with the review!

Excitement filled the air as us Picard women put on petticoats and refreshed our curtsies.

I think you should say "we Picard women" instead of "us Picard women".

When all of a sudden, everything went black and when I awoke, my family and friends were hovering over me.

Take out when, it will help the flow. And take out both commas.

Mother and Father had rushed to my side and the eldest of the Ashley children said,” She just fainted dead away.” Momma replied as she helped me to my feet,” Yes, corsets generally produce such an outcome.”

The format of this is a bit odd. Try
"Mother and Father rushed to my side.
'She just fainted dead away,' said the eldest of the Ashley children.
'Yes, corsets generally produce such an outcome," Mother replied as she helped me to my feet.

I thought of that night, as my corset was being laced.

Take out the comma.

I looked at the mirror and saw the same reflection: brown mid-length hair, brown, sparkling eyes, long eye lashes, (I had gotten them from my daddy) rosy cheeks and fine lips, all set on a long oval face.

This is quite a choppy sentence. Try something along the lines of this: "I looked in the mirror and saw the usual reflection: brown, mid-length hair, sparkling brown eyes, rosy cheeks, fine lips, and long eyelashes. All set on a long oval face. My eyelashes resembled my father's. Again, try to avoid parentheses.

There were a few pimples on my face, if which I desperately tried to get rid of.

This sounds a bit odd to me. Try "There were a few pimples on my face which I tried desperately to get rid of."

“Sorry, is that too tight?” Genevieve asked, loosening it; I closed my eyes, breathing in the little amount of air my lungs would allow at that moment!

This should be a new paragraph. Replace the semicolon with a period. You should also try to avoid exclamation points outside of dialogue.

“That is good, thank-you.” I told her when she had synched me in.

This should also be a new paragraph. You don't need to put a hyphen between thank you. Also, the period after you should be a comma.

“Hello, dears!” She said cheerfully and kindly, when she opened the door to us, “How is your mother? Alright, I hope?”

This should be a new paragraph. I would suggest taking out either cheerfully or kindly so that the sentence will flow better. You also don't need a comma after kindly. Replace the last comma with a period.

“She is good with health and is jolly. Thank-you, for having us. We greatly appreciate it.”

Again this should be a new paragraph. Every time a new person speaks you should have a new paragraph.

“Oh, you are quite welcome dears.”She replied with a smile.

The first period should be replaced with a comma and "she" should be lowercase. You are also missing a space between the last quotation mark and "she".

She led us into the parlor, “Well, I will check up on you in a while. Enjoy yourselves.”

Replace the comma after "parlor" with a period.

My mother, of who were friends with many people, knew Mademoiselle Cassatt, we had once been a family of grand luxury; those were the old days, they were gone, perhaps forever.

This is a run-on sentence. Try something like: "My mother was friends with many people, including Mademoiselle Cassat. We were once a family of great luxury. Those were the old days. They were gone, perhaps forever."

She was friends with many artists. Such as Edgar Degas and May Alcott.

Replace the first period with a comma and make this all one sentence.

Monsieur le Blanc was already there and soon swept Genevieve off her feet with his kind eyes, gentle voice and, handsome features.

Take out the comma after "and" and put it after "voice".

I was left to wander, dance through the crowds, stare off into space and, ponder.

Take out the comma after "and" and put it after "space".

I was swaying to the music of a waltz that had just begun to play, “Port Royal Gallop”- Claudio Grafulla. (1810-1880).

This isn't a nonfiction piece, so there is no need to tell us the birth and death dates of Claudio Grafulla. Try: "I was swaying to the music of a waltz that had just begun to play called Port Royal Gallop. I believe it was composed by Claudio Grafulla."

Mademoiselle Cassatt was American, like us Picard’s I watched the elegant faces on the lovely ladies as they spun with their handsome partners; there gazes at each other said it all.

This is an odd sentence. Try "Mademoiselle Cassat was American, like we Picards (no need for an apostrophe). I watched the elegant faces on the lovely ladies as they spun with their handsome partners. Their gazes said it all."

Then, I saw him.

No need for a comma.

He was a family friend that we had made in Strasberg.

I think this would sound better is you said "He was a family friend whom we had met..." Also, do you mean Strasbourg, France? I believe that it is spelled Strasbourg, not Strasberg.

Jean-Robert and his family stayed in Strasberg for a while, and then they followed our path to Paris, France.

Again, Strasbourg. Also, take out the comma after "while". I don't think you need to say "Paris, France." I believe we all know where Paris is. :D

He reached me, took my hand and whispered, “I have missed you.” I replied with a smile on my face, “As have I.”

This dialogue needs to be separated. Try
"When he finally reached me, he took my hand.
'I have missed you,' he whispered.
'As have I,' I replied with a smile."

We sat in a coat room, amongst furs, shawls, scarves and, top hats.

You've a few misplaced commas. This should be "We sat in a coat room amongst furs, shawls, scarves, and top hats."

Where our secrets, dreams and worries were kept and hidden, never to be revealed to the outside.

"Where" should be "Here". There should be a comma after dreams.

“If I wasn’t going to be a dancer, I would go back to America and be one of the greatest writers of all time”, I told him boldly, “Are you shocked?”

Take out the comma after the quotation mark and move it after "time". Also, the comma after "boldly" should be a period.

He smiled; I turned my head to him and smiled back, like a fool!

The semicolon should be a period. Also, take out the comma after "back" and change the exclamation point to a period. Exclamation points should rarely be used outside of dialogue.

“You know, it must be grand to be in America, I miss it terribly, I dream about it sometimes,” I confessed to him, a tone full of sadness,” I mean, things that are dreams here are real in America! The land of opportunity!”

This should be: "You know, it must be grand to be in America. I miss it terribly. I dream about it sometimes," I confessed to him, my tone full of sadness. "I mean, things that are dreams here are real in America, the land of opportunity!" I love this part!

“Yes, I suppose. Jean-Robert said, bashfully.”

The period should be a comma. The comma after "said" should be deleted.

The parlor was filled with young faces, smiling and looking at each other, we were lined up, girls on one side, boys on the other.

This should be two sentences. Replace the comma after "other" with a period.

Jean-Robert was looking at me as he did that; the girls curtsied.

Replace the semicolon with a period. Also, I would suggest saying "...as he did so" instead of "...as he did that". I think it sounds better. :D But good imagery. I can imagine the whole thing!

Finally ending in, walking down the line.

This sounds awkward. Try "Finally, we walked down the line."

“That was so fun!” I commented. “I should probably go find Genevieve.” I said.

This should be a new paragraph. Also, take out "I said", it will help the flow.

We had found Genevieve with Monsieur Le Blanc, sitting on a bench, talking.

Take out "had" and the comma after "bench".

“What do we have here?” Jean-Robert joked to his tutor.

Should be a new paragraph.

Le Blanc alleged, “Please allow me to escort you and young Marie home.”

Alleged is not the right word here. This should be a new paragraph. Try "Please allow me to escort you and young Marie home," Le Blanc said.

Jean-Robert and me, a few paces behind.

Take out the comma.

Then walked on, Monsieur Le Blanc was hypnotized; he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her!

"Then" should be "they". Also, no exclamation points out of dialogue! :D

Jean-Robert stopped and seized my hands into his, my stomach turned with butterflies; I gave him a puzzled look.

The punctuation here is off. Also, replace "into" with "in". Try "Jean-Robert stopped and seized my hands in his. My stomach turned with butterflies as I gave him a puzzled look."

“Marie, I want to rewind, go back to the time of Strasberg, to when we were friends and played all the time, I want to be friends again. I have missed you.”

This sentence is too long. Also, they didn't have anything that could rewind in the nineteenth century, so rewind is not the right word. Try "Marie, I want to go back in time to Strasbourg, to when we were friends and played all the time. I want to be friends again. I have missed you."

“As have I and, I would be pleased to be friends again.”

Take out the comma. The period at the end should be a comma.

I told him, even though I knew something had changed between us, even though I didn’t dare say what I thought it was.

You say "even though" twice here. Try "I told him. Even though I knew something had changed between us, I didn't dare say what I thought it was."

By that time, we had reached the mouth of our apartment, Jean-Robert lived only a few blocks away; he told me.

Take out the comma after "time" and replace the comma after apartment with a period.

“Well, I guess this is a good bye.” I said, suddenly melancholy.

Perhaps take out "a"? And the period after "bye" should be a comma. Goodbye is one word, by the way.

I smiled, "Alright, see you soon then,” I told him, then I looked over to Genevieve and say that, Monsieur Le Blanc, looked at Genevieve fondly, I rushed up to them and said:

The format is off here. It should be a new paragraph. Try:
"Alright, see you soon then," I told him, smiling. Then I looked over to Genevieve. Monsieur Le Blanc was looking at her fondly. I rushed over to them."

“Thank-you, good-night.” I pulled Genevieve along with me.”

Thank you and good night do not need hyphens. The comma between "Thank you" and "good night" should be a period. Also, take out the quotation mark after "me".

“Oh, good-night.” She said quickly to her lover,

Good night does not need a hyphen. The period after "night" should be a comma. The comma after "lover" should be a period.

I just, don’t want anything to change. I want everything to stay the same, so we can be as we are right now forever. To never grow old, marry, and lose each other, I could not imagine my life without you.” I confessed to her as we made our way up to the door of our apartment.

Take out the comma after "just". Replace the comma after "other" with a period. Replace the period after "you" with a comma.

Like I said, this is interesting. The plot is well thought out, except for one minor detail. What happened to her modeling for Mr. Degas? That was basically the whole focus of the first chapter! You might want to mention that a bit or something.

You're grammar wasn't too bad, but you had some major problems with punctuation. Commas in particular. Check out this page for help with commas: viewarticlebody.php?t=19162

I hope this review was helpful! PM me if you have any questions.
-Winter
Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.

The Winter's Tale




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Hey! I was really excited to read your new chapter.
I scribbled in my diary, writing about the cold and of my modeling for Monsieur Degas.

"I scribbled in my diary," it makes it sound as though she were drawing in her diary.

“I just, don’t want anything to change. I want everything to stay the same, so we can be as we are right now forever. To never grow old, marry, and lose each other, I could not imagine my life without you.” I confessed to her as we made our way up to the door of our apartment.


I just wanted to point out that everything in your story should have a purpose, and I see no purpose to this right now, so make sure you add in something do do with this quote in later chapters.

It was a great chapter, but lacks detail, work on that and you will have a masterpeice in your hands!

~love, li-li
LONG LIVE LOVE




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Heyy Ballerina!
I think Winter's Twelfth Night covered all the nitpicks, but be sure to edit those. Being the grammar Nazi that I am, I think mechanics can make or break a story. Kay, so I'll cover the concept part of the reviews :D
~Development of characters - I loved how you developed Genevieve more in this chapter, yet I think you should talk a lot more about her characteristics : physical and otherwise. And, I think you should elaborate more on all the characters, except the MC (she was developed really well, and has a strong voice)
~Descriptions - Again, I would describe everything a lot more. Right now, it feels like you're telling me all this. Show me what's going on. For example, don't say :
Excitement filled the air as we Picard women put on petticoats and refreshed our curtsies.
Instead, describe what they are doing and create a mood of excitement
~Flow - I feel like there is so much that you want to say and you're trying to cram it all in. This makes the chapters short and full of information. The pace is a little too fast and there isn't enough detail. I would suggest separating this into 2 chapters as well. First, talk about her writing in her diary (elaborate on what she is writing) and the invitation. Then, talk about going to the ball and her meeting Jean-Robert
~Theme - I feel like this is a great idea and it could turn out to be an excellent book. It should DEFINITELY be continued.
~Setting - Excellent job with keeping the mood in the 1800s. Everything sounds old-fashioned and that just adds to the charm of the entire story.

In general, I feel like the pace is too rushed and this chapter should be made into 2 chapters, and details should be added. The ending was excellent and there aren't any major problems in the beginning. The middle, however, is waaaaaay too rushed and it feels like you're just trying to get all your thoughts out on paper. Draw it out a little and add more descriptions/details.

'Kay I know this review was a bit harsh, but I think you're doing a great job on this story! Good job and gold star for you! PM me if you want to talk about it, or if you add any new chapters!

fluteluvr77<3
Love is the answer to life yet the slowest form of suicide.
Love is a paradox.
And that's why we love it.

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Hi!

This wasn't nearly as good as your first chapter. This was rushed. You never slowed down to take a breath and properly describe things!

Run this through a spell-checker and check up on your punctuation. Like here:

She changed the subject, “Do you know where your gloves are?”


The bolded comma should be a full stop.

Your paragraphs in dialogue are messed up. Sometimes it's hard to tell who's talking. If someone's spreaking, have all their dialogue on the paragraph. When someone else starts talking, start a new one. Like here:

“Good-night,” he said, sounding discouraged. I creased my forehead and shouted. “Good-night Jean-Robert!”


it should be:

“Good-night,” he said, sounding discouraged.

I creased my forehead and shouted. “Good-night Jean-Robert!”


---

Did you research this time period and poor/middle-class families in Paris then? Because while it seems like they're poor, how do they manage to rustle up silks and fancy dresses for a ball? Why are they invited to a ball, anyway? Like in Little Women -- the girls agonise over how they practically never go to posh parties or have fancy clothes to wear.

Not as convincing as your first chapter. Spellcheck, punctuation, proofread and do more research. Sorry if this seems harsh, but it's to help! :)

EDIT: Wait, what? They're supposed to be Americans? Why've they got French names, then?
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir



A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon