A Stupid Love Song

Oh the irony, I wrote this after I got over the guy I liked. Weird. Anyway, if anyone's familiar with Lemon Demon, it's in that sort of style, goofy and cheery.

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And this is just another stupid love song,
I didn’t want to waste your time.
It’s not very good or even that long,
And it’s got some pretty crappy rhymes.

I didn’t want to cause a big commotion,
I wasn’t sure how to get the message through.
I just wanted to make the notion,
That I just might be in love with you.

This probably isn’t something you wanna hear,
It’s not really something I wanna say.
But it’s been bugging me since last year,
And I’m not too fond of clichés.

So I figured I can keep a poem afloat,
And music’s pretty cool.
So I wrote a few lines and notes,
While I was really bored in school.

I didn’t want to cause a big commotion,
I wasn’t sure how to get the message through.
I just wanted to make the notion,
That I just might be in love with you.

Hiya, Delphinater! I have to say I enjoyed the song! I thought it was quirky, funny, and cute.

A couple nit-picks:

1. Where's the punctuation after each line? It was driving me crazy, to be honest. Haha.

2.

And music’s pretty cool
So [s]a[/s]I wrote a few lines and notes

<<< Just fixing a little typo.

Overall, I really liked the song! What an odd time to write it, indeed.

Gold star for you, missy! Hehe.

Bye now!
-Music.

I really liked this, I have to say.

I mean, it was simple but it is one of those songs that reminds you of the good `ol bubble gum sweet days.

It has it's own little voice that, though it's small, it speaks millions of truths.

Ello!

Right, first, you should cut out that little note at the beginning. Have confidence in your own work! That, and telling people you wrote this in ten minutes will probably discourage them from reading.

I think you should change the 'and' at the very beginning, it seems odd to start something with 'and.'

'I just want to make the notion, that I just might be in love with you,' - that's so cute! I love those lines.

The only issue is 'just.' Is that intentionally repeated, or not? I didn't notice it the first time, so it does blend in, but if you like being a perfectionist you may want to change it.

Overall I really like this. There's too many songs and poems about school crushes, but this one has a unique charm. Well done.

Thorns-and-Roses wrote:I really liked this, I have to say.

I mean, it was simple but it is one of those songs that reminds you of the good `ol bubble gum sweet days.

It has it's own little voice that, though it's small, it speaks millions of truths.

I couldn't agree more with "Thorns-and-Roses" it's so sweet! I loved this one. Really I did.

But also, don't critisize yourself. That's for us to do, and you should be proud of your work! Cause this is awesome

Love, Liz =)

Wow, I really enjoyed this. The only nit-picks I have is the punctuation in you third verse.

This probably isn’t something you wanna hear,
It’s not really something I wanna say.
But it’s been bugging me since last year,
And I’m not too fond of clichés.

Nice job overall, because it drew me in from the start. I could really picture the possibilities of the music for these lyrics as I was reading it through. It has a nice flow to it, and almost seems like rock ballad. Nicely done!

Another gold star for you!

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I fixed the punctuation and stuff, and I kept part of the note at the beginning to give people a sort of feel for what the song should sound like. Anyway, glad you all seemed to like it!

Emily! 'Ello! I shall critic-ify this!

thedelphinater wrote:And this is just another stupid love song,
I didn’t want to waste your time.
It’s not very good or even that long,
And it’s got some pretty crappy rhymes. So sorry, but yes, these are pretty crappy rhymes. xD

I didn’t want to cause a big commotion,
I wasn’t sure how to get the message through.
I just wanted to make the notion, Make the notion? Odd word choice here, but I dunno how to fix it.
That I just might be in love with you.

This probably isn’t something you wanna hear,
It’s not really something I wanna say. Please refrain from "wanna". It sounds really immature in writing.
But it’s been bugging me since last year,
And I’m not too fond of clichés.

So I figured I can keep a poem afloat,
And music’s pretty cool.
So I wrote a few lines and notes,
While I was really bored in school.

I didn’t want to cause a big commotion,
I wasn’t sure how to get the message through.
I just wanted to make the notion,
That I just might be in love with you. Oh em gee!!! Emily managed to make repetition work! Not an easy feat to pull off, so I commend you.

Okay, rhythm's good, message good (but yes, cliche, I'm sorry). The only thing is, you talk a lot about you you you and it's all like "Oh, I was bored.... By the way, I love you! Just wanted to let you know."

But! Me likes it. I shall give you a gold star, provided that you fix your mistakes.

Bleh! I'm too lazy to fix my mistakes. Besides, it's meant to be immature, stupid, sappy, goofy, cheery, whatever-y. Like, our writing styles are different I guess. I mean, to use an analogy, Shakespeare is all proper and poetic and, well, Shakespeare. Mark Twain is a bit more local color and southern y'all (boo, that was in bad taste ). Your a bit more Shakespearean-follow-the-rules kinda writer, I'm a bit more take-pride-in-your-New-York-accent writer, if that makes sense.