I

I

I stand here living.
I stand here dying.

I am walking.
Where am I going?

I am human.
Right?
Does being human
also make me an animal?

I am tall.
I am short.
I am everything.
I am nothing.

This is me,
this is my illusion.

Do I scare you?
I scare myself.

I believe.
I am a skeptic.
I think.
There is nothing on my mind.

One step forward.
Two steps back.

I am old.
I am young.
I dance.
I am still.

I care,
but…I don’t.
I fly,
I crash.

I am up.
I am down.
I am here.
Now I’m not.

Everything is fine.

Nothing
works.

I am me.
You are you.

Do you understand?
I don’t.

RoryLegend wrote:I

I stand here living.
I stand here dying.

I am walking.
Where am I going?

I am human.
[s]Right?[/s] The proper verse would be: "I am human, right?" but it still doesn't work.
Does being human
also make me an animal? Why are you going into theory of evolution? Humans and animals only have the same ancestor(18 million years ago), but they are different now.

I am tall;
I am short.
I am everything;
I am nothing.

This is me,
[s]this is [/s]my illusion.
[s]
Do I scare you?[/s]
[s]I scare myself.[/s]

I believe.
I am a skeptic.
I think.
There is nothing on my mind. Make up your mind...can't be both. It's really confusing. But I think I know what you're trying to say.

One step forward.
Two steps back.

I am old.
I am young.
I dance.
I am still.

I care,
[s]but…[/s]I don’t.
I fly,
I crash.

I am up.
I am down.
I am here.
[s]Now [/s]I’m not.
[s]
Everything is fine.

Nothing
works.[/s] Now you skipped into talking about others and other stuff, not about yourself.

I am me.
You are you.

Do you understand?
I don’t. [s]Me neither.[/s]

To tell the truth and nothing but a truth: I didn't like this for its:
1.concept-little sloppy
2.rhythm-needs much improvement
3.idea- talking about yourself...but it turned out a little bit egoistic
4.structure-the number of the verses in stanzas is oscillating too much
5.point-what's the point anyway?

Hey there Rory! Do you mind if I call you that?
I read your poem. Then I read darko.denmark's review. I agree with him on some points.
So, I'll just show you my thoughts, okay?

I

I stand here living.
I stand here dying. [I really liked this start]

I am walking.
Where am I going? [Nice. You have a doubt here, that's good]

I am human. [I would consider turning to this to a comma, so that these lines are linked]
Right? [Again, I like this part]
Does being human
also make me an animal? [Urgh... this sounds awkward]

I am tall. [try to change this to a comma]
I am short.
I am everything. [comma]
I am nothing.

This is me,
this is my illusion. [I agree with darko, it sounds better without the "this is"]

Do I scare you?
I scare myself. [Nice, but changes the concept]

I believe. [comma]
I am a skeptic.
I think.
There is nothing on my mind. [Decided yourself]

One step forward.
Two steps back.

I am old. [comma]
I am young.
I dance. [comma]
I am still.

I care,
but…I don’t. [this sounds awkward. But sounds a little bit better without the "but", but stills sounds awkward]
I fly, [See? Here you did put a comma]
I crash.

I am up. [comma]
I am down.
I am here.
Now I’m not. [the now ruins it]

Everything is fine.

Nothing [How can everything be fine if nothing works? And again, you changed the subject]
works.

I am me.
You are you.

Do you understand?
I don’t. [Nice ending]

So, those are my thoughts. You may use them, you may not
Anyway, if you need ahything just PM me!

*Kat*

Thank you both for your comments.

The whole comma thing, I wanted it to sound broken. Each part was a different idea.

1.concept-little sloppy
2.rhythm-needs much improvement
3.idea- talking about yourself...but it turned out a little bit egoistic
4.structure-the number of the verses in stanzas is oscillating too much
5.point-what's the point anyway?

1. my concept is about doubting yourself and finding yourself in different ways, it isn't supposed to make complete sense
2. I meant for it to be choppy
3. I'm sorry if it sounded egotistic to you. I wasn't actually talking about myself. But I can see where you may have gotten that.
4. I made the stucture that way specifically
5. The point of the poem is that we are all people drifting and we don't know who we are or why we are here and we doubt ourselves, we're messy, we lie...and I could go on

I appreciate both of your critiques and will take them into consideration when I edit.

RoryLegend wrote:Thank you both for your comments.

Thank you for posting.

RoryLegend wrote:3. I'm sorry if it sounded egotistic to you. I wasn't actually talking about myself. But I can see where you may have gotten that...

Actually it didn't sound SO MUCH egoistic, but just a little bit and that's probably because I didn't put my effort in reviewing (and understanding) this piece.

alright thanks.

By the way if I sounded like rude or unappreciative of your review when I listed those five points I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be defensive or anything I just wanted to see if maybe that helped you understand it more and if not maybe I could work on it better.

Thanks again.

Hello!

So, the broken up stanzas make sense but at the same time they don't.

One step forward.
Two steps back.

This line, you don't tie it into anything. Yes, I know, the stanza's aren't supposed to tie into anything. But, since you repeat "I" everywhere else, this stanza without "I" makes no sense.

Everything is fine.

Nothing
works.

These two stanzas cancel each other out, and you've also stopped the "I" pattern here again.

I found this to be a very powerful, if a bit jumbled, poem. It works quiet nicely. Just keep the "I" thing going more often so things have some sense of flow and you're good!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey