All You Can Be

Not laugh out loud histerical, but slightly humorous maybe? I don't know. Let me know.

All You Can Be

Solid stares through unseeing eyes,
leaves a feeling
like the world lacks surprise.

World conquest seems no friend,
when all you'd have is the world
in the end.

Constricting views
make it difficult to see
what is really happening.

Bought a cigarette,
but you don't smoke.
Had a dollar,
but now you're broke.

You wish you may,
you wish you might,
see a star.
But the city lights are too bright.

Miracles happen,
just not to you.
You feel so misshapen
from all the things you do.

You try to get up,
but the world slams you back down.

Quite looking for miracles, quite trying to see.
And don't try to be all you can be.

Hi! So here's my review!

First off, I don't really see how it's funny, but I think I might just be a bit dense, so we'll let that slide, shall we? I don't like the first three stanza's that much as they dont really have much of a flow to them at all. They dont particularly fit in with the rest of the poem either.

RoryLegend wrote:Bought a cigarette,
but you don't smoke.
Had a dollar,
but now you're broke.

Okay just make sure that you use the right word, so we know what you're on about. I think you could also re-word either the second or the first line in this stanza, just to make it flow better. Not sure how though...

RoryLegend wrote:You wish you may,
you wish my might,*
see a star
but the city lights are too bright.

* I don't like this line - what does it mean? Do you mean "You wish you might"? If you do, I don't like this rhyme as it's too forced. Remember, just because it's a poem, you don't have to rhyme! The last line also seems pretty jam packed with words.

RoryLegend wrote:You feel so misshapen
because of all the things you do.

I think you should cut the 'because' out, although I don't think this would be very grammatically correct, really would it? But still... It needs re-working.

RoryLegend wrote:You try to get up,
but the world slams [s]you[/s] back down.
Quite looking for miracles, quite trying to see.*
And don't try to be all you can be.

* I don't even understand what this line means at all - I don't know if I'm being dense or not /: I think it's your use of the word 'quite'. Was this supposed to be something else? Re-read your work before you post it, to make sure you've used the right words, got the right spelling, etc.

Overall, this is pretty good but the meaning was kind of lost on me.

Keep writing!

Hi Rawry! June here again =D

I like this poem a lot more than your other one, dear! It's fresh and new, and original, and fun to read, and-- anyway! Let's see:

but know you're broke.

Hm, I believe that should be "now"?

you wish my might,

Confusing line much! I'm not sure if that's supposed to be "your"?

*-*-

Indeed, this has a slight humor touch to it! I really enjoy the in-line rhyme you use here. Instead of approaching this as a lot of other poems I read, I could see this in a different perspective since your rhyme was not entirely obvious.

Some lines here came off as confusing, dear, and I'm not so sure if that was the intent behind it or just lack of clear language? It's nothing major to worry about-- reading this poem aloud can remedy all of the errors.

Keep it up, though! 'Twas definitely enjoyable!

June

My bad, I was about half alseep when I typed this last night, but the thing is it was on my mind to actually post it because I had been meaning to so I did and apparently I did not edit very well.

I shall do that now.

And yeah, it was not supposed to be you know laugh out loud histerical, I guess I just have a drier, stanger sense of humor.

Thanks for the reviews guys, I shall take them both into consideration!

-Rory