A Night Haunting

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I know this is uber short, but it only ever came about because I had to look at a picture and write a story/description about it. (This was a couple years ago, by the way) See, my friend in college needed a teen to help with her project, and this story was what came out of it (she's studying to become a teacher, in case you're wondering). But I don't know how good it is or anything, so I'd like some feedback if anyone's willing. Thanks.

Oh, and here's the picture that started it all(slightly creepy, no?).
Image
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The Lady Elsereth had retired to her quarters after a tiring day in the court of King Johnlin. He was her husband and was as handsome as she was fair with his shoulder-length chocolate brown hair and laughing almond eyes. Lady Elsereth, on the other hand, had long locks of golden silk hair that sparkled like a thousand suns when light shown upon it. Her eyes were morning mist blue but flashed like chips of ice when she was angry.

She had fallen into an uneasy sleep when she drifted off and now was having nightmares. She thrashed about wildly, covers ensnaring he like vines on a tree, and cried out once or twice before she lay still. She raised a hand as if to ward off invisible attackers and once again cried out, "Leave me! You cannot touch me here!"

Then, suddenly, melting out of the shadows, came a livid looking Gnar, the Bringer of Death. Following him came the Mayre, the Bringer of Darkness and dreams. The Bringer of Death crouched, like an unseemly child, then sprang up on the bed and onto the Lady Elsereth. The Mayre stayed woven in the shadows, misty white eyes glinting eerily in the light of the lamp Elsereth had forgotten to put out. They stayed like that for some time, frozen in the moment of a dream, a nightmare. Just as the Bringer of Death reached out a clawed hand to touch the Lady, footsteps rang in the corridor outside. They belonged to Ranth, the Captain of the Palace Guard who, tonight, watched the Lady's door, and had heard her cry out.

The Gnar let his arm drop and said in a deep, gravely hiss, "Time to go. We can do better than the likes of her." And so they went, just as silently, melting into the shadows as if they had never been.

Barely a moment later, Ranth opened the door and pushed aside the red velvet curtain saying, "My Lady? Are you all right?"

Elsereth sat up slowly, opening her misty eyes, and answered, "Yes. I am fine. You have no cause to worry. Go back and do your watch, Captain." He hesitated, then turned on his heel and went out of the room. The Lady Elsereth laid awake for a little while longer before falling back into the realms of sleep. After that night, no nightmares like the one that had been brought to her ever troubled her again.

The next morning, though, her handmaiden was found dead in her quarters. No one knew who had killed her; inch deep claw marks were imbedded into her milk-white neck and no human had ever been seen with claws such as those…[/list]
"What you learn for yourself, you will know forever."
- Eugenides, A Conspiracy of Kings




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Welcome to YWS, Soul! I am the friendly neighbor Clo. 8)

First of all: That picture is horrifying, haha.

She thrashed about wildly, covers ensnaring he like vines on a tree

Small typo.

Wow! I liked this a lot. I don't have much complaints. Let's see what I can say here...

Characters
This is very short, and the concept is more important the characters due to the length, but the Lady is a little unknown to the reader. The descriptions are kind of extravagant at the beginning of the story - perhaps tone those down a little bit and perhaps describe personality more than appearance. I'd like a little more description of the little beasties too, mainly because they were startling and I'd like more on them. :)

Concept
I loved it! How eerie. One thing I was wondering though was why they did not thing the Lady was good enough for what they wanted to do, but they thought the handmaid was. One would think the Lady would be more satisfying to kill then a lowly handmaid.

This was short, spooky, and I liked it a lot. I hope to see more from you!

PM me if you have any questions.

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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This is really good for something you thought up on the spot. I would like to see you write another longer version of this. That would be really cool, and it would really show readers what you can do.
well behaved women rarley make history.



When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides