~Addicting Poison - chapter 4~

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Chapter four

While I waited for Odette to come home, I busied my self by alternating between reading my book and cleaning my room. My room was decorated with dark colors such as purple and black. I was lying on my bed; reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I found it interesting on how she portrayed vampires. I found it quite hilarious that she made vampire sparkle when in reality, we didn’t. An abrupt knock came to the door.

“Come in,” I said as I put the book down. The door opened to reveal Odette, the mother figure of our family. She was a petite blonde woman, dressed in a nurse’s scrubs.

“Adelicia said that you want to see me, cherie,” she said as she fully stepped into the room.

“Have you seen Landon yet?” I asked as I stood up. I walked over to her and reached behind, closing the door.

“Non, cherie,” she said in her French deep throated accent. After I was changed, Landon and I took a tour of the world. We came across Odette in an alleyway when we were in France during Landon and mine tour of the world. It appeared that Odette’s husband didn’t care where he had put her body after he found out she was dying from childbirth. We had found her mere moments after the dump of her body. Landon managed to save her just in time.

“We are going to have a guest in a couple of weeks,” I said as I looked at my nails.

“A guest, but who?” she asked

“Someone sent by council,” I replied as I went to my desk chair. I sat down in it and looked at her.

“Ummm…” she said as she leaned against the door. She knew that the council was pressuring me into things.

“What do they want you to do?” she asked.

“Take the guy they are sending over here as my mate,” I answered. Her eyes widened in surprise at the statement.

“Even if you don’t love him?” she asked.

“Yes even if I don’t love him,” I echoed. She sighed.

“Have you told the others?” she asked.

“No, I thought you deserved to know before they did,” I said as I stood up.

“I appreciated you telling me before them. Come on, I’ll let you help me make dinner tonight,” Odette said as she wrapped an arm around me. Together we left the room and went downstairs to make dinner. We walked into the kitchen and pulled some raw meat form the icebox. I took some of the blood wine that we had and poured it over the meat to soak for a while.

“So, other than that, have you had a good day?” Odette asked as she leaned against the counter, head tilted to the side.

“Yeah, I suppose. I mean I just found out that the council wants to interfere with my life, so I think that qualify as a good day,” I said in a nasty tone.

“I was just asking Elizabeth, so please don’t take that tone with me,” Odette said.

“I know. I am sorry,” I said then I blurted out, “What did you feel when you first looked at Landon like a mate?” She raised an eyebrow, and I blushed with embarrassment for asking a personal question. I wanted to know what emotion she felt when she first saw Landon and compare to the one I felt when I first saw Adam. I knew that there was lust, but there was something else too.

“When I first looked upon Landon after my rebirth, I saw a dark angel who had rescued me from the cold sleep,” Odette said. Landon walked into the conversation from the shadows. I squeaked when he appear, never getting use to him popping out anywhere.

“And when I saw Odette, I knew I had found my mate,” Landon said as he kissed Odette on the mouth. I looked at them, seeing the obvious love radiated off them.

“How long have you been there?” I asked him, leaning a hip against the counter.

“Long enough,” he said as he raised his head and looked at me. “Have you told her about the council?”

“I have and I plan to tell everyone else at dinner,” I said. I got the grilling pan and sat it on the stove. I turned on the stove and waited for the pan to heat. A moment later, I put the meat on the pan and seared it. Odette and Landon finally parted.

“Help Elizabeth make dinner. We can continue tonight,” Landon said as he kissed her once more and then let her go. He walked out of the kitchen. Odette busied around the kitchen as I seared the meat. After a couple of minutes, I pulled the red meat off and let it rest.

“Should we fix anything with the lamb?” she asked

“Nah. I think the animal protein will be just fine on its own,” I said as I began to cutting up the meat. Odette got out the plates and I began to plate it. Odette sent a message to the others that dinner was ready via mind. We took the plates out to the table and set the table. I quickly walked back into the kitchen and grabbed the blood wine.

Everyone began to file into the dining room. Everyone sat down at the long table.

I nudged Adelicia. “Look. There’s your Ashton,” I whispered to Adelicia. She elbowed me hard. “Ow!” I muttered as I rubbed the spot. Adelicia harrumphed as he mate walked in.

“Where have you been, Ashton?” I asked the new comer as he sat down. Ashton had short black hair and dark eyes. He was dressed in a white t-shirt that stretched across his broad chest and a pair of black slacks. Ashton was my other adopted brother and yes; he was in a relationship with my other, adopted sister Adelicia. Everyone had a mate, except me.

“Practice room,” he said.

“Oh,” I said. He and I were on the fencing team at school, so we often have extra practice here as well as school practice. We all dug into our dinner. After a couple of minute of eating, Landon got everyone attention.

“I am sorry, but I believe Elizabeth has something to tell us,” He said. Everyone turned their on me. I sighed.

“In a couple of weeks, we are going to have a guest in the house,” I said. I took a drink.

“What type of guest?” Claiborne asked.

“One that is being sent by the council,” I said.

“The council? Why are they sending someone over here?” Avery asked. Everyone voiced their ideas: to check up on us, to spy on us, and other ideas.

“No. All of your ideas are wrong,” I said.

“Oh, then you tell us why they are sending someone,” Claiborne said. I looked at her, and then looked down on my plate. Adelicia cover my hand in comfort.

“What is it?” she asked.

“The council are sending someone over to become my mate,’’ I said finally. Everyone was silent. I didn’t want to know what was going though their mind. After a couple of minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well?” I asked them. I didn’t want to go through their minds. I had no right to.

“Are you going to mate with him?” Adelicia asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, I’m sure you will make the right decision when the time comes,” Landon said, “ now let’s continue dinner.” I was grateful that he said that. We all continue eating until dinner was all gone.

“Who turn is it to wash the dishes tonight?” Odette asked.

“Mine and Claiborne,” Avery said as he began to stack up the plates and took them to the kitchen. I did the rest since Claiborne’s big tummy prevented her from bending over too far. She was so close to giving birth to new life.

“Thank you Elizabeth,” Claiborne said. I waved it away as I took them to the kitchen for her. She came in after me. “Elizabeth, is everything alright?” she asked. I sat the dirty dishes in the soapy water. Avery watched us from the sink.

“No, but I will be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I said as I walked to the hallway. I turned around and looked at both of them.

“Night, both of you,” I said, before I went upstairs. Ashton and Adelicia were walking into their room when I passed them.

“Goodnight,” I said.

“Goodnight, Elizabeth,” Adelicia said. She laid a hand on my arm. “If you ever want to talk, know I am here for you.” I covered her hand with my own and nodded.
Ashton nodded in his goodnight as he pulled his mate away from me, gently. He pulled her into the room and shut the door. I knew what they were going to do. I smiled. They were perfect for each other. I walked back to my room and got comfortable. I lay in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and the one thing I saw before going into a light sleep was Adam’s face.
Last edited by Night Mistress on Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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I'm kind of missing Adam already :D When's he going to appear again?

By the way - and no offense intended ^^ - did you base this story on Twilight? They do seem to have similar motives. But I like it ;)

While I waited for Odette to come home, I busied myself by alternating reading my book and cleaning my room. My room was decorated with dark colors such as purple and black. I was lying on my bed; reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, I found it interesting how she portrayed vampires. I found it quite hilarious that she made vampire sparkle when in reality, we didn’t. And I something quite in enjoyable out of it as well, because when read the parts of Alice Cullen, It reminds me of Adelicia (??).

The first sentence is kind of awkward. How about writing "by alternating between reading ..."?
Also, try to use another word than "found", repeated like that, it sounds ... well, like a repetition.
(??) -> I don't really understand what you're trying to say with that sentence. That she enjoys Alice's talent because it reminds her of Adelicia?

After I was changed, Landon and I took a tour of the world. We came across Odette in an alleyway when we were in France during said tour. Odette’s husband apparenty hadn’t cared where to put her body after he found out she was dying from childbirth.

Content isn't clear. Odette's husband finds out she's dying and dumps her in an alley, or what do you mean?

I mean, I wanted to know what emotion she felt when she first saw Landon so I could compare it to what I felt when I first saw Adam.


Landon walked into the conversation from the shadows. I squeaked when he appeared. I've still not gotten used to him popping out of nowhere.


I looked at them, seeing the oblivious love radiating off them.

I believe you mean "obvious love". 'Oblivious' would be the opposite of that ^^


You really need to see that you don't mix up the tenses and switch to the present all of a sudden!

My, they're all such a cute family ^^
I feel bad for Elizabeth, though. Must suck to be surrounded by love"sick" couples :D

Hope you continue soon! Keep up the good work ;)
MySunshine
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They are a cute family arnt they! I think their dialog picked back up and you portrayed their emotions and how much they all care for eachother very well. I love it when gorgeous guys just appear out the the shaddows. It is maybe my favorite trait about vampire males. Ha-ha! Well, one of the things I noticed is at a certian part in the story you used the work 'meat' a lot, that sounded a little repititve but besides that it was fine! Twilight, ack. I think if any of my vampires ever read twilight they would barf. I personally like your family better than the cullens (with the acception of alice, She was decent) but thats just me. I like many familys better than the cullens. I also really like the dignified older male vampires better than crazy crude vampires like Emmet. Your older male vampires make me squeal! I just love em! Very Lestat-ish. But more mature. Nice job, just a little more flavor to their personalities may be nice but besides that, nice!
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Hey, Night!

Night Mistress wrote:Chapter four

While I waited for Odette to come home, I busied myself by alternating reading my book and cleaning my room.Very awkwardly worded. How about: "While I waited for Odette to come home, I busied my self by alternating between reading mybook and cleaning my room. Also, you never mentioned in Chapter Three that she was waiting for Odette, did you? You just throw us a bit of information and expect us to follow along. My room was decorated with dark colors such as purple and black. I was lying on my bed; reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer,Replace the comma with a period. End of sentence. I found it interesting on, Delete "on,"how she portrayed vampires. I found it quite hilarious that she made vampire sparkle when in reality, we didn’t. And I something quite in enjoyableRe read the last few words. They make absolutely no sense." out of it as well, because when read the parts of Alice Cullen, It de-capitalizeremindsremindedrme of Adelicia.That last sentence made no sense. ^_^ How about:
I was quite amused by the character of Alice Cullen, as she reminded me of Adelecia. Also, you don't explain how she reminds you of Adelecia. Pretend your reads haven't read Twilight. I also think a vampire would detest Twilight. I think they would burn it, as I have been so tempted to do. XD
An abrupt knock came to the door.

“Come in,” I said as I put the book down. The door opened to reveal Odette, the mother figure of our family. She was a petite blonde woman, dressed in a nurse’s scrubs.

“Adelicia said that you want to see me, Cde-capitalizeherie,” she said as she fully stepped into the room.

“Have you seen Landon yet?” I asked as I stood up. I walked over to her and reached behind, closing the door.

“Non, Cde-capitalizeherie,” she said in her FrenchMore description here. Does she sound nasally? Deep-throated? What? accent. After I was changed, Landon and I took a tour of the world. We came across Odette in an alleyway when we were in France during Landon and mine tour of the world. It was appearChange "was appeared" to appeared that Odette’s husband didn’t care where he had put her body after he found out she was die from childbirth. We had found her mere moments after the dump of her body. Landon managed to save her just in time.So she was dead when they found her...? This is confusing. It needs to be explained more. Also, I would like to know how old Elizabeth is.

“We are going to have a guest in a couple of weeks,” I said as I looked at my nails.

“A guest, but who?” she asked

“Someone sent by council,” I replied as I went to my desk chair. I sat down in it and looked at her.

“Ummm…” she said as she leaned against the door. She knew that the council was pressuring me into things.

“What do they want you to do?” she asked.

“Take the guy they are sending over here as my mate,” I answered. Her eyes widened in surprise at the statement.

“Even if you don’t love him?” she asked.Shouldn't she know stuff about the council already? Afterall, she's Landon's mate, right?

“Yes even if I don’t love him,” I echoed. She sighed.

“Have you told the others?” she asked.

“No, I thought you deserved to know before they did,” I said as I stood up.

“I appreciated you telling me before them. Come on, I’ll let you help me make dinner tonight,” Odette said as she wrapped an arm around me. Together we left the room and went downstairs to make dinner. We walked into the kitchen and pulled some raw meat form the icebox. I took some of the blood wine that we had and poured it over the meat to soak for a while.So your vampires eat?

“So, other than that, have you had a good day?” Odette asked as she leaned against the counter, head tilted to the side Um. this is a pretty big deal. Elizabeth is getting a MATE and everyone discusses it for about two seconds. She doesn't even seem that upset. The thing is, I don't pity Elizabeth. I don't care for her or feel like I know her. Get me into her head a bit more.

“Yeah,” I said. Then I blurted out, “What did you feel when you first looked at Landon like a mate?” She raised an eyebrow, and I blushed with embarrassment for asking a personal question. I meanTake out "I mean" I wanted to know what emotion she felt when she first saw Landon and compare add the word them hereto the one I felt when I first saw Adam. I knew that there was lust, but there was something else too.

“When I first looked upon Landon after my rebirth, I saw a dark angel who had rescued me from the cold sleep,” Odette said. Landon walked into the conversation from the shadows. I squeaked when he appearappeared, never getting useused to him popping out anywhere.

“And when I saw Odette, I knew I had found my mate,” Landon said as he kissed Odette on the mouth. I looked at them, seeing the obliviousDid you mean obvious? love radiated off them.

“How long have you been there?” I asked him, leaning a hip against the counter.

“Long enough,” he said as he raised his head and looked at me. “Have you told her about the council?”

“I have and I plan to tell everyone else at dinner,” I said. I got the grilling pan and sat it on the stove. I turned on the stove and waited for the pan to heat. A moment later, I put the meat on the pan and seared it. Odette and Landon finally parted.

“Help Elizabeth make dinner. We can continue tonight,” Landon said as he kissed her once more and then let her go. He walked out of the kitchen. Odette busied around the kitchen as I seared the meat. After a couple of minutes, I pulled the meat off and let it rest.

“Should we fix anything with the meat?” Shede-capitalize asked

“Nah. I think the meat will be just fine on its own,” I said as I began to cutting up the meat. Odette got out the plates and I began to plate it. Odette sent a message to the others that dinner was ready via mind. We took the plates out to the table and set the table. I quickly walked back into the kitchen and grabbed the blood wine.

Everyone began to file into the dining room. Landon sat down at the head of the table. Odette sat next to him on the right and then I took a seat next to her. Avery and Claiborne sat next to Landon on the left. Adelicia sat next to me. Her mate sat next to Avery.Do I really need to know where everyone is sitting? This whole scene is kind of junk description.

“Where have you been, Ashton?” I asked the new comer as he sat downAgh! Another random character that we know nothing about! You didn't even mention him come into the house!. Ashton had short black hair and dark eyes. He was dressed in a white t-shirt that stretched across his broad chest and a pair of black slacks.

“Practice room,” he said.

“Oh,” I said. He and I were on the fencing team at school, so we often have extra practice here as well as school practice. We all dug into theirour? dinner. After a couple of minute of eating, Landon got everyone attention.

“I am sorry, but I believe Elizabeth has something to tell us,” He said. Everyone turned his or herJust say "their eyes" eyes on me. I sighed.

“In a couple of weeks, we are going to have a guest in the house,” I said. I took a drink.

“What type of guest?” Claiborne asked.

“One that is being sent by the council,” I said.

“The council? Why are they sending someone over here?” Avery asked. Everyone voiced their ideas: to check up on us, to spy on us, and other ideas.

“No. All of your ideas are wrong,” I said.He didn't say any of his ideas...

“Oh, then you tell us why they are sending someone,” Claiborne said. I looked at her, and then looked down on my plate. Adelicia cover my hand in comfort.

“What is it?” she asked.

“The council are sending someone over to become my mate,’’ I said finally. Everyone was silent. I didn’t want to know what was going though their mind. After a couple of minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well?” I asked them. I didn’t want to go through their minds. I had no right to.

“Are you going to mate with him?” Adelicia asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, I’m sure you will make the right decision when the time comes,” Landon said, “ now let’s continue dinner.” I was grateful that he said that. We all continue eating until dinner was all gone.

“Who turn is it to wash the dishes tonight?” Odette asked.

Once again, the express the mate coming for about three sentences. Shouldn't it be more important?

“Mine and Claiborne,” Avery said as he began to stack up the plates and took them to the kitchen. I did the rest since Claiborne’s big tummy prevented her from bending over too far. She was so close to giving birth to new life.

“Thank you Elizabeth,” Claiborne said. I waved it away as I took them to the kitchen for her. She came in after me. “Elizabeth, is everything alright?” she asked. I sat the dirty dishes in the soapy water. Avery watched us from the sink.

“No, but I will be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I said as I walked to the hallway. I turned around and looked at both of them.

“Goodnight, both of you,” I said, before I went upstairs. Ashton and Adelicia were walking into their room when I passed them.

“Goodnight,” I said.

“Goodnight, Elizabeth,” Adelicia said. She laid a hand on my arm. “If you ever want to talk, know I am here for you.” I covered her hand with my own and nodded.

“Goodnight,” Whoa. You just said the word Goodnight four times. That is waaaay too much.Ashton said as he pulled his mate away from me, gently. He pulled her into the room and shut the door. I knew what they were going to do. I smiled. They were perfect for each other. I walked back to my room and got comfortable. I lay in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and the one thing I saw before going into a light sleep was Adam’s face.


Hope this helps,
Sakura
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sakura:

I know you are trying to be helpful, but Ashton was already in the house! That why I didn't say that "oh look Ashton is home." It was because he was already home, just in a different part of the house.

I know you are trying to be help, but it's seems to me, you just want me to re-do the whole thing, which i might because these re-writes are so horrible.

I may be improving, but it doesn't seems to satified people who are reading the story.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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To answer not only your story, but also your latest post, Night Mistress, re-writing isn't enough if you're not improving, and you can't improve unless you a) read lots of *WELL-WRITTEN* books, b) practice tons and tons c) don't take criticism so seriously. We're not personally attacking you when we say your writing needs work - it just does. For example, if you actually want to get this published, it seems amateur to mention an actual book like Twilight, or to have this right here:

reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I found it interesting [s]on[/s] how she portrayed vampires. I found it quite hilarious that she made vampires sparkle when in reality, we [s]didn’t[/s] don't.


The repeated 'I found' messes with the flow, for one. But what really irks me about this - beside the fact that I despise Twilight - is that this is already a lot like all those other Twilight knock-offs, with only one difference: the vampire girl and the human boy, instead of the vampire boy and the human girl. The idea of being forced to have a mate is interesting enough, but since vampires are dead people, and, originally (and in my mind, more sensibly) could only drink human blood, it seems silly to say they can love. But this is your story, so I'll keep my own opinions outta this. Perhaps you could show that your vamps don't sparkle, instead of telling. I think that makes the story more interesting anyhow. ;)

Try to remember A, B, C, if at all possible. We shall all see each other soon, yes? =D

-SELA
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Okay, let me take a hit at this story. I haven't read it yet, so I'll comment/critique as I read along. I haven't read the first chapters, so I won't know what's going on, but I'll try my best.

Odette to come home, I busied my self by alternating between

I'm not sure, but should my self be myself?

Okay, I am sorry, but I do not appreciate the way you added "Twilight" in your story. Sometimes it's best to just clear way of saying any book's title. But that's my opinion. I liked the way you threw me off, though, when you said,
she made vampire sparkle when in reality, we didn’t

Otherwise, there are other ways to infer that vampires don't sparkles. Maybe just say, "It's hilarious how people think vampires sparkles, when in reality we don't."

I have to say, so far I like the names you have here for your characters.

Do you really need to have all that background information about Odette, though? Unless this will come in later, I don't see it as necessary.

as I looked at my nails

Instead of 'looked', maybe 'inspected' would be better.

Ummm…” she said as she leaned

Maybe one 'm' would do the job.

Okay, I notice you use a lot of 'said', 'asked', and 'answered'. You dont' always have to use this and just go straight to the action and if the reader known who is talking. You could also used other words, like 'sighed' or 'exclaim' and 'grunt'.

“Have you told the others?” she asked.

“No, I thought you deserved to know before they did,” I said as I stood up.

Like right here. Delete the 'she asked' and the 'I said' and go straight to 'I stood up'.

I have to admit, I am getting quite bored with this conversation between your MC (I don't know her name yet. I assume it's not 'cherie') The only thing that striked me as interesting so far is making her 'mate' someone she didn't love. Or something. But your MC doesn't seem troubled by that.

“I was just asking Elizabeth, so please don’t take that tone with me,” Odette said.

Ahh...Elizabeth.
Okay, some minor things. Just add a comma between 'asking' and 'Elizabeth'. And I don't understand why Odette is so mean like that when Elizabeth was just venting, not really even using that tone with her.

“I know. I am sorry,” I said then I blurted out, “

Maybe "I know, I'm sorry," Flows better. And make it, I said, then blurted out,

I saw a dark angel who had rescued me from the cold sleep,”

I like this description. But isn't it a little queer that Landon should pop up right when they are talking about him?

seeing the obvious love radiated off them.

Maybe try, seeing the obvious love radiating off of them.

I got the grilling pan and sat it on the stove. I turned on the stove and waited for the pan to heat. A moment later, I put the meat on the pan and seared it. Odette and Landon finally parted.

Personally, I see this paragraph as unnecessary. You can just say, I began preparing the meat, or something. But if you would like to keep this paragraph, I would rewrite it as,
I got the grilling pan and sat it on the stove, turning it on and leaning on the counter as I waited for the pan to heat.
Also, you say "Odette and Landon finally parted" when I don't remember them every locked together. When Landon talked earlier, that's when I had assumed they parted.
that dinner was ready via mind.

I don't quite understand this. I guess I missed something earlier.

Everyone began to file into the dining room. Everyone sat down at the long table

I would rewrite this as, Everyone began filing into the dining room and sitting down at the long, (description of table) table.

I like the name - Adelicia.
I whispered to Adelicia.

I whispered to her.

as he mate walked in.

as 'her' mate walked in? Typo, I'm thinking.
Everyone had a mate, except me.

I would cut this into two sentences.

got everyone attention.

Everyone's attention.

the house,” I said. I took a drink.

I said, taking a drink.


Adelicia cover my hand in comfort

I don't understand this gesture.

I was grateful that he said that. We all continue eating until dinner was all gone.

I was grateful he'd said that. We all continued eating until dinner was all gone.


Okay. There are three things here that I would like to say.
1. You keep saying 'said' to indicate they are talking. I can already tell that they are by the quotation marks. I would suggest cutting the 'said's down.
2. There are too many characters for me to follow, I lost count.
3. There is too many meaningless talk. Like washing the dishes and describing how she cooked the meat. All of this is unimportant.

I hope I wasn't too hard. I would press you to keep on writing, because we can only get better! :)
Happy Writings!
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Last chapter; I did them all in one day. Are you proud of me? lol Just kidding, Bri! It is my pleasure to review your work =]

Adelicia harrumphed as he mate walked in.


“her” instead of “he” here.

~ ~ ~ ~

Well, as you can tell, I only found one mistake here. I do have a few suggestions, though:

1) First, I felt that this chapter went too fast. You could have included more dialogue at the diner table and such. I would have liked to know more of what was going through Elizabeth’s mind and such. It would really help the reader understand her.

2) Another thing is the speed with her and Adam. I don’t think you put enough emphasis on the match. At first, it was a casual interaction and now she can’t get him out of her mind. Really work on emphasizing it more. It’s not a big deal that she likes him that much and she’s just curious to the feelings of love, but I would really concentrate on working on portraying her emotions.

3) Lastly, you need to distinguish all your characters. Right now, they’re pretty similar in reactions. Really bring out their individual personalities in speech, movements, interactions with each other, ect.

Otherwise, this was good. It was basically a fuller-chapter and it was needed for the story to continue.

Please PM me when you have the next chapter up.
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Hey!

I'm sorry it took so long to look at your work, but I've been soooo busy lately. Anyway, you asked for my opinion, so here it is:

-I read the prologue and the two chapters first, then took a break to watch "Desperate Housewives", but I found myself thinking about how the story would continue. Excited to find out more which is always a good sign. So you officially have me hooked!

-I see that so many have rewieved these chapters so I'm not gonna go over all of the texts again, since so many has done it before me. Although, I'll tell you my likes and dislikes.

Bad stuff first right?:
- There are a few spelling mistakes and a few too many 'said' as the others has already pointed out. When you know all the characters and who are in the room and in the conversation you don't need to put 'said' after every line it just slows the whole thing down.
- I don't think there's too many characters. There's just enough. I managed to follow Twilight so this is no different, character wise:P But I too think you need to add a bit more info of the characters in between as your story proceeds. That makes it easier to separate them. Although this is easy for you, as you know the characters, it's not always easy for us, the readers, when there are this amount of people involved.
I would like to know what everyone's powers were and etc.

Good stuff:
- Like I said, you're story has me. I'm a fan, I like the plot line although. Don't make it too much like Twilight. Stephenie Meyer is published, and has a huge fan base. You won't get published if this is too much the same as her.
- You caught me off guard with the whole twilight-book reading thingy. I was just thinking:" Hm, she's definitely a Twilight fan!" and then you threw the book in my face, which to me made her more real. More human. Which I like.
- I love how Claiborne is pregnant. And I can't wait for how the baby will turn out to be. I'm a total baby nut, so I think every good story should include a baby.
- Adam, oh, I think I'm a bit in love with him already. He seems so sweet, and I'm starting to miss him as well. And it's genius that you have added this obstacle for her and Adam, in this mate the council is gonna send them. Although, I would like to know, why. Why does she need to have a mate?? And why does he have to be a vamp??
- I'm also very excited about how the change takes place. 'Cause you're used to them biting other people to change them, right? But in the prologue you mention something about exchanging blood. Very interesting angle. I guess you'll tell us more about the change as the story unfolds itself, but I'm just so excited.
- I really like the names. Odette is such a lovely name. And I love that the MC is named Elizabeth, that's my name too!! Haha.

So, to you, just keep on writing and don't take any criticism as an attack. We write this to help you make your story better, from the readers POV. And you need it to be 'readable' if you want this to get published, which is what we all want with our works, right? The more people who read it the better!=)

Yes, keep at it. And would you mind PM'ing me when chapter 5 is up? (Which I hope is soooooon) I can't wait for more!

Love, Liz =)
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93



Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres