The Story of the Saddest Smiley Face Ever.

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 11
Once upon a time there was a smiley face that lived in a small apartment on the edge of town. He lived by himself and he was the most lonesome smiley face in Smiloville.
It was a damp and dismal day as Smiley mad his way to work, which was a coat-hanger factory. He walked in the presence of his favorite inanimate object, his blue and pink polka-dotted umbrella. As usual he walked with his smiley head down, watching his smiley feet rhythmically plunk down onto the sidewalk. On particular days like this, Smiley might talk to his umbrella as he would to a fellow smiley.
“Oh umbrella,” he would say soberly, “how I do wish I could have a companion that talks back to me – not that I don’t enjoy you” he added hurriedly, “but I want someone that does more than just shield rain.”
Smiley was so caught up in his monotonous thoughts that he didn’t notice the stray mothball that lay dying in his path. Mothballs are not the same in Smiley World as they are in Human World. I guess you could compare a mothball in Smiley World to dogs in the human world. Mothballs are a common Smiley household pet, and the smartest ones can talk. This particular mothball was a slight greenish – yellowy color, with big triangular eyes and big round ears, like a cola bear.
Spotting the mothball at the last minute, Smiley managed to evade it. “Sweet spaghetti leftovers!” he gasped, “The poor dear, I must save it!” Completely forgetting his umbrella he gingerly picked the mothball up and carried it back to his apartment, leaving his umbrella behind. Little did Smiley know, the umbrella was feeling sad and discarded and angry. Deep down, the umbrella was crying and having a fit. Even deeper down the umbrella promised revenge for being left and forgotten.
After weeks of the similes full attention, the mothball became well. For the first time in his smiley memory, Smiley had someone to talk to! The mothball was the perfect listener, making “tsk tsk” noises at just the right moments, and laughing at all of Smiley’s jokes.
Smiley was becoming much more self assured and outgoing, with the help of the mothball, which he presently named Spot. Smiley even started to socialize with his co-workers! Imagine that! On a particularly sunny day in June, Smiley came home singing, only to find his apartment in tatters.
“NO!!” he screamed, “BUT WHERE IS MY SPOT???” Agonizingly, he ran from room to room frantically searching for his dear mothball. This is where we find him in the kitchen, lying on the floor, beating his fists upon the linoleum floor tiles that his mothball suggest he put in after he got sick of getting splinters from his wooden floor. If you look up you will see his new smiley microwave, shiney on the outside except for a single umbrella picture stamped onto the corner, the inside you couldn’t see, for blood coated it. You can presume what smiley found inside of there. There is no need to go into graphic details; your imagination should be enough.
This is the end of the story, or at least of Smileys. There is nothing more to say about it. You heard the only interesting part of his life. I will not bore you with the uninteresting details of his everyday life, but I want you to know that smiley spent the rest of his days much the same as he had before he found his Spot. But of course, in the absence of his blue and pink polka dotted umbrella.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 80
The cute and cuddly: There's just something irresistible about this-something eccentric and unassuming. It's a completely unique idea, and I would really like it to be a bit longer. I also love the use of language.

The ugly and spiky: Unfortunately, it doesn't satisfy me. It has the potential to be warm and happy, but then it all goes to pieces, because "you heard the only interesting part of his life". So after this Smiley goes on to have a boring and dismal life! And Spot dies! Waaah!

Also, this struck me as "trying too hard to be different". My gut says that you probably could have pulled it off with a 'happily ever after'-type ending.

Overall: I don't think this belongs in 'Romantic Fiction'. I hope this wasn't too harsh-I don't want to be discouraging or negative, and I'm really interested to see more of your writing-you have a very distinctive style, a good vocabulary and lots of potential. PM me the next time you post something!




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 7273
Reviews 45
Well first of all you had good grammar & spelling except you put *mad* instead of *made*
Now first of all I don't think this belongs in the Romantic Fiction section.
Yes, it might so love, as in friendship, but it would fit better in the Fiction secion perhaps?
Now as Jay mentioned above, you seem to be trying way to hard to be different.
You need to just write and let the flow come to you, don't imitate others, or what kind of writing you think is cool, funny, etc.
Just be yourself!
It was confusing at some parts, like the end.
Short, but still interesting.
Maybe more description would be better?
Overall it was okay. From a scale of 1 to 10 and 1 being the worst & 10 besing the best I would give it a 4 or 5. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh.
Work on it a bit more! You have potential. =]




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 7273
Reviews 45
Well first of all you had good grammar & spelling except you put *mad* instead of *made*
Now first of all I don't think this belongs in the Romantic Fiction section.
Yes, it might so love, as in friendship, but it would fit better in the Fiction secion perhaps?
Now as Jay mentioned above, you seem to be trying way to hard to be different.
You need to just write and let the flow come to you, don't imitate others, or what kind of writing you think is cool, funny, etc.
Just be yourself!
It was confusing at some parts, like the end.
Short, but still interesting.
Maybe more description would be better?
Overall it was okay. From a scale of 1 to 10 and 1 being the worst & 10 besing the best I would give it a 4 or 5. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh.
Work on it a bit more! You have potential. =]




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 7273
Reviews 45
Well first of all you had good grammar & spelling except you put *mad* instead of *made*
Now first of all I don't think this belongs in the Romantic Fiction section.
Yes, it might so love, as in friendship, but it would fit better in the Fiction secion perhaps?
Now as Jay mentioned above, you seem to be trying way to hard to be different.
You need to just write and let the flow come to you, don't imitate others, or what kind of writing you think is cool, funny, etc.
Just be yourself!
It was confusing at some parts, like the end.
Short, but still interesting.
Maybe more description would be better?
Overall it was okay. From a scale of 1 to 10 and 1 being the worst & 10 besing the best I would give it a 4 or 5. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh.
Work on it a bit more! You have potential. =]




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 10
I must say, I adored the ending of the plot. It's a simple tale, true, but it's deep and memorable at the same time (which is what makes a good fable, yes?). The irony was delicious.

However, I'd like to mention that the last paragraph was sort of useless. As a short story, it would have been more effective to end it on the second to last paragraph, so that reader ends on a feeling of shock rather than thinking about what, for all intents and purposes, was a giant "The End".




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4495
Reviews 228
ChickenFeet wrote:It was a damp and dismal day as Smiley mad his way to work, which was a coat-hanger factory.

[I believe you meant: It was a damp and dismal day as Smiley made his way to work, at a coat-hanger factory.]

This particular mothball was a slight greenish – yellowy color, with big triangular eyes and big round ears, like a cola bear.
[I'd suggest: This particular mothball was tinged an interesting shade of greenish-yellow.]

Little did Smiley know, the umbrella was feeling sad and discarded and angry.
[Little did Smiley know, the umbrella was feeling sad and unwanted. I'd suggest this phrasing because here, you are talking about its desolation, then in the later sentence, you mention revenge. That's where the anger should go into, in my opinion.]

After weeks of the similes full attention, the mothball became well.
[After receiving a few weeks of tender, loving care from Smiley, the mothball recovered.]

Smiley was becoming much more self assured and outgoing, with the help of the mothball, which he presently named Spot.
[Self-assured. No comma between outgoing and with, I think.]

Smiley even started to socialize with his co-workers!
[Forgive me for my poor memory, but did you mention that Smiley was a withdrawn and shy creature? Oh, and the part where you mentioned his house was in tatters, it sounds okay, but the dictionary definition for tatters, is to be badly 'torn', which cannot be said for an apartment. Maybe replace it with something like: To find his house turned upside down/ransacked, (just to be safe?)]

“NO!!” he screamed, “BUT WHERE IS MY SPOT???”
[CAPS lock is discouraged, so you could make use of italics and bold.]

This is where we find him in the kitchen, lying on the floor, beating his fists upon the linoleum floor tiles that his mothball suggest he put in after he got sick of getting splinters from his wooden floor. If you look up you will see his new smiley microwave, shiney on the outside except for a single umbrella picture stamped onto the corner, the inside you couldn’t see, for blood coated it. You can presume what smiley found inside of there. There is no need to go into graphic details; your imagination should be enough.
[Indicate in the first sentence, that it is Smiley who we find on the floor. 'Beating his fists upon the linoleum floor tiles that his beloved mothball had suggested that he put in...' Oh, and it's spelt 'shiny', not 'shiney'. 'You can guess what Smiley(capitalise the name) found in there'.]

This is the end of the story, or at least of Smileys.
[Smiley's. Apostrophe.]

I will not bore you with the uninteresting details of his everyday life, but I want you to know that smiley spent the rest of his days much the same as he had before he found his Spot.
[I will not bore you with the mundane details of his life from then on, as Smiley spent the rest of his miserable days much the same as he done so before, before discovering Spot.]

On the whole:
Initially, I would have said - Two words, ChickenFeet: Children's book.
Then as I approached the end, I could feel a wave of dread pass over me.
So I guess the children's book idea is not feasible,
Seeing as you'd be mobbed by livid parents for morbid content,
And causing grievous hurt/emotional trauma/chronic nightmares to their children.
The whole thing was written in a very, 'young' style. Like a 12-year-old writing it.
The words used were generally simple, the tone was childish.
And I believe this has been pointed out: You have a strange idea of what Romance is.
I presume you wrote this, meaning it to sound childish? :D
Anyway, it was entertaining.
Keep on writing! :D

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"



The idea that a poem was a made thing stayed with me, and I decided then that I wanted to be an artist, not just a diarist. So I put myself through a kind of apprenticeship in writing poetry, and I understood even then that my practice as a poet was deeply related to my reading.
— Edward Hirsch