The Atheism of Trees

(Yeah, this poem is kind of odd. I came up with the idea while I was walking my dog and decided to write it down. Please, critique away!)
(Edited)

A gentle monk might note
That the trees are all Buddhist;
They meditate to have peace.
But they will have no nirvana.

A humble priest might say
That the trees are alight with Christianity;
In a higher being they trust.
But they don't need the love of Christ.

A devout rabbi might announce
That the trees are of Jewish spirit;
The Torah is their guide.
But they won't wear a star of David.

Only the wise man will declaim
That the trees are all atheists;
In the earth they put their faith.
Religion has no hold on the trees.

This was an interesting idea, so kudos for coming up with it. However, I think the piece itself needs some improvement.

The first thing I noticed was the half-hearted rhyming. "Spirit/David" and "Declaim/Plains" don't rhyme, and the rhythm doesn't really work. In order for a rhyme scheme to be effective, you have to have the right rhythm. My suggestion: Ditch the rhyme. Free verse gives you more room to explore the ideas and choose better words instead of just rhyming ones.

The second thing: There's a bit of a leap in your comparisons. How, exactly, are pine trees like Buddhism, oak trees like Christianity, and willows like Judaism? Were these random pairings or did you have a reason for them? Make the connection more obvious. Do willow trees pounce upon the Torah? That makes little sense. I might suggest using the more obvious characteristics of the trees (e.g. the evergreen pine, the sturdy oak that spreads lots of acorns (a comparison to evangelism, perhaps?), the swaying droopy branches of the willow), and connecting those traits to the religions. How exactly you do that is up to you.

Now for some praise: The last three lines were great.

Overall, an interesting concept with lots of potential if you express it more clearly. Keep writing!

I like this, the idea is great.

I agree with niteowl concerning your rhyming - I actually didn't notice the rhyme the first time I read it through. It just felt like this is something that would work better as freeverse, so maybe you could play around with that? I don't think the rhyme adds or detracts from the piece, but it's not an important or noticeable part, so if you're not too attached to it it would work fine without it.

I liked the comparisons you made, though the trees were all obvious choices. I don't think you need to worry too much about the sorts of trees you use, you get your point across using these ones, but if you were to revise or rewrite the poem to take it further, you could research the subject a bit.

All in all, I think this is a great idea - very different, very deep - and your piece has a lot of potential!

Cool!
I agree with Shinigamizm about the rhyme scheme-it's only really obvious in Verse 1.
This is because most rhyme schemes go ABCB not ABAC.

Apart from that, a good piece.

Hmm...interesting. I liked, as your other commentators noted, the originality of the idea, but I also thought the rhyming was forced. When you write poetry, you should rhyme to write, not write to rhyme, if you take my meaning.

A faithful rabbi might announce
That the willows are of Jewish spirit;
Upon the Torah they each pounce.

As in this bit, I thought that "announce" and "pounce" did rhyme well, but the whole stanza didn't have much flow. I agree with niteowl...be more specific, and the rest of those ideas were also great.
Anyhoo, it's got potential, just needs to be edited and nitpicked a bit here and there.

Hi there! I'm tired and I just drank half the bottle of coca cola so this review probably won't be a very good one but I'll try my best, 'kay?


I do agree. The rhyming was unnotice-able until I read your poem a second time. The rhythm was a bit off, especially in the second stanza.

However, I love the idea, and it's a wonderful piece.

I agree.

Hmmm...someone mentioned something about free-verse. I think that would suit this idea amazingly well. To be honest, I didn't even realize there was a rhyming scheme until I read some of the other reviews! Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you're going to put in the effort to make words rhyme, go all the way, not half-way.

The first comparison--the pines are buddhist because they are calm and meditatively remote--satisfied me. I'm a tad familiar with Buddhism, and the way you related the tree to the religion made sense. It was a comparison that is valid. However, I can't say the same thing with the next two comparisons. Do the oaks pray to the higher being because they are tall? State so. Do the Willows pounce on the Torah? How so? With these last two comparisons I feel as if there is a ghost of the reason there, but I'm having trouble actually picking the reasons out. I think you could explain a little better.

The last stanza seemed forced, but it was mostly because you were forcing your haphazard rhymes Once again, free verse would work wonders with this piece. You have a solid idea, an original one, and one that invokes though. Great job!

-Cassie

The whole point of the trees was to show that NONE of them were in any way religious, or tied to any religion. Hence the last line of each stanza. No tree is religious, because it doesn't matter. So I didn't pair them specifically to religion. I picked pine for Buddhism because it sounded good, and was the first thing I thought of. That's it. And the rhyme scheme is a bit off, because originally I had an ABCB structure, but as I reread it the lines sounded wrong. So I switched it around, and I guess it really didn't work. Thank you so much for all the reviews! I changed it to free verse, and nixed the use of specific trees, so my point wouldn't be confused. Tell me if you like it!

It's a really interesting idea and your portrayal of it is great! I think that you deleted the rhyme scheme, and put it in free verse now right? Because I didn't see any rhyme scheme at all...I love the way you wrote this and there isn't really anything wrong with this piece. I loved the way you connected Buddhism to meditation and then to tress. It enhances the flow of it greatly...Excellent job on this and a gold star for you!
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