The Bomb Falls

Hmm... not my usual writing style. So I'm not sure about this.
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Beautiful, Silver, Humongous Birds,
That fly with Thunder in their bellies;
People look up with naked fear,
Then run to pathetic shelters.
Fearfully, they hear the roar,
The thunder clap of coming death;
And for a single moment, all was still,
Then the birds swooped down to claim their kill.

first of all, kudos to you for trying something different! *Jon here*

Beautiful, Silver, Humongous Birds,

Why did you capitalize every first letter of the words? I suggest fixing it unless it has to be like this for this type of poem.

That fly with Thunder in their bellies;

Again, The capitalization of 'Thunder'? Why? -- good strong line though.

People look up with naked fear,

I like this line, it shows how they don't try to hide it. Something terrifying must be coming!

Then run to pathetic shelters.

Favorite line of the whole poem.

Fearfully, they hear the roar,

Fearfully? No. Try: 'They hear the retched roar,'

[s]The thunder clap of coming death;[/s]

I don't see the need of this line, we already know the birds are coming. Plus the poem sounds better without it.

And for a single moment, all was still,

Good! Maybe you could use some descriptive words? Make it sound eery. *Suggestion*

Then the birds swooped down to claim their kill.

Sounds better: 'The birds swooped down, claiming their kill.' the way you have it stops the flow and makes it difficult to read.


Overall: 6/10
Keep working at it, you'll be great at this type in no time! Once again, Kudos to you for trying something different and coming out of your comfort zone!


My pleasure,


---Jon---

I really like this poem. I think you can keep the capitalization for the first line, I think you meant to emphasis the descriptive words, but decapitalize thunder on the next line. It doesn't fit with the series of
descriptive words.

The best part of this poem is the fact that you didn't rhyme at all except for the last line. It puts oomph into the ending, confirming the bombs touchdown.

Again, really good poem-
95/100

hmm..i like your poem
i envy the way you construct each line
but the first time i read this
i feel that there is something missing
i just dont know what
but all in all your poem is great keep it up

I like this a lot!
Pretty good, just a few capitalization errors as most have said.
But I really do like it.
Congrats on the 'comfot zone' leaving.

It is really good due to the mistakes.

Some lines actually are not needed.
But I still think you can improve it and show people that even a mistake or two can have things lookin' great!

Hey, not bad. It's something unique. Short, but expressed in a unique way. I really liked it.

Just a reminder: it's not necessary to capitalize the words like you did in the 1st line. Just let the whole thing flow!

Anyway, good job, and keep it up.

I feel somehow the poem needs a better end...I thought it ended quite abrubtly, possibly due to haste or something. I don't actually like short poems but that's a matter of taste...oh well, otherwise a good and quite original poem.

Hey there, Kirsten here, I second Jon's kudoses for trying something different.
Anyway, let's go over the poem and then we'll do the comments. xD

Beautiful, Silver, Humongous Birds,

I'm not too sure about the capitalization in this line. I like the idea of capitalizing the adjectives, or capitalizing the nouns, but I'm not sure about capitalizing them both, maybe choose one, or maybe I'm making no sense at all the latter is most likely. xD

That fly with Thunder in their bellies;

I absolutely adore this line, it's wonderful

People look up with naked fear,

I love how naked fear depicts exactly what fear is, when it comes down to it, it's not a fancy elaborate feeling, it's quite the opposite. I love it. xD

Then run to pathetic shelters.

Fearfully, they hear the roar,

The thunder clap of coming death;

And for a single moment, all was still,

Then the birds swooped down to claim their kill.

I like the end, but I think you should use a more powerful word than swooped, it would provide a better ending. The last line of a poem's meant to kick us, push us away and leave us with no breath.

My comments
I'm really interested in the capitalization, but as I've previously said, I think it'd help if you chose maybe the adjectives, and capitalized all of them. It might make the poem more interesting, I'm not an expert on poetry though, so I wouldn't JUST trust my opinion, maybe get some other people's opinions too Now, your poem: I really liked it. It depicted birds hunting, but it also seemed to me to carry deeper meaning. Almost like a society, the rise and decline of one? No, no that's not quite what I mean, but it's something like that, I could explain it, but I can't at the same time. Confusing
Your poem was lovely though, it painted nice images in my mind. I do wonder though, what emotion you're trying to put across to us. It was short and unique, and for that, I enjoyed it.

~Kirsten
x

I really like this, again, but I think it could be tweaked a little..

I think you could reorder the first line: maybe 'Giant, silver, beautiful birds.' There is an actual formula for it but I can't remember it, but you wouldn't say 'brown, big bear' would you?.. sounds wrong. And beautiful birds makes for a nice alliteration.
By the way, I don't mind the capitalization. It doesn't subtract from it but I'm not sure it adds all that much either, so whatever floats your boat.

"People look up with naked fear"
Personally I would switch 'people' for something like 'ants' to strengthen the metaphor of birds and to emphasise the size of the missiles. But thats more a personal style than an analytical critique.

You use fear twice in 3 lines: i think this could benefit with a synonym for fearfully or even if you changed it completely, as the fear is implied already by the imagery.

Maybe it could have the thunderclap of something else present in the act: rage maybe, although that sounds bad with still and kill, but death is generally implied and omission is always effective.

I like how the last 2 lines rhyme when the rest is free verse: its very powerful, but then again, there is something that is awkward about as well: so I am unsure on that.

I don't think you could delete lines as others have said, you could definitely add them, make it sixteen lines or something, but I don't think you could shorten it effectively without changing the entire poem.

But once again, very vivid imagery, raw and beautiful. I love how you write

Brendan

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Hmm... not my usual writing style. So I'm not sure about this.
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Beautiful, Silver, Humongous Birds,
That fly with Thunder in their bellies;
People look up with naked fear,
Then run to pathetic shelters.
Fearfully, they hear the roar,
The thunder clap of coming death;
And for a single moment, all was still,
Then the birds swooped down to claim their kill.

Hi Knightly ^^ Shina here

Though it's not your usual writing, I liked it. It was definitely different. The only think I noticed is that the poem didn't really match the title. other than that, the structure is nice and the puncation. Just don't capitalize the first letter in each line.

~Shina

I really like this. If this is not your usual style of writing then don't worry! It's a lovely read. The imagery is brilliant and the lines fit together like pieces of a puzzle. The last line is a spit’n’polish finish- very dramatic.

However, I think this poem deserves another stanza or two. It just feels undeveloped, lonely, unsatisfied. I think if you work on this and make it a little longer, with perhaps another story happening in the background, you can make this poem feel complete, but that’s just my humble opinion.

Overall, this poem deserves a big well done! ;D

Capitalize a word in two conditions: end of sentence or new line, but not both at the same time.

Nice extended metaphor for the "birds."

Also, to make the poem more involved explain the eerieness after the "kill." It will make the poem a little more emotionally charged.

No problem with syntax; the lines are split up perfectly for the best dramatic effect.

9.5/10