Clues

Clair sighed as she walked into the neighbourhood library. It was an all-too familiar place for her to spend weekends. Only today was Thursday. Clair grumbled as she set her books down at her unofficial table. Stupid mid-terms.

Clair nodded to the librarian as she went to the History section. She needed to read some book about Alexander the Great for a test later in the week. To say history was her least favourite class was an understatement. Clair would have rather not taken the boring class at all, but it was mandatory for grade eleven students. She shook her head as she lugged the book to her table.

Just get the work done, she mentally sighed. Once it’s done, you don’t have to look at it again.

When she got back to her table she stopped.

There was a book already on it.

Clair looked around. There wasn’t anybody to speak of near by. People around here usually left tables with coats on them alone. Especially during mid-terms. And if they did use part of an occupied table, they certainly wouldn’t leave a book there unattended and unopened. Clair glanced at the title out of curiosity.

A Brief History of Time

Quantum physics. Whoever had left this book behind had picked just the book for her. Clair traded the history text in her hands for the book that had been left at her seat. Surely, just looking wouldn’t hurt. After all, she did have a physics test to study for. Even though it wasn’t for another two weeks.

Clair thumbed through the pages, not wanting to get too deeply into anything. Just a quick break, then back to history. She lost control of the slow flipping of pages and the book opened somewhere in the middle. Clair frowned. Somebody had left a bookmark at that place. She shifted the book to one hand and picked up a stray piece of paper between the pages.

Call number— C108-342-67

Clair put the paper back and snapped the book shut. The last thing she needed was to figure out what book somebody had forgotten about. She didn’t want any distractions from studying. Her grade in history was low enough.

She put the book at the other end of the table and sat down at her usual seat. Whoever had left the book could pick it up again and not have to disturb her. Clair started reading her own book, but she kept a careful eye on whoever walked by her table. It shouldn’t take long for somebody to pick up that book, she thought. After all, I had only been gone five minutes.

Time ticked by just as slowly as Clair read the book under her nose. Five minutes passed, then ten, then fifteen. She kept glancing up to see if somebody had taken that book yet, but it was still exactly where she’d left it. Clair looked past her table and saw a call computer that wasn’t being used.

I really should just leave this be… Clair hesitated a moment longer before going to the computer and typing in the call number. One book came up: Macbeth. Clair rested her chin on her hand. Her class was doing Macbeth this semester.

Okay, strange... This time, Clair didn’t waste any time. She went through the library’s shelves to find a copy of the play. Once she found it she flipped through the pages. This time her thumb stopped near the end. Just like the first book, there was a piece of paper stuck between the pages.

Call number—R907-524-12

Clair went to the computer a second time, typing in the new call number. This time the book was on art history. Another one of my classes… Clair no longer knew what to think. This was all just too weird. Whoever had left those pieces of paper in the books knew her classes and which one was her favourite. The notes had to have been left recently; this library was used by everybody within five miles, including almost all of Clair’s classmates. With mid-terms, they’d be looking up these books too.

She slowly got up from her chair. Just one more time, then I’m going back to studying. She’d already wasted half an hour on this silly hunt. She needed to study for at least an hour tonight, and at this rate, she wouldn’t be getting out of here until ten p.m.

Clair made her way to the art section and found the book near the end of the aisle. She flipped through the whole thing, but her thumb didn’t stop at any page like it had the last time. Disappointed that the book was a dead end and relieved she could go back to her table and forget about this, Clair tried to close the book one-handed. The momentum got away from her, however, and the book ended up on the floor.

Clair ducked her head and quickly picked up the fallen book. Under the splayed pages was another note, exactly like the others. She guessed it had been near the cover, where she hadn’t looked at too closely. On the note was only two words:

Turn around.

Clair spun around, dropping the book again. There was nobody behind her. She swore under her breath. Why did I let myself get caught up in such a wild goose chase?

As she bent down to pick up the book, somebody else got there first.

Clair’s head snapped up to see a guy about her age with white-blond hair and blue eyes. He held the book with both hands, his fingers going white at the tips he was pressing so hard on it.

She stood up slowly, feeling her cheeks turn red. “Sorry for disturbing you.”

“No problem. “He quickly stuck out his hand. “I’m Daniel, by the way.”

“Clair.” She bit her lip. “Erm, do you want that book?”

He held it out to her. “No, you can have it.”

Clair shook her head. “No, no, it’s okay. I was just—”

“Just what?”

“Just, well… This is going to sound so stupid, but, I found that call number in a book.”

“One left on your table?”

Clair raised an eyebrow. “How did you know a book was left on my table?”

“Well, um.” Daniel cleared his throat. “I’ve been wanting to meet you, but, just, couldn’t get myself…”

Clair blushed again. Daniel had left all those clues just to meet her? “Do you go to Meadowbrook?”

He jerked a nod. “Just started after Christmas. I—I noticed you in class, and, well…”

“Do you want to study with me?” she asked, not wanting to stay on this subject much longer. “I could use some help in history.”

Daniel smiled. “Just as long as you help me in physics. That class is a killer.”

Clair rolled her eyes. “If you say so.” She glanced at him and was no longer able to keep a straight face. She put a hand over her mouth to muffle her laugh.

Daniel tucked the book under his arm. “Got room at your table?”

Her giggles under control, Clair nodded. “Sure. Grab your books and come on.”

A/N- Shred this into tinny little pieces please.

Clair sighed as she walked into the neighborhoodlibrary.

Although, maybe you meant to spell it the other way...

She needed to read some book about Alexander the Great for a test later in the week.

"Later in a week" didn't sound specific enough.

Clair’s head snapped up to see a guy, about her age, with white-blond hair and blue eyes.

“No problem.“ He quickly stuck out his hand. “I’m Daniel, by the way.”

Clair rolled her eyes. “If you say so.” She glanced at him and was no longer able to keep a straight face.

Rosey! *waves* Hi, darling! Anyway, I'm critiquing. I noticed you spelled some things the British way after I corrected "neighborhood". Sorry about that. Haha.
Well, I thought this piece was wonderful! It was so sweet. I love how he used all those clues and such to meet her. How smooth! Haha.
Is this a short story??? I'm guessing so, but, you know, just checking.
Overall, great job! Bye now! Haha.

Awww....Good job Rosey! I didn't notice this was romantic fiction until the end.

It was an all-too familiar place for her to spend weekends.

This sentence sounds a little weird. I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Are you saying it's because she goes to the library on the weekends? That's not the way it sounds like.
It would help to clear that sentence up, hon.

She needed to read some book about Alexander the Great for a test later in a week.

Do you mean the test is in a week, or if the test is later that week?
If it is supposed to be for later that week, you should probably change the wording to that.

When she got back to her table, she stopped.

This time, the book was on art history.

Don't forget those commas.

She flipped through the whole thing, but her thumb didn’t stop at any page like it had the last time.

The italized part sounds a little strange to me in that sentence. Techinically, if it stopped, it would be between two pages. Not just one.
So I think it would sound better if it was at any of the pages.

He held the book with both hands, his fingers going white at the tips he was pressing so hard on it.

I think you left out a word here, between tips and he. Where would be a good word that would make sense there.

She glanced at him and was no longer able to keep a strait face.

It's supposed to be spelled as straight. Or is the English version spelled like that?

Just one more time..... - You know that was only her second time. The first time it was Macbeth, and then she went to find the art book. Maybe add some more books or so. After only twice, I would still think it as a coincidence.

Overall, I thought this was a sweet and good story. Good job again, Rosey!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

*Cat

Here as per request ^^

Feel free to come back and leave me another piece to review, anytime.

Only today was Thursday.

Today was a Thursday would sound better.

Clair grumbled as she set her books down at her unofficial table. Stupid mid-terms.

To say history was her least favourite class was an understatement.

How is this an understatement? Whether she dislikes it, hates it, or absolutely loathes it, it still is her least favourite class all the same.

General note: Go hrough your story and see how often you use the word "book" ^^ and then do something about it.

It's cute how she meets the guy, and that they can help eachother out with studying, though I think you could add a bit more emotion and atmosphere to that scene. It's a bit telling rather than showing, at moments. I didn't realize it was going to take a romantic turn, so that was a nice twist in the storyline. Well done.

Her following the clues around is very cool, especially when it unexpectedly comes to the message "Turn around" rather than another call number. Nice ^^ you made it an interesting read. This is for a contest, yes? I've heard of that one. Good luck with it!

*Gold star* This is a cool story, m'dear.

XxxDo

Hi Rosey You have done so many reviews for me on my story, I thought I might try and help where I can too- although this story does seem pretty polished already

It was an all-too familiar place for her to spend weekends.

I think this sentence might work better with a her before weekends.

Whoever had left the book could pick it up again and not have to disturb her.

I'd change this sentence a little, instead of 'and not have to' maybe 'without having to' would work better.

This time, Clair didn’t waste any time. She went through the library’s shelves to find a copy of the play. Once she found it she flipped through the pages. This time her thumb stopped near the end.

You begin with 'This time' twice in this paragraph so I'd change one of them. I think you could rephrase the last two sentences, they sound a bit robotic. Something like 'Retrieving the book, she began flipping through the pages. Her thumb stopped just before the end.' might flow easier.

Whoever had left those pieces of paper in the books knew her classes and which one was her favourite.

I think that's a bit of a jump from thinking it was a coincidence to thinking they knew her favourite lessons- especially as they give two other books so if they did know her lessons it could be completely random that they got her favourite. Instead of 'which one was her favourite' you could say something about them knowing which she needed to study for.

Disappointed that the book was a dead end and relieved she could go back to her table and forget about this

I'd change and to yet with a comma after end.

Clair ducked her head and quickly picked up the fallen book.

Instead of head I'd say 'ducked down'- just my preference

Clair raised an eyebrow.

I'd replace an with one, again just because to me that sounds better.

“Do you want to study with me?” she asked, not wanting to stay on this subject much longer.

I wouldn't really say that she would offer to study with him because she didn't want to stay on the subject and that's how this sentence kind of comes across. Maybe before things got awkward?

Overall comments: This is a really sweet piece, I love the idea

I think you quite a few times repeat 'went' and 'this time' where they could be replaced with more interesting actions or words so I'd go back through your work and see where you could do that. A few times some of the sentences seemed to be just showing actions where more detail could be used to make it more interesting.

I don't think you need to develop the main character any more as its quite a short piece and works nicely as it is I do think it might benefit the story though if you described more about the boy- from the way he is gripping the book I get the sense that he's nervous but maybe describing how his face looks would be good- does he blush or avoid eye contact?

I'm not sure if you should have the main character asking what school he goes to either- I think it would make the rest more plausible if she vaguely knew him, as otherwise it just seems a bit stalkerish and you wouldn't really want to invite someone to study with you who you didn't know. Even if she just knew the sight of him I think that might be more realistic.

I like how the story pans out- lovely ending too so nothing I think could be changed there and I didn't notice anything wrong with punctuation either!

I really enjoyed reading this- all my comments are just suggestions so ignore me if you want, hope I've helped! *star*

Hi Rosey Unicorn! Nice to meet you at last xD

[My Overall Impressions]

I'm so glad this was not cliche-ridden. It was, thankfully, original and very cute. There needs to be more fiction like this, where the protagonist is a book-reader and not a bubble-brained ditz. I had an inkling this might follow the usual path of girl-meets-boy, blahblah, but this was (there's no escaping it) absolutely adorable. I mean, we can get all smug and say it was a bit teen-lit, hardly deep or profound, but so what? This does not pretend to be an intellectual read. It's cute. I want to meet a boy in the library!
Anyhoo, let's continue...

[Clair?]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but is that a name? If it is, sorry. But I just wanted to draw a little 'e' at the end of her name every time I saw it To my knowledge, it's Claire or Clare, but then again I'm up for correction.

[The Notorious Nit-picks]

Clair sighed as she walked into the neighbourhood library. It was an all-too familiar place for her to spend weekends. Only today was Thursday. Clair grumbled as she set her books down at her unofficial table. Stupid mid-terms.


Clair nodded to the librarian as she went to the History section. She needed to read some book about Alexander the Great for a test later in the week. To say history was her least favourite class was an understatement. Clair would have rather not taken the boring class at all, but it was mandatory for grade eleven students. She shook her head as she lugged the book to her table.

Righty-ho. Nothing major here... just that I think you began too many sentences with 'Clair'. This is something that sustains throughout. I believe it is only acceptale to use the character's name so often when there is more than one character in the particular scene. Otherwise the reader gets irritated. I did.

When she got back to her table she stopped.

Comma after 'table'.

He held the book with both hands, his fingers going white at the tips he was pressing so hard on it.

I love this! Allows us a little peep at his character in a subtle manner.


[So...]

As you can see, I was rather at a loss to what to nit-pick. One thing that concerned me was the abundance of her thoughts in italics. That was over-kill. However, wierdly enough, I found them more enjoyable to read than the third-person narrative. Odd, huh? There are just so many of them that they detract from the text. As a consequence, I personally think this story would be better wholly in the first-person. Hehe!

Lauren

Here as requested, Rosey!

Clair

Ha, I agree with lhighton. Forgive me if I'm wrong (maybe this is a Canadian thing?), but to my knowledge the name is spelled with an 'e' at the end. Claire. Eh, it's not a major nit-pick, just thought I'd mention it.

It was an all-too familiar place for her to spend weekends. Only today was Thursday. Clair grumbled as she set her books down at her unofficial table. Stupid mid-terms.

Okay, so this concept of her being familiar with the library is never extended.
I don't really like this beginning because you basically start out by saying: "She hates the library. She loves it on weekends. It's Thursday."
This is being really nit-picky, but it just bothered me that she would spend her free time there, but acts like she hates it as well?

^^ That probably made no sense.

Oh well.

What this beginning does need is description. It's a bit bland at this point. Think about walking into a library. That familiar rush of artificial cold air. The still hush engulfing you. The light rustle of pages being turned.

Description in the first line is key -- it draws the reader into the story.

She needed to read some book about Alexander the Great for a test later in the week.

First of all, I think you should get read of the word some. I know you are trying to show contempt for the book, but you are the unbiased narrator!

When writing in third person, pretend you are watching the events unfold through a window. It is your job to portray the events to the audience/readers exactly as you see them. This means no personal musings. ^_^
Clair can think, Agh, what a stupid book!, but you, oh narrator, should not.
Leave the independent thought to your characters.

Also, it seemed unrealistic to me that she would have one week to read a book for a test. If she is researching Alexander the Great for a paper, fine. A project? That's good as well. A test? Eh... I'd change it.

Rosey, dear, I'm afraid it's ten o' clock, and my mother is yelling at me.

Review part to shall come tomorrow, ja?



Hope this helped,
Sakura

To be continued...

Wow, you left me hanging! Darn. I really was getting into it. I enjoyed that a lot. I really want to read more. Anyways, for the help. I don't know how much I can do with the help and tips you've received. But I think you should suspend the beginning just a little more and give some background on the MC. I loved it. Keep Going! PLEASE!

Review numero dos:

There was a book already on it.

*Le gasp!* I'll cover this in your overall, but I just thought her reaction to this was a little overblown. Oooh, there's a book on her table! In reality, wouldn't she simply move to another table?

Surely, just looking wouldn’t hurt. After all, she did have a physics test to study for. Even though it wasn’t for another two weeks.

Hmm, methinks Clair should be thinking this. So turn this little bit of telling into her thoughts.

It can't hurt to look at, she told herself, flipping through the pages slowly. I do have a physics test... etc.

After all, I had only been gone five minutes.

She never left the table. She was sitting there reading the whole time, wasn't she?

Okay, strange...

So this is your characters reaction when she finds Macbeth. I feel like she takes this too far. If this happened to me, I would think, "Huh, what a coincidence. Someone from my school was here." Not, "Oh my gosh! This is so weird!"

She’d already wasted half an hour on this silly hunt.

It took her thirty minutes to look up, like, two books?

“No problem. “He

The quotation mark is facing the wrong way; it should be facing the word problem.

not wanting to stay on this subject much longer

Then why did she ask him to study with her? Then she would have to stay with him longer.

Overall

This was a sweet piece, Rosey.

My only problem was the unrealisticness. In today's world, most girls would be really freaked out if I strange boy left them notes. Also, the timing of the notes and Clair finding them worked out too perfectly.

What I mean is, in order to plant those notes, Daniel would have had to:

--Known Clair was going to the library
--Known she was going to find the bookmark in the physics book
--Known she was going to sit at the table with the book on it
--Known she was going to go searching for the other books

It just seems like it worked out too seamlessly. What if another patron at the library had found the notes? What if Clair had ignored the notes?

It was a cute story in the end, but I was thinking about how unlikely it was to actually happen..

Hope this helped,
Sakura

*Evi alert!*

Aww, Rosey, this was so sweet! I think it was a wonderful idea, something very clever that I would never have thought of. Sorry for the delay. I don't have much time tonight, so this might seem a bit rushed/insane/rambling.

I'm not going to go into nit-pick mode with you today. I simply haven't the time, dear. *sigh*

First of all, I think you could afford to have this expanded. There are so many things you could do with a scavenger hunt besides a bookmark in a book. You have a nice little love story here, but adding steps to the scavenger hunt would entertain us a bit more. That said, there's nothing wrong with the length right now-- I just think that it could stand to be longer.

Charactarization?

Meh, what can I ask you to do? It's a short story, and there's only so much characterization you can stuff in here. I think you did very well with your two characters, all things considered, except maybe a bit more stuttering for Daniel and more reactions from Clair. Does her heart accelerate as she finds the second clue? Is the boy behind her kind of cute, even before he's said anything? And has she ever noticed him at school?

Description

Use more! Seriously, so far I can imagine the plot line perfectly, but not any of the characters or setting. Does the library smell of knowledge, of crinkling pages and stories to be told? Or is the librarian in the corner giving Clair an evil glare? Does her chair scrape against the carpet like the screech of a dying crow, or are soft footsteps echoing around her? See what I mean? You can set the story so much better if you place your readers into your main character's position and let us sense what she's sensing. Daniel can have description other than his appearance, too-- how his eyes dart everywhere in the room except Clair, how he drums his fingers against the air while she's talking, how he visibly relaxes when she asks him to study with her.

Ya?

Talking Heads

They irk me. Yep, I think you should put much more labeling on Daniel and Clair's conversation. Description, like I said, can make or break a piece, and adding some more would make yours fantabulous.

Unrealisticness

I agree with Haruno, but I realize that trying to make it more realistic is impossible, since the unrealisticness makes up the entire story. So, to compensate for these strange events, I will again suggest more reactions from Clair. She should be...well...basically freaking out that this random dude is practically stalking her. Now, it's your choice on whether or not to have her freak out in a good way, as in OMG this super cute and super sweet guy stalked me that's so adorable blah blah, or in a not-so-good way, as in OMG what is this creep doing he has weird hair I want him to get away how did he know I was coming here.....

And so on and so forth. ^_^

Eek! I must leave now, but I hope this was at least a bit helpful! Keep writing, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi