Thin Ice

With the wave of your hand you say
So what? Tomorrow this will all blow over.
Well I've got some news for you.
Yesterday's tomorrow is today
and your still gonna pay.
Nothing can save you now.
Not a horseshoe or a four-leaf clover.

Skating around on thin ice.
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?
You take a moment to wonder
what your life could have been like,
if you had stopped to think
and hadn't crossed the line

If only, if only you could go back to that night.
If only, if only you could go back into time.
Now you realize that temporary highs,
are nothing but temporary lies in disguise,
fed to you by your so-called friends.
Friends who turn into enemies.
By the end of this ordeal.

Skating around on thin ice
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?
You take a moment to ponder
what your life could have been like,
if you had stopped to think
and hadn't crossed the line


If only, if only you could go back to that night.
If only, if only you could go back into time.
Now you realize that temporary highs
are nothing but temporary lies in disguise fed to you
Correct me if that is not true.
Skating around on thin ice.
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?

Hi!

Myrcei wrote:With the wave of your hand you say I think you should use a instead of the in this line - it's a tiny thing, but it does make a difference.
So what? Tomorrow this will all blow over.
[s]Well[/s] I've got some news for you. I don't like well in poems; it doesn't add anything and it sounds, well, bad.
Yesterday's tomorrow is today Like this.
and you're still gonna pay.
Nothing can save you now.
Not a horseshoe or a four-leaf clover.

Skating around on thin ice.
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?
You take a moment to wonder
what your life could have been like,
if you had stopped to think
and hadn't crossed the line
What about instead of crossing instead of and hadn't crossed in the last line? This is purely suggestion, I just feel like it would sound better. But it's up to you, of course.
If only, if only you could go back to that night.
If only, if only you could go back into time.
Now you realize that temporary highs, Ditch this comma.
are nothing but temporary lies in disguise, This one too.
fed to you by your so-called friends.
Friends who turn into enemies.
By the end of this ordeal.
Okay, so the ice/nice rhyme in the previous stanza is okay, but I really don't like the highs/lies/disguise rhyme. I think because most of the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme, it sounds odd and weird. Whereas the ice/nice rhyme I like because it's more sing-songy, which meshes well with the sarcasm of the isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?
Skating around on thin ice
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?
You take a moment to ponder
what your life could have been like,
if you had stopped to think
and hadn't crossed the line


If only, if only you could go back to that night.
If only, if only you could go back into time.
Now you realize that temporary highs
are nothing but temporary lies in disguise fed to you
Correct me if that is not true. [b]I really don't like this rhyme either. I don't really like this line, to be honest - the correct me doesn't fit the tone of a poem narrator who seems so sure of what she's saying, you know?
Skating around on thin ice.
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?

Overall - Quite sorry if that sounded harsh, dear, but I really do like this poem. It's a great sentiment, one that everyone can relate to, and as I said before I like the ice/nice lines. I feel like they shouldn't work but...they do! So good work. My suggestions are above; they are just that, suggestions, and of course it's all up to you! But I think they would take this poem from good to excellent.

Keep writing, and PM me if you need anything!
-Mars

With the wave of your hand you say
"So what? Tomorrow this will all blow over."
Well (comma here) I've got some news for you.
Yesterday's tomorrow is today
and your (you're) still gonna (going to) pay.
Nothing can save you now.
Not a horseshoe or a four-leaf clover.

I can tell where you're trying to rhyme, dear. I'm not sure, though, it's quite working out for you. It's one thing to do a pattern of rhyming (AABB...ABCB...ABAB..) but it's another thing to distribute rhyming lines throughout a stanza, with no obvious scheme. See what I mean? You have 'say', 'today', and 'pay' that all rhyme, but then you have 'over' and clover'? There is no pattern. They rhyme, yes; they just don't rhyme evenly or consistently.

Apart from rhyme, this stanza is nice.

Skating around on thin ice.
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice? Ooh, I like this.
You take a moment to wonder
what your life could have been like, how your life could have been, maybe?
if you had stopped to think
and hadn't crossed the line

'Kay, so I like this stanza a lot. You just rhyme the first two lines, which totally works, and leave the other four without rhyme...unless the fourth line rhymes? Eek, well then, that would ruin my theory. See my suggestion on that line?

If only, if only you could go back to that night.
If only, if only you could go back in[s]to[/s] time. Did you do the repetition purely to lengthen the lines in an attempt to even up the syllable count? Meh. No need. They're just filler words; the repeating of 'if only' doesn't really do anything for you or your poem.
Now you realize that temporary highs,
are nothing but temporary lies in disguise, Ooh. Nice.
fed to you by your so-called friends.
Friends who turn into enemies.
By the end of this ordeal.

This seems very choppy to me. You have no apparent rhythym, which, while not completely necessary, can help hold a piece together just as well as rhymes. In this stanza you fall back into your lack of rhyming pattern, but I suppose that's a personal choice you've made.

Skating around on thin ice
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?
You take a moment to ponder
what your life could have been like,
if you had stopped to think
and hadn't crossed the line

Again, I like this stanza. The repetition is nice, actually. It emphasizes this part, and sort of ties the entire poem all together, methinks.

If only, if only you could go back to that night.
If only, if only you could go back into time.
Now you realize that temporary highs
are nothing but temporary lies in disguise [s]fed to you [/s]
Here, I don't like the repetition. It's one thing to repeat one stanza-- the most important stanza --but it's another thing entirely to go writing the same poem twice. The emphasis you put on the first stanza that you repeated is lost by repeating this one. So, otherwords? Cross all of this out and come up with something fresh.
Correct me if that is not true. I like this, but...how about adding another line above/below to make it longer? Like,

'Correct me, my dear, if this isn't true
But you're stuck in the clouds.'

Skating around on thin ice.
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it nice?

Eek! That's a lot of suggestions! You don't have to take all of them, but, as it is, this poem is a bit choppy. However! I love your main point about thin ice. The key is tying to entire poem together around that one point; make it your centerpeice. Nothing in the poem talks about what thin ice really means-- walking dangerous grounds, or doing something very risky. The poem talks about going back in time, and friends/enemies...but nothing about danger. If you look deeper into your analogy, you'll find that you have so much towork with!

PM me if you need anything clarified!

~Evi

Hello.

Ok. Let's start on this. First stanza was rather confusing. The first lines were indifference but it shifted so quickly into warning then luck. I think the ideas are kinda cramped.
In terms of structure though, it's flawless. Flows well.

Er... just wanted to explain why I found the first stanza confusing. This is rather sad because this poem used simple language without all those mind-boggling alliterations and vocabulary descriptions from the depths of the underworld. This is just an opinion but there's a desperate tone in this poem and I believe the lines go well with it but this also means that the lines seem to run into each other scattering ideas and such. It's just that in the first stanza one line is a different idea from another. Not that I'm saying all lines have to be about one thing. That's utter nonsense but I think at least a few links would help?

The rest of it is alright. It's ok but it isn't very vivid. However, on the concept of this poem: great. Anyway, 'twas a good read. Keep writing and this is good but everything has room for improvement.

--Knightly