if you dont dance, well then your gonna die

well, there sits a man
in the corner of the room
and he just wont dance
to the light of the moon


so he just croaked
cause if you dont dance
well then your gonna die

and down the street
the woman walks alone
but she wont dance
to busy on the phone

she got hit by a car
cause if you dont dance
well then your gonna die

and on the dance floor
the man is bustin moves
because he understands

if you dont dance
well then your gonna die.

um. well.....interesting concept...? i acctually really like it, but its shallow, lacking in a point, and very amuzing. love it. =D



(wait...why do they die if they dont dance???)

oh, and there is no consistant rhyming at all. and if i even mention anything about the punctuation, you're gonna kill me. sooo...yeah. let me know if you actually want me to review this in depth...cause you tend to not take corrections very well.

=)

-Clue.

Okay. So now for the serious one. No offence meant by what I am about to say.






well, there sits a man ---okay, first of all, you NEED to use punctuation. I don't care how much you hate it or think it's crap, but i generally stop reading a poem if its unwell punctuated. just cos it makes it...boring. idk. haha. sorry, but i think your poems would be SOOO much better with it. No kidding. try it, just once.

in the corner of the room
and he just wont dance
to the light of the moon --good rhyme. i like it.


so he just croaked
cause if you dont dance
well then your gonna die --this is choppy, add a few more lines, try to make it rhyme, at least a lil.

and down the street
the woman walks alone
but she wont dance
to busy on the phone --to should be too.

she got hit by a car
cause if you dont dance
well then your gonna die --same thing as the other choppy, unrhyming stanza.

and on the dance floor
the man is bustin moves
because he understands

if you dont dance
well then your gonna die.--nice ending.


i attempted to do an in depth, but actually now i have zero time. sorryyy...=(


--clue.

This is an interesting piece and a lively concept. But, it is lacking in depth and emotion. None the less, it is very amusing but, to me there seems no point, why dot hey die if they don't dance? Is it because there lives are to dull and stressing that they can't find something good in the world? Describe the meaning to us please. This could be good if you added more detail. Keep writing!

well you see, we had to write a poem about death for my L.A. class.

most kids were depressing and dreary. but if we cant laugh at death, what can you laugh at.

the point is, there is no point. dont look at poetry to hard, or you might end up going blind.

dont take life to seriously, its not permanent.

--mark--

I loved the concept
It reminded me the song "Human" by the killers (because their the KILLERS and they say are we human or are we DANCERS) okay well it was funny to me

* Not everything has to overflow with emotion, emotionless is technically an emotion but it would of been more humourous if you rhymed die with something, it just didnt click in my head the first time i read it. And i know how people stress about punctuation, and i'm really not one of them, but simple things like periods and commas wouldnt kill the piece. You dont have to go crazy and add a !!!! (ooo scary) hahaha

i love your view on the world and what not, dont take life seriously its not permanent. I really would enjoy seeing what goes on in your head.

Anyway this is a really nice piece, pm me when you write something else like this (i'll read your previous stuff too)

- Leyah

If you dont like life hold your breath, it'll be over in a few seconds

*Well, there sits a man
in the corner of the room(.)
(remove and) He just wont dance
to the light of the moon


(S)o he just croaked
cause(') if you dont dance,
well then your gonna die(.)

(A)nd down the street
the woman walks alone(,)
but she wont dance
too busy on the phone(.)

(S)he got hit by a car
cause(') if you dont dance
well then your gonna die(.)

(A)nd on the dance floor
the man is bustin(') moves
because he understands
(delete this space)
if you dont dance(,)
well then your gonna die.

Hey Hobbes! I'm shina and I'll be your reviewer today

As you can see I fixed a lot of the punctuation and structure in the actual poem. I don't think I need to justify them since they are pretty obvious.

Overall Idea Of the Poem: This poem is hilarious in an LIM way (laughing in mind). It seriously made me want to dance. I don't want to die! Don't listen to some people who might tell you a poem like this is nonsensical nonsense or whatever. Poems don't have to be all deep and full of meaning. They can be easy, quick, and funny. I wrote a poem about a mustache. Oh yeah. It was amazing!

That's all I can say.
~Shina

I enjoyed the piece. It was like the lighter side of death. The concept was fresh also. And whoever said that all poetry needs punctuation? Sometimes I use it sometimes I don't. Also the rhyming wasn't flowing too well but that doesn't matter. Who writes depressing poetry all the time anyway?