A few poems i wrote out of utter boredom :D

Sorry if some words are spelt wrong, check spelling isn't working right this
moment, for me anyway...Most of the poems i write
(that are extremely crappy if you've noticed) are filled with sadness and
anguish that Ive felt in the past. Its easier for me to write them depending on how I'm feeling.

Broken Love. </3

I wish you could stay, but you can't.
You say you'll come back, that everything will be alright..
But why do I feel like
I'm going to be alone for more than one night?
You said you loved me, but how could that be? You left me,
I see you found someone else to love, to kiss, to hold, your lies were getting old.
I was told to let you go, that you were just a phase. Like a new day,
I moved on. But the bullet you put through my heart still stays.
For endless days I'll want you. Need you. Miss you. I know my emotions for you are deep,
that the bullet in my heart is steep, and i know that the only thing that i cannot keep.. Is you.
Put a bullet through my heart, and go back to the start, to love someone else.

( No, ive never have a 'bullet through my heart' experince, but i just thought of it..)


Grieve For Death.

Eyes stained with tears, held blackend fears,
caused pain like spears, piercing my heart for every person lost.
Start a new day, make the tears go away. Pull the pain, let it drain.
Let utter happiness fill you up until the loss of another loved one comes again.
- r.i.p - Loving wife, Mother, and Grandmother. My Great Grandmother


Feelings of utter bitterness.

Hiding my fears, my nightmares. Eyes contain horrid sights,
replay horrid nights, scary frights.
My emotions are locked away, time to play.
Place a fake smile, convince myself its real for a while. I'll cry when i'm alone,
when no one's home. I'll let my emotions out on paper, and come back to them later.

Well, hope you enjoyed reading theese as much as i enjoyed writing 'em !

Don't knock on yourself so much. Especially since you really are good. And also because if you keep talking about how bad it is it makes people not want to read it.

Anyway. You have a really unique style.I like it. at first I saw the format and I was like 'I am not going to liike this' but I did.

I personally loved the way you wrote it almost like a letter for the last too. But the first one would sound better in 'traditional' poetry form.

And on the on the second poem that you wrote. Instead of writing R.I.P. grandma you should consider using a person's name or maybe the entire phrase that would be on a tombstone. Like 'RIP (name). Loving wife, mother and grandmother) Something o that effect.

Oh---and post one poem at a time. Not a clump of three.(It's easier on the reader.)

Good Job!

I pretty much agree with Myrcei.
I love the first poem, only it would be nice if you didn't
really stretch the page. But that's okay.
And maybe some similies would be FAB.
But other wise, I LOVE poem #1.

Hi there dear! Welcome to YWS!
I am going to have to disagree with the two above.. poetry does not have a "traditional" format. It has one format, and that's the stanza scheme. I advice you to put all your poems in that way, because this isn't in poetry format it's in narrative format.

In the third line of the first paragraph of the first poem the last line's rhyme seems forced.

I absolutely adored the second poem! I would even love it if it was in stanzas.

The third one:

My emotions are locked away, time to play.

This line is awkward, as if the words after the comma don't fit with the previous affirmation.
I liked this one too.

Overall: These are good. Not expetacular, but good. Revise the scheme and keep up with the good work!

*Kat*

P.S: PM if you need anything!

Hey!

(that are extremely crappy if you've noticed)

I don't think they're extremely crappy. Actually, if I read them, and then read this, it might make me rethink my opinion of them. Either way, they'll get better! Let's get started.

Broken Love
Wow! I like this, but I do a problem with it. First of all, the deep/steep rhyme - I don't like this because none of the rest of the poem rhymes, and it seems out of place, and I don't think a bullet can be steep?
Otherwise, I really like it. I think it might sound better if it was broken up a little more - some of the lines are long, and since it's fairly short it wouldn't hurt to use more line breaks. It would make the poem sound nicer.
Grieve for Death
I like this one too! The rhyme is weird, but I think it works somehow. I would, however, ditch the first comma and the smiley at the end. And I don't like pull the pain, let it drain because I'm not sure what it means, but still, this is nice.
Feelings of utter bitterness
Again, I'm not sure how your rhyme scheme works, but it works, with the exception of the paper/later. I just really, really do not like that line, it's too long and messes up the rhythm. But, again, it was good.

Finally, the suggestion I have for all three is to read them over again. You need to capitalize those I's, dear, and maybe play around with rhythm and formatting. PM me if you need any help, and keep it up!