Still waiting

STILL WAITING

do you remember?
the day we talked at phone !
i was so happy to hear your amazing voice
it was the first time that i talked to you !
it cost me a lot of brave to speak to you !
but your girlfriend was behind you !
and she was saying rude jerk word!
and u gave me yout email !
u said u gonna talk to me at net !
but i was wishing if more more happened !
But you promised me that u gonna came !
to school and talk to me a lot !




And i still waiting that day !
still waiting to be with you !
i wanna told you that i love you !!
i love you i love youuuuuuuuuuuu!
and u don't know hat i am thinking all the day !
about you only only you !



i am always depressed ,
because i am not with you !
i cry all the night because i am not kissing you !
i wanna huge and say i love you !
but you have this GF,
and she don't like you !!



And i still waiting that day !
still waiting to be with you !
i wanna told you that i love you !!
i love you i love youuuuuuuuuuuu!
and u don't know hat i am thinking all the day !
about you only only you !

Welcome to YWS, fifita! I'm Evi. You can PM me if you need any help around.

First of all, hun, read The Rules. They are our YWS commandments, and if I don't get onto you about it, someone else will.

First of all-- the 2:1 ratio. Important stuff, really. That means that for every piece of writing/art you post, you must have critiqued at least two other members' posted work also. It's our way of preventing the YWS economy from crashing.

*gasp* No crits yet? Then, m'dear, you must be on your way to take a look at some of your lovely fellow-member's wonderful writing!

But, since you're so knew, I'll go ahead and give you your review anyway.

Capitalization is key

Truly, it is. Here at YWS we adore capitalization. And grammar is nice, too. As well as proper spelling, and punctuation. It may take some getting use to, but we try to remain as grammatically correct as possible everywhere we post, be it the community forums or the literary forums. That meansno chatspeak, like 'ppl' for 'people' or 'u' instead of 'you'. We are a writers' site, after all!

You don't capitalize here. Bad move, dear. We pounce on those sort of errors. And being grammatically correct is basically the easiest part-- writing the poem itself tends to be more difficult!

Punctuation

Eek! All those exclamation marks! No one will take your poem seriously without some proper grammar, m'dear. You must rid yourself of the extra exclamations and punctuate properly.

do you remember?
the day we talked at phone !

The day we talked on the phone, you mean.

it cost me a lot of brave to speak to you !

A lot of bravery.

and she was saying rude jerk word!

You can do better than this, right? Something like, 'and words laced with venom were spilling from her mouth'. See? Much more poetic. Poems aren't just a bunch of random words thrown together in various assortments. They needs meaning behind them. Not to mention they have to make some ounce of sense.

You know, sweetie, I can't even take this seriously. You really need to re-read your poetry, and read some of the poetry on here. We've got some amazing poets with great depth and skill; you could learn a lot just by reading poetry. Here, you have whole words left out. Every line is choppy, with no apparent flow or rhythym. There's nothing...poetic here.

However! Don't fret. Pardon the blunt honesty, but that's how we do things here. I think you have such a powerful subject to work with --the thrill of first love-- and this poem could be great revised once you get some tips and read other poetry. See how rythym works, and experiment with rhyming. Learn the grammar basics. Then, write away!

PM me if you need help getting around, dear.

~Evi