The Circle

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 321
Death checks her watch with hollow eyes
(blackened pits)
things having been buried inside
(bones).
Green becomes black, day grows old.
Fire feathers flutter to the ground. Ashes enfold.

O dear look at these red welts, I have
never seen such doors to horror,
like lifting a rock and exposing the raw skin of the dirt
(bleeding black grains, blood which sings
and reproduces willingly, sweetly, madly).
Mad love is this heartbeat which
thuds and thumps like broken clockwork.

Shining eye of the sun
beats down like fire feathers and
pours red and orange hotness onto all the
blueness and greeness of the cool, sleepy world.

Golden moon and silver sun pass without words.
So extremely flammable are these minutes,
moments on the clock which tick
by, echoing into the cavernous silence,
snatching every word
catching every breath in its throat.
Beautiful, inquisitive white sky climbs
(down no ladder) to the ground.

Death checks her watch with replete eyes
(rubbish dumps)
things having been forced inside
(flesh).
Black becomes white, day grows young.
Rain feathers pirouette to the ground. Tomorrows are hung.
purple sneakers




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 18178
Reviews 1259
So extremely flammable are these minutes,
moments on the clock which tick
by, echoing into the cavernous silence,


I love the poem, the only bit I dislike was this. I don't like the fact "by" is on the next line, I think it should be placed back onto the above one. Also I don't like the start of the line with "So".

Otherwise very good.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 85
I like this...it reminds me of a Neil Gaiman novel. The personification of death, that is. One suggestion- expand the last sentence, 'tommorows are hung.' Its just the coolest image... since I assume you meant the necktie party kind of hung. Expand on that.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 54
Like Firestarter, the fact 'by' is on the next line makes it sound off. But other then that, its really good and belongs in the dramatic poetry forum. :)




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 11
you cram too many big words together. i felt like i was being hit when i read it. i liked the first and last stanzas, although i just wanted the middle part to get over with.

be succinct.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1114
Reviews 6
I really loved this poem. The personification of Death was extremely powerful. The use of brackets was original and added to the shock factor.

I disagree that you used to many words. I myself am a word junkie, and I loved the rich word choice of your poem.

I also liked the unconventional structure, it wasn't cookie cut into equal-sized stanzas. I thought this was effective in creating a jerky, scary type of tone.

My favourite part was where you dropped references to shining stars, moons and skies among all the morbid blood and gore. Contrast is awesome!

To summarize: two thumbs up!



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington