Pathless

I've never really written a poem quite like this before, so I'm kind of nervous to be honest...Okay, here goes:

My mind is a pathless forest.
My soul, a birch in bloom.
My life is the wandering journey.
My heart, the blooming flower.

I wander for years without number,
My light, the shine of the moon.
No daylight crosses my path
And I see merely feet before me.

When have I been more lost
Yet more trusting in what's to come?
When have I been more faithful
And yet more wanting of change?

Never have I been this way before.


- Winter

I really liked this. Especially your second stanza. This poem flowed really well.

This is a great topic to write about. The last stanza before the last line took my breath away. It was heartbreaking. It was like hope amongst hopelessness. I felt the emotions in this poem so great job.

Anyway, as to the message of your poem: very well delivered.

Sorry, I know that this is hardly a review.

All in all, brilliant.

Hey there Meow! Welcome to YWS *late*! I'm June and I am going to review this for you.

Before I begin, I want to mention that it's better to post in black font (Meaning, leaving it plain). If you want to post in color fonts, it's fine to do so in the community forums or reviews, but it's better to refrain from using it in your literature posts.

And, same goes for smilies, dear.

Anyway, that's beyond the point... here we go!

• I love the imagery you're using here; it's peaceful and it's giving a solemn tone to the poem while painting vivid pictures.

My mind is a pathless forest.

My soul, a birch in bloom.←

My life is the wandering journey.

My heart, the blooming flower.←

• Watch your punctuation, dear! If you bring us to a full stop with a period on each line, then you're making us think you're writing in fragments. Alternatively, you should have a comma at the end of the first line, a semicolon on the next; a comma on the third line, and then the fourth line is where the period should go.

If I'm unclear, it's this:

-- ,
-- ;
--,
--.


• Pay attention to the lines where I stuck the arrow, dear. In the second line you use "bloom", and in the last line you use "blooming". Generally speaking, it's not liked to use repetition of a word or phrase in poetry unless it's being used for a rhythmic effect. Whip out that thesaurus! Use a synonym or another word to convey the same meaning, dear.


* *

I wander for years without number,

My light, the shine of the moon.

No daylight crosses my path

And I see merely feet before me.

• Okay! So! This first line, I'm assuming means something like, you're wandering for countless years, but! It sounds confusing. I had to read it twice to understand that you're not talking about something else. It's kind of distracting, because, we understand that when you begin a new stanza, the ideas will change slightly, but! This is kind of abrupt if we can't understand it.

Also, the same goes for the next few lines. I think that they can all be reworded to still sound simple, still carry the same message, and still have the delicate flow that you're using here.

"The shine of the moon" sounds somewhat strange to me. I know what you mean, but perhaps you can substitute "shine" with "glow" or another, more radiant word, dear.


• The punctuation here should be the same as I suggested for the first stanza, dear.

* *

When have I been more lost

Yet more trusting in what's to come?

When have I been more faithful

And yet more wanting of change?



Never have I been this way before.

Forgive me if I sound too nitpicky in this review, but there's a few things in here that can use clarification.

• In the first line, I'm not sure if "lost" is the word that will give this the best meaning. It sounds a little shaky; almost undecided when it's used here.

The same goes in the last line. I understand what you mean by using faithful, but the meaning of the words are just too broad-- it's a little hard to focus.


* * *


Overall, the meaning behind this poem is really strong. You've transferred it's message very well here. Some words, as I mentioned above, seemed a bit too "broad". By that, I mean that there is more than one way you can use that word, and perhaps the more common way of using it comes to mind first, therefore altering the flow of it a bit. I'm not sure if that's exactly what you were going for.

Aside from all of my harsh, grammar freaky nitpicks, I really did enjoy this. Good job!

I look forward to seeing more of your work around here. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

June

Hello, Meow!!

First off, I really liked the poem! Excellent imagery and metaphors.

I have to agree with Springrain; the punctuation a the end of each verse brings the reader to unnecessary stops, and usually a period symbolizes end the stanza.

My mind is a pathless forest.

My soul, a birch in bloom.

My life is the wandering journey.

My heart, the blooming flower.

Change one of the 'bloom' words.

I wander for years without number,

My light, the shine of the moon.

No daylight crosses my path

And I see merely feet before me.

I thought that this stanza was very strong with all the imagery. However, in the second and third lines you use the word 'light.' I would suggest changing one of them to make the lines less redundant.

When have I been more lost

Yet more trusting in what's to come?

When have I been more faithful

And yet more wanting of change?



Never have I been this way before.

As Springrain stated, the meanings of some of the words is broad, but I think it flows nicely with the poem.


---

This was an excellent poem! You conveyed your meaning exceptionally well with imagery and metaphors. It's obvious that you have a lot of talent! The only thing that I think needs to be changed is the punctuation at the end of each verse and the redundancy in the second stanza. Overall, excellent! Spectacular job


--Alex

"bravo, bravo, bravo, lyric to kill" is what we will call that in my country.

i love the flow of this poem, this could be turned into a song or something,

as you said this is your first time doing something like this i would like to encourage you to continue doing a good job.

as old people in my country does say; and i wanna say it to you, "practise makes perfect" so keep up the good work and continue down the path you are on to a successfully ending.







feel free to comment on my written pieces, give me some tips and guidelines so my poems and other writings can be as good as yours. thank you in advance


KaribbeanDiva