~Addicting Poison - chapter 3~

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Chapter three

There; behind the desk, was Landon. He was the oldest in this family, the one who gave this family life. He was broad-shouldered and had black hair. His eyes were the most alluring color: a light green like a cat’s. But beneath those weird looks and rough looks was the heart of a gentle man. I could see why Odette loved him so much. As I walked closer to the desk, I noticed the weary lines in his sharp face.

He has had a bad day, I thought, stating to myself only what Adelicia said moments ago. I set the glass down on a table before I sat down on the chair beside it. He looked up from his work.

“Adelicia said that you want to see me about something,” I said. He put his pen back and looked through what appeared to be letters. Mail, perhaps.

“Here,” he said as he held out an envelope to me. I got up and took it from him. The seal was still intact. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“You know I don’t go through mail unless it’s addressed to me. That-” he nodded to the letter in my hand, “ is addressed to you.”

“To me, but why?” I asked as I took my seat again. I never got letters in the mail before because I always received e-mails and just checked them at school.

“Look at the address and you'll probably know why,” he said as he laced his fingers together and leaned back in his chair. I turned the envelope over and looked at the address.

“1315 Brick Street. London, England,” I said aloud as I read. “The council? What do they want?” he shrugged.

“Read the letter and let’s find out,” he suggested as he looked at me, curiously. His black eyes sent a shiver down my spine. I opened the letter and read it. My mouth formed into a frown and my nose crinkled.

“What is it?” he asked as he looked at my face. I got up and handed him the letter. I perched myself on one of the corners of his desk and watched him. His facial expression shocked me. He threw down the letter in disgust.

“Who the hell do they think they are?” he muttered. Landon was never really aloud person and I except that he was keeping quiet for me.

I sighed and got up. I began to walk around, looking anywhere but at him. “They are the ruling body of our people, Landon. You would know. You are in the council,” I said as my fingers skimmed the spine of a book. Landon’s study was also our library.

“Yes, but I haven’t been in their presence in years,” he said, “ I can’t believe that they are sending over a mate for you. Don’t they have faith that you will get one on your own?”

“It doesn’t matter because I am not going to accept him,” I said as I turned and looked at him, “The council can’t and will not rule my life.”

He stood up and walked to me. He petted my hair and gave me a fatherly kiss on the forehead. “I hope you know what you are getting into,” he whispered.

“ I do,” I said. He just nodded at me. “Is there anything else?”

“No. You may go. I believe Avery and Claiborne are home,” he stated as he went back to his desk and sat down. I grabbed my glass before opening the door and closing it behind me. I walked down the hallway and stairs. I was about to turn the corner to go into the kitchen, when Adelicia popped up behind it, scaring another half out of me.

“Damn it, Adelicia!” I exclaimed, clutching my chest. She giggled.

“ I scared you, didn’t I?” she asked as she continued giggling.

“Yeah, you did,” I said. I started to walk into the kitchen, when Adelicia started pulling on my arm. “Now what?” she asked as she turned to the other girl.

“you don’t want to go in there. Avery and Claiborne are at it again,” She said. Avery and Claiborne were my adopted brother and sister and right now, they were engaged in a kissing fest.

I cleared my throat to get their attention. “Um…guys?” I asked. They finally broke apart and looked at me. Avery was a dark-headed male with chiseled features, while Claiborne appeared delicate with her soft features. Both of them came in the family just a couple of years apart. In Claiborne was the one who found Avery when he was dieing from starvation in New York during the Great Depression. After his change, Avery began to follow Claiborne around. From that moment, the family and me knew that they were in love.

“There you are,” Claiborne snapped, “ I have been calling your cell phone for the past ten minutes.”

“Sorry, I forgot it here at home. And besides, you don’t need to worry about me,” I said as I washed out my glass in the sink.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse, Elizabeth. You could have used the library’s phone,” she snapped.
“Claiborne, please. I don’t want to get in a fight,” I said as I looked at her, my eyes stopping at her very large tummy. Claiborne has a rare ability that only a handful of vampires have: the ability to give birth to offspring. And right now, she could just birth at anytime to Avery’s child.

I turned my attention back to the sink and finished. I turned to Adelicia, who had watched the whole thing.

“Do you know when Odette will be home?” I asked.

“No, I don’t,” she answered. I sighed. “What’s wrong, Elizabeth?” she asked.

“It’s nothing to concern yourself with. When she gets home, can you tell her I want to see her?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said, nodding. I put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at her.

“Thanks,” I said as I walked out of the kitchen. I slowly walked up the stairs, when I heard the others talking about me, I stopped to listen.

“What’s with her?” Claiborne said.

“I don’t know, but I bet that it has to do with something Landon told her,” Adelicia replied.

“Landon?” Avery’s voice came into the conversation.

“Yeah, Landon wanted to see her when she got home,” Adelicia explained.

“How did she get home?” Claiborne asked, “Because if I remember correctly I am the one who took her to the library.” I’d heard enough of the conversation and continued walking up the stairs, but not before I heard Adelicia stand up for me.

“It’s not my place to tell you that,” Adelicia said in a stern voice. I smiled to myself as I walked to my room and waited until Odette came home. I approached my window and looked out, remembering my day and then him.

Adam Hart.

I recalled when I first looked upon him I felt attraction; the warm butterfly feeling that warmed me to the bones. I sighed. Ever since I met his. His image can’t leave my mind I thought as I walked away from the window. His blond skewed from running his hand into it to his lithe body. I remembered his warmth as I laid my cheek against his back. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the images.

Try not to think of him my mind told me; after all, he’s only a pathetic human.
Last edited by Night Mistress on Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Very nice again, if any thing at all was wrong with it it was the dialog. It just seemed a little flat to me this chapter but besides that your story continues to interest me. I like how you have developed most of your charecters and best of all I can follow your plot! I hate it when I am reading and the whole story just takes a big turn and totally confuses me. I cant wait for more! Nice job! (maybe you could help me along a little!)
Living in a tower




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Yes! I got here before all the nit-picks were taken! *dances like a three year old*

He was very handsome for his age


But, he's a vampire? Shouldn't age not apply to him?

Describe his features a bit more.

“To me, but why?” I asked as I took my seat again.


Why is she so surprised she's gotten mail? Does she never get letters?

I turned the envelope over and looked at the address.


Put this in the paragraph where she reads the address out loud.

He threw down the letter in disgust.

“Who the hell do they think they are?” he muttered.


So Landon is obviously angry. He throws down letters in disgust and insuilts the council -- and he's muttering? Shouldn't he exclaim or shout this?

I sighed and got up. I began to walk around, looking anywhere but at him.


Put this at the beginning of the paragraph where Elizabeth begins to speak.

“it


Capitalize it.

He stood up and walked to me. He petted my hair and gave me a fatherly kiss on the forehead.

“I hope you know what you are getting into,” he whispered.


Put this in a new paragraph and make it all one sentence.

Damn it Adelicia!” I exclaimed, clutching my chest. She giggled.


Comma after "Damn it".

Avery and Claiborne


Whoa. These characters just came out of nowhere. Give some background on them.

because if I remember correctly I am the one who took her to the library.” I’d heard enough of the conversation and continued walking up the stairs, but not before I heard Adelicia stand up for me.


Capitalize because.

I felt attraction.


"Attraction" is kind of a bland word. Show us how she felt attraction with description.

Overall

Right now you seem to be having a problem with bringing in too many characters at once -- Avery, Claiborne, Adelicia, Landon, Elizabeth, Adam -- yet I hardly know anything about them. What do they look like? What do they sound like? Where did they come from?

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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I agree with Haruno Sakura on her comments - especially the one with Avery and Claiborne. It's very sudden that they aren't mentioned anywhere and suddenly, they are there, so try to introduce them beforehand, even if you just mention their names.

Now, with my corrections, I'll try not to repeat anything Haruno Sakura already said ;)

There, behind the desk, was Landon. He was the oldest in this family, the one who gave this family life. He was broad-shouldered and had black hair. His eyes were the most alluring color: a light green like a cat's eyes. But beneath those weird and rough looks was the heart of a gentle man - I could see why Odette loved him so much. As I walked closer to the desk, I noticed the weary lines in his sharp face.


I never got letters in the mail before because I always received e-mails and just checked them at school.


I perched myself on one corner of his desk and watched him. His facial expression shocked me. He threw down the letter in disgust.

“Who the hell do they think they are?” he muttered. Landon was never really a loud person and I except that he was keeping quiet from me.

I don't really get the last part of this. Do you mean, she expected him to be quiet for her, or what?

Claiborne was the one who found Avery when he was dieing from starvation in New York during the Great Depression. After his change, Avery began to follow Claiborne around. From that moment, me and the family knew that they were in love.


Claiborne had a rare ability that only a handful of vampires have: the ability to give birth to offspring. And right now, she was about to give birth to Avery’s child.

Rephrase the last sentence. I assume she's just pregnant with Avery's child, not actually giving birth to it at that moment.

Remember to stay in past tense when you tell the story. Sometimes, you slip into present tense ;)

Good job,
MySunshine
♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥




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To respond to your question:

When introducing characters you're allowed some telling.

Maybe when Elizabeth comes out of the study, a scene like this could play out...

As I walked toward the door, Adelicia stopped me. "Whoa," she said. "You don't want to go in there -- Avery and Claiborne are having a total kissing fest."
I made a face. "Don't they ever come up for air?" Claiborne and Avery were...

And you explain the characters. :)

Now the reader has some background (don't write a million pages about the introduced characters) and is prepared to read some dialogue with them.

-Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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I'm back :D

But beneath those weird looks and rough looks was the heart of a gentle man.


I wouldn't use "looks" in so close proximity by each other. Maybe try: But beneath that weird countenance and rough looks was the heart of a gentlemen. or something like that.

His black eyes sent a shiver down my spine.


I think you mean “green eyes” instead of “black eyes” :?

Landon was never really aloud person and I except that he was keeping quiet for me.


“a loud” instead of “aloud”
The second half of this sentence is kind of confusing. Maybe try: Landon was never really a loud person and I expected that he was expecting that he was angrier than what he showed for my sake.

And right now, she could just birth at anytime to Avery’s child.


This is an oddly worded sentence. Try something like: And right now, she was prepared to give birth to Avery’s child any day now.

Ever since I met his. His image can’t leave my mind I thought as I walked away from the window.


I would combine these two sentences, like so: Ever since I met him, his image couldn’t leave my mind, I thought, as I walked away from the window.

His blond skewed from running his hand into it to his lithe body.


I’m not sure what you mean by this sentence :? I would be clearer on what you mean here.

~ ~ ~ ~

Good, this rewrite is so much better. I love the new title as well, as I know I’ve told you before. My only concern is for you to watch your tenses. You were messing up again near the end there. I know I bug you about that all the time but the more you work on it, the easier if will get.

Otherwise, this was a very good chapter :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance