This Chaos You Have Caused

Lately its felt like
theres something wrong
with this family.

Theres this presaure
that centers around you.

It causes everything that
was good be lost for ever
but to resurface as a new
problem surfaces on the
face of this chaos.

This day which was
suppose to be a relaxing
day ruined by you causing
mom so much pain.

Then to find out
I am left out of this
so called good news
that you have.

The news I knew would
come but i would be told.

Your engaged to a
women that your friends
do not like.
She treats you like crap and
you ignore it.
You know your family doesn't
like her, shes been rude to
us since the day everyone met her.

You know what she does?
She started this chaos.
She is the one that is
causing us so much problems.

From my point of view
it seems like she is
trying to get in the way of
your relationship with mom.

She blocks every
connection to us and mom.
It makes this hole in moms heart.
This hole is disrespect cause
you have the nerves to screen your
calls so you dont have to deal with her.

You know what it doesn't even
feel like your my brother anymore.

You just seem like an outcast.
Do you remember when i was little
I said I wanted tobe like you?
Well now I dont you cause mom
so much pain it hurts me to say
I want to be like you even
though it also hurts to say I dont .

Well till now I am mixed.
Torn in two by this udder chaos.
I dont know what to do.
I lost all will to live because you
have done this so much to this family.

All I ask of you is that you hear
me out and make the right choice.
The choice to respect mom.
That would make everything much better.

Till now I dont know what to
believe what comes out of your mouth.

It feels like this is all my fault
in some way.
All I can do I suppose is cry
until this stops tearing my
life apart.

This all happened on this date of June 25th,2005.
All true.

Wow! Good to see that someone else is not just a materialistic jerk. Many people are these days. It's good to see someone that cares about the emotions of others, and doesn't just wallow in self pity. Nice poem.

Thanks

Hmm.. It's a little choppy. Other than that it's alright.

I know it skips around becausei wrote it last night at 1 in the morning and i had all these feelings bursting out of me.

WOW!....This is full of emotion and I can see your really upset about your family problems right now. Thumbs up!!

I think its good over all. It is very good especially in terms of imagery but you really need to check your spelling, grammar, and syntax

As far as getting the emotion of the situation on paper, good job. Your pain and concern for your family come across very well. It comes across, though, as something written quickly to get it all out. Now it's time to go back and rework it, polish it up. First thing: spell, grammar. It reads like you haven't looked at it at all since putting it all down. Second: it seems a bit unfocused. Like you are trying to do too much with one poem. I understand that brother hurt mom by announcing engagement to bad girl. Part of the poem is focused on the hurt caused to you and your mom. But, then it switches to bad mouthing the girl. Then it is your relationship with your brother. I know they are all connected, but in the short space allowed by a poem, it makes it seem that the poem is unfocused. What is most important? How this engagement hurts you? Hurts the family? Or why this girl is bad? I think that the 4 stanzas about why she is bad are unnecessary. You just need to establish that she is wrong for the brother and for the family. The main focus of the poem should be on how it affects the family, you. Not why she is bad. Write another poem about what a witch she is if you have to. That one could be fun. Here, I would focus on the family relationships. If she really is such an outsider, don't let her have this big a part in the poem about your family.