Finding You

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This is just something I came up with a few hours ago! Not that great now, but it will be better! So have a read and tell me what you think!! Thanks!!
*Editing thanks to mhmmcolleenx0 and The.Dreamwalker*


The sun shone down onto the old leafy tress that stood tall outside the Math Department of California University. It was a cool spring morning as Maria Jenkins and her 3-year-old daughter Lily made their way through the many teenage students that crowed the building’s front area. Maria pulled the heavy glass door opened and she picked her daughter up so she would not get separated from her. As they maneuvered around more students they came to the classroom door with black letters saying “Max Molloy”. Smiling, Maria knocked, when there was no answer she careful opened the door and stepped in and laid Lily down. Lily excitedly ran around, finding a piece of white chalk and wrote her name on the board.

“Look mommy, I wrote my name, L-I-L-Y!”

“That’s great sweetie, but don’t touch, or erase anything okay? You would not want uncle Max to get mad!” She said to the little blonde hair, blue-eyed girl.

“Okay mommy” Lily said back, and continued to draw little flowers when she discovered a pink piece of chalk. Maria just laughed to herself and took a seat in front of the empty class as she waited for Max to return. She was fiddling with a lose button on her peach spring jacket when she heard a noise outside the door. It was Max talking to somebody, but she could not recognize the other voice.

“Honey, he’s coming, come here!” Maria said to Lily. Lily raced over from the chalkboard, onto her mothers lap and she bounced excitedly.

“When mom?”

“Any second.”

Max opened the door looking down. It was only when he heard Lily shriek did he look up.

“Surprise!” Maria and Lily said in union as they stood up from their chair. Max dropped his leather bag and raced over to hug them both. Lily laughed and hugged him tightly. Maria also hugged the man she considered her brother because they were friends since they were Lily's age.

“I can’t believe you are both here!” Max exclaimed happily. “Did something happen back home?” He said looking at Maria.

“Later” she said to him softly so Lily would not hear. Max nodded. From the door way someone spoke up.

“Well do I get a hug or not?” It was Max’s older brother, Sam.

“Of course Sammy” Maria said as she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. “I missed you too Sam.”

“So did I Maria! Now let me see this other gorgeous little girl.” Sam crouched down to Lily’s level and scooped her up into a bear hug. “How are you princess?” He asked her.

“I’ma good Sammy” Lily replied back, smiling brightly.

After all the hugs and “welcome backs” were over the three of them sat in Max’s classroom chairs, and Lily returned to her drawing’s and began to catch up.

“You look great Maria” Sam said, admiring her fit figure and long brown hair with bright blue eyes to match Lily’s.

“Thanks Sam, so do you!”

“Oh god, stop flirting!” Max explained holding his hands to his ears. Maria punched him playfully in the arm, and laughed. Sam then turned his attention to Lily.

“So, in school yet Lily?” Max asked looking over at her.

“No Uncle Max, I am only three!” she replied back matter of factly.

“Think you might have a budding artist on your hands Maria”, Sam added

They laughed when they heard a knock on the door. Max left his chair to answer it. He opened the door to his girlfriend Anna, and one of Sam’s agent’s, Colby.

“Hey guys” Max said as he kissed Anna on the cheek.

“What? None for me Maxxy?” Colby said punching him lightly in the arm. Max just rolled his grass green eyes at Colby.

At the same time Sam was stretching his neck to find out who it was. He smiled recognizing their voices.

“Their Max’s girlfriend Anna Cruz, and one of my good friends, and agent’s Colby Smith” Maria’s head popped up at the man’s name.

“Colby Smith?” she asked to make sure she heard right.

“Yeah, why?” Sam asked.

“Nothing, look I have to leave, I will see you tonight.” Maria stood up quickly and grabbed her coat and purse.

“Wait, where are you going?” Sam asked, standing up to help her.

“Lily, come here now.” Lily obeyed her mother as she scooped her up. At the same time, Max walked back in followed by Anna and Colby.

“Maria, I’d like you to meet..”

“Maria?” Colby spoke up, seeing her face for the first time in five years. Maria did not say anything, she just pushed passed the three of them and walked quickly down the hall holding Lily.

“Is that Maria Jenkins?” Colby asked with a sense of urgency in his voice. Max and Sam both nodded.

Colby quickly ran out of the classroom and down the hall to catch up with Maria and what he assumed was her child.

“Maria! Maria wait please stop!” Colby yelled to her, pleading with her. Maria stopped when she reached her black Chevy SUV and quickly unlocked it and buckled Lily in her car seat.

“Mommy, why are we leaving?” she looked like she was going to cry.

“Baby, I need you to be good for me okay? We are going to see Max and Sam tonight okay?” Lily nodded as Maria shut the door. She rubbed her forehead and she walked back onto the sidewalk to meet the man that she had loved since the day she saw him.

“Maria, oh my god, it is really you!” Colby said, with a great amount of happiness in his voice. He reached out to hug her but she pulled back.

“Don’t you dare touch me Smith! Not after what you have done!” she almost yelled it at him, and she wanted too, but she remember right in time she was in a public parking lot with a child two meter’s away.

“Maria I..I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry.” Colby’s face fell when he realized she was mad as hell for what he had done to her.

“Don’t be you bastard! I hate you more then you will ever know, and don’t you even think about contacting me! Got it?” Maria semi-yelled at him. He just nodded; looking sadder then she had ever seen him.

She pulled the door to the driver side of her SUV and climbed in. She turned the key and drove off, leaving him there alone.

“Mommy, who was that man?” Lily questioned from the back seat, as she played with the hair of her Barbie doll.

“No one sweetie okay?” Maria replied looking into the rear view mirror at her little girl. Lily just nodded.

While she was driving away Max, Sam and Anna all ran out to see what was happening with Colby and Maria. They could not wait to ask the burning question “how the hell do you know her?”

When they all arrived, Max was the first to ask.

“Colby, how do you know her?” Colby shoved his hands into his dress pants pockets and looked down at the ground.

“From another lifetime ago” he replied walking away from the three. They all just shrugged looking at Sam for some type of answer.

“Afghanistan maybe?” Sam said. Colby was a US Marine before he joined the FBI, and Maria was part of the Canadian Infantry, about five years ago. He thought they could of met there.

“Maybe” Max said. “We’ll find out tonight that’s for sure,” he added as he wrapped his arm around Anna and walked back into the building, and Sam followed
Last edited by Kelsi222 on Sun Feb 15, 2009 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey, I really liked this! It was a great plot, and I wished it was longer. So...onto the review.

She said to the little blonde hair blue eyed girl.

It should be "She said to the little blonde hair,blue eyed girl." With a comma.

Lily raced over from the chalk bored onto her mothers lap and she bounced excitedly.

It should be "Lilly raced over from the chalk board, onto her mother's lap and bounced excitedly."

“When mom!”

You should have a question mark at the end. And if you wanted to get the point across that Lily was excited you could say.. "When mom?" Lily asked excidedly.

Maria also hugged the man she considered her brother since they were Lily’s age.

Did you mean "Maria also hugged the man she considered her brother because they were friends since they were Lily's age." I think that sounds a little less confusing...I think.
“I’ma good Sammy”

Take out the 'A'
"What? Known for my Maxxy?”

I don't understand that.
“Maria, I’d like you to met..”

Did you mean "meet"

Like I said, I really liked this. Great concept, good description. PM me if you edit or put more out pretty please? Good Luck!
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




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alright here is my critique!

I was a cool spring morning as Maria Jenkins and her 3-year-old daughter Lily made their way through the many teenage students that crowed the building’s front area.


I should be an It. little mistake.

As they maneuvered from more students they came to the classroom door with black letters saying


it should be they maneuvered around more students.

finding a piece and white chalk


should be a piece of white chalk.

her name on the bored.


bored should be board.

After all the hugs and “welcome backs” were over the three of them sat in Max’s classroom chairs, and Lily returned to her drawing’s and began to catch up.


this sentence seems to drag on a bit. you could put a period somewhere in there so it does not do so.

Max left his chair to do answer it.


unnecessary do.

Known for my Maxxy?”


i believe this should be none and not known.

Maria’s head pooped up at the man’s name.


should be popped. not pooped.

Colby asked with a sense of urgently in his voice.


should be urgency. not urgently.

sidewalk to met the man that she had loved since the day she saw him.


should be meet. not met.

“Don’t be you bastered! I hate you more then you will ever know, and don’t you even think about contacting me! Got it?” Maria semi-yelled at him. He just nodded; looking sadder then she had ever seen him.


it seems strange that she would say 'dont you dare try contacting me. obviously he was sad for what he did, and if she left he would most likely leave it at that. it just seemed somewhat unnecessary to put it there. also, its bastard, not bastered XD.

She turned to key and drove off, leaving him there alone.


should be the, not to.

“Maybe” Max said. “Will find out tonight that’s for sure,” he added as he wrapped his arm around Anna and walked back into the building, and Sam followed.


strange way to end it, and the last part sounded very run on. also, i'm not sure if you meant to keep the will or if it should have been we'll.

alright that was my critique.

overall, i like the idea of the story. its catchy and interesting, and i did enjoy it quite a lot.

things you should improve on are you little grammer mistakes. read through your work a couple times and i'm sure you'd catch your little mistakes. also, there are a lot of areas that should have had comma's and either didnt or had a period instead. try to catch yourself before it happens or just really read over your work thoroughly.

Good job, and if you want anything else reviewed, just PM me and i will for surely review. you have quite a bit of talent, and i really enjoyed this piece.
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Thank you both for the great reviews!!! I will edit this very soon!! Thanks :)



Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief