where i'm from

I am from half-frozen microwave meals,
From blankets woven for years by hand
And crisp 600 thread count sheets.
I’m from the rusting sputters.
(Out of a car going
Putt, Putt in the frigid winter air.)
I’m from the back lot of life
With its cracked grainy asphalt
And torn monkey bars.
Whose chipped, peeling paint patterns
Peel away like slices of an orange.
I remember their pattern like
The scars on my hands.

I’m from Scrawny Ally-Cats and Strollers,
Whose lives have now been deemed unnecessary.
I am from Limbs that scrimp and save
To buy that cheap, new polyester sweater,
After that new tow, already forgotten,
Tucked away on a dusty shelf.
I’m from apologizes and stony silences
From foreign and new ways,
A new beginning replacing one
Known for eons, gone
In the blink of an eye.

I’m from glazed doughnuts and packaged fortune cookies,
From the mountain of corners cut by
Adults for the children they love,
Set off for a life, alien to their predecessors.
I’m from new cars now old and dying,
Small, box apartments and grand suburbs
Hidden away in a photo album,
Tucked in a safe corner,
Obscured from plain sight.
Old times brighten the air like a tangy fruit freshener,
While happier times remained a misty air,
To hit upon us a ray of light,
A sunspot cast about by the stormy waves.

I am from hope
That rises from its ashes
And unfurls its wings
To fly again.

Hello! I'm wondering if this was an assignment for a class or something? >_< I hope it is, because it's /super/ similar to 'Where I'm From' by George Ella Lyon! I think I might have done something similar in school, or maybe just made lists rather than poems. I'd probably advise you to not use the parentheses in exactly the same way and relatively the same place as in the original though. ^_^

After that new tow, already forgotten,

Tucked away on a dusty shelf.

I’m from apologizes and stony silences

I didn't understand the first line here, either. <_< I mean, I don't know if it was a typo or what, but I can't figure it out. xD Also, I'd recommend saying 'apologies' rather than 'apologizes', since the next item in that list is also a noun. C:

Ohh, and you might also want to stay away from the 'old photo' album image, as a similar image is used in the original as well? <_< I really hope this is for a class. Bahaha.

-Hannah-

Weeeird... I had to do an assignment for school just like this a few days ago. Do you perchance live in New Mexico? I had to mimic George Ella Lyon. I was going to post mine, but now I guess I won't. Be sure you give her some credit for the idea.

I agree with Hannah about the part in parentheses. It is too similar, and I think it looks better without it anyway.

I like your memories though. They're very poetic and original. That part is entirely your own!

Just a little note, the "Putt Putt" part should be italicized.

As for the punctuation and grammar, you seem to have the common mistake of thinking every line must be capitalized. This is very untrue. You see, it's very similar to writing a story. You wouldn't capitalize words after a comma like "She went, And there she was, The place she'd been seeking." When you turn your poem into sentence format, that's how it looks. It's awkward and disrupts the flow. So I've gone through and made all the letter that should be lowercase how they ought to be:

I am from half-frozen microwave meals,
from blankets woven for years by hand
and crisp 600 thread count sheets.
I’m from the rusting sputters.
(out of a car going
putt, putt in the frigid winter air.)
I’m from the back lot of life
with its cracked grainy asphalt
and torn monkey bars.
Whose chipped, peeling paint patterns
peel away like slices of an orange.
I remember their pattern like
the scars on my hands.

I’m from Scrawny Ally-Cats and Strollers,
whose lives have now been deemed unnecessary.
I am from Limbs that scrimp and save
to buy that cheap, new polyester sweater,
after that new tow, already forgotten,
tucked away on a dusty shelf.
I’m from apologizes and stony silences
from foreign and new ways,
a new beginning replacing one
known for eons, gone
in the blink of an eye.

I’m from glazed doughnuts and packaged fortune cookies,
from the mountain of corners cut by
adults for the children they love,
set off for a life, alien to their predecessors.
I’m from new cars now old and dying,
small, box apartments and grand suburbs
hidden away in a photo album,
tucked in a safe corner,
obscured from plain sight.
Old times brighten the air like a tangy fruit freshener,
while happier times remained a misty air,
to hit upon us a ray of light,
a sunspot cast about by the stormy waves.

I am from hope
that rises from its ashes
And unfurls its wings
to fly again.

Looks much better, does it not?

Anywhoo, one last nitpick: I don't like the bit about hope unfurling it's wings and flying... it's way to cliched and unoriginal. Perhaps find another way to describe it?

I loved the memories, to say again. It's very vivid and lyrical! Mine sounds childlike and stupid! xD Kudos!

-Holly

yea it was for class
and thank you for your suggestions

And crisp 600 thread count sheets.

It should be “thread-count”.

I’m from the rusting sputters.
(Out of a car going
Putt, Putt in the frigid winter air.)

The period should be after the part in parenthesis. I also might put ‘putt, putt’ in italics instead of capitalizing the words.

Whose chipped, peeling paint patterns
Peel away like slices of an orange.

You’re using ‘peel’ in the same sentence. I’d find a word to replace one of them.

I am from Limbs that scrimp and save

I’m not really sure why you capitalized “Limbs” here, but I don’t think it’s necessary.

After that new tow, already forgotten,

Did you mean ‘toy’?

I’m from apologizes and stony silences comma
From foreign and new ways,

I’m from new cars now old and dying,
Small, box apartments and grand suburbs
Hidden away in a photo album,
Tucked in a safe corner,
Obscured from plain sight.

These are some of my favorite lines in the poem. It’s something about the rhythm, especially in the first three lines.

Old times brighten the air like a tangy fruit freshener,
While happier times remained a misty air,
To hit upon us a ray of light,

Either you need to change the tense of “remained” to the present “remain” so it’s consistent with the first line, or, if the second two lines I have here are one idea, then you don’t need that comma after the second line.


I also have to agree with Holly (Bittersweet) about the ending. I think the end of your second to last stanza would make a perfectly good ending without that last part.



You did a really good job with this. Just work on tidying it up a little bit. Poems like this are great, because they’re somewhat personalized to a specific area. That makes them very accessible, very easy for people, especially of that area, to relate to them.

Great job!