Heartache Blows Youth Away

ties from burgundy carpet rugs
my back is burnt just as bad
as bad as the burns you left beside my lungs
large flakes feel like chalant dates
times that pass through broken vases of candy corn
just because Halloween is our favourite holiday
we get to wear a mask over our disguise.

I feel like I’m falling through the holes you’ve created for me.
just to avidly kill the difference.
in me.
so we turn the clocks like waves of electric failure.
go back, to the beginning.

the walls are redefining love
in love with closet doors
only to put a rounded coffee stain
on the ripples of today
how much time do we have left
in our couching youth of lame
swirl around this basement out of a sitcom
these friends are substantial.

it is because the butterfly
she walked out of the complex door
lined with DVDs and uncertainties
I’m afraid of commitment
from the socks on my feet
to the sway of the bedroom door.

the tear between my blood and skin
flattens itself to drown in old days
the ones that smell like molded opportunities
freeing from the deeper inner intensity

to go back
go back to junior gumballs of lit candles
burgundy snatched these chances
kissed away the future with thick smoke
red lipstick left on cigarettes
dancing in the light of gross

the walls are rewriting hate.

Um, I think I like it. I wasn't quite sure what it was trying to say most of the time. Like, one minute you're talking about candy corn and Halloween, and then suddenly you're talking about youth and deeper things. I mean, I'm not sure if there was supposed to be a bunch of metaphors in there or if you were aiming for something imagery wise, but it mostly sounded like gibberish. I would try rewording it and some serious editing, because it seems to go off topic and that it was randomly arranged. Another thing: grammar and punctuation. The beginnings of the lines need to be capitalized, and you have some punctuation, but need more. It should also be a bit more... creative? Consistent?

Anyway, not a bad concept just needs some work. My favorite line? Sure, why not:

how much time do we have left
in our couching youth of lame

Like, I think that's what you wanted the entire poem to be like, but you weren't really sure how to get that deeper meaning, that sort of vague yet descriptive style. Wait, what was I trying to say? Well, I don't know how much of this made sense, but anyway good job.

ties from burgundy carpet rugs
my back is burnt just as bad (Just as bad as what? That phrase only works if there's something to compare it to right before)
[s]as bad [/s]as the burns you left beside my lungs
large flakes feel like chalant dates
times that pass through broken vases of candy corn
just because Halloween is our favourite holiday
we get to wear a mask over our disguise.

Interesting beginning. The words are smooth and unique, but be sure not to get lost in pretty phrasing and completely sacrifice all sense and reasoning.

I feel like I’m falling through the holes you’ve created for me.
just to avidly kill the difference.
in me. (I don't get it. At all.)
so we turn the clocks like waves of electric failure.
go back, to the beginning. (No comma needed here.)

the walls are redefining love
in love with closet doors (Your repitition of 'love' clouds the meaning you're ttrying to convey.)
only to put a rounded coffee stain
on the ripples of today
how much time do we have left
in our couching youth of lame
swirl around this basement out of a sitcom (Sitcom? The whole poem is so deep, and then...sitcom?)
these friends are substantial. Which friends?

it is because of the butterfly
she walked out of the complex door
lined with DVDs and uncertainties
I’m afraid of commitment
from the socks on my feet
to the sway of the bedroom door. ('Door' used twice in this stanza. I think you can rework the first one, but the second one is nice.)

the tear between my blood and skin (Tear as in crying, or tear as in rip? That's the problem with Enlgish. It makes us work harder to clarify things. )
flattens itself to drown in old days
the ones that smell like molded opportunities
freeing from the deeper inner intensity

to go back
go back to junior gumballs of lit candles
burgundy snatched these chances
kissed away the future with thick smoke
red lipstick left on cigarettes (This sentence is the best, in my opinion.)
dancing in the light of gross

the walls are rewriting hate.

So! I'm Evi, welcome to YWS, and pleased to meet you. This poem was beautiful. Really, truly beautiful. And I mean that, despite what I'm going to say next.

Here's the catch: it means nothing. Or, rather, it means so much that the poem is straining our brains, and we can hardly containing everything you're throwingat us. It's good to have a poem make us think, but we shouldn't have to decipher the whole poem like it's some ancient heiroglyphic. My suggestions to you are to re-read this, and actually try to see what somebody without any background knowledge of this would see. It's like you've grabbed an 800 page novel and taken the prettiest phrases, given them to us; but we don't know what they mean or where they've come from.

Ya?

Next, capitilazation. Some poems, for effect and added emphasis, omit capitals and get away with it. This one doesn't do that. The lack of proper capitilazation does absolutely nothing for your meaning or excecution, and I believe it would be in your best interests to figure out how to properly add sentences to this. For, it can be done, and it will make it look a lot cleaner.

My suggestions are figuring out what you're trying to say, and saying it. You have beautiul lines here, and wonderous images-- just tie them together into something that makes a bit more sense and has a bit more meaning. Poems should make you feel, and all I felt here was confusion.

Good luck, and PM me if you need help getting around YWS!

~Evi

Based on the title of the poem, I was pleasantly surprised. This wasn't at all what I expected. It's creative, and original. That said, let's move on to the important stuff.

my back is burnt just as badly
[s]as bad[/s] as the burns you left beside my lungs

chalant dates

'Chalant' isn't a word, is it? I couldn't figure out what you actually meant here.

times that pass through broken vases of candy corn

This is a fragment, unless it was intended to be part of another idea? Maybe the line before it? I'd consider adding punctuation to this poem, to clear things like this up.

just to avidly kill the difference. <-- no period there
in me.

go back, <-- no comma here to the beginning.

the walls are redefining love
in love with closet doors
only to put a rounded coffee stain

I couldn't tell where that second line there was supposed to fit. If it's alone, it's a fragment; if it's part of the first line, it's hard to make sense of it. This is another place that gives me the feeling this poem could only improve with more punctuation.

how much time do we have left
in our couching youth of lame
swirl around this basement out of a sitcom
these friends are substantial.

I couldn't make sense of these lines at all, particularily the middle two lines. At this point I'd have to say, you need the punctuation. You can't afford to leave it out, because it's just too confusing. I didn't even know where to begin in analyzing these lines because I couldn't tell which words were meant to be in one sentence together, and which were to be in another.

it is because the butterfly
she walked out of the complex door
lined with DVDs and uncertainties
I’m afraid of commitment
from the socks on my feet
to the sway of the bedroom door.

This is my favorite stanza in the whole poem, especially the first three lines. I love the butterfly reference, and there's just something about the rhythm of those lines that's lovely.

go back to junior gumballs of lit candles

Gumballs of lit candles? Honestly, I don't have a clue what could possibly be meant by that.

dancing in the light of gross

This doesn't make sense to me either. In the light of gross??


A lot of this was hard for me to critique because I was confused, because of the lack of punctuation. That is, I think, the most benficial change you can make, adding punctuation.

But good luck with this, and if you ever want me to take another look at it, feel free to PM me. Keep in mind what I said at the beginning: this is creative and original. Don't lose that, as you edit this. Good luck!