You vs. Me

You're freaking out about tomorrow
What to wear, what to say,
Plotting who you'll play,
To me it's just another day.

Ask if I like you're shining hair
You break in brand new shoes,
Unwittingly accuse,
That I'm too numb to see you.

You can't ever wrap it around you're head,
There are more people out there
Who really do care
And I'm showing through, bare.

Hey there Quiet Loud! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you (By the way, cool oxymoron of a username you have there )


Let's get to business

Your freaking out about tommorrow

What to wear, what to say,

Who to play,

To me it's just another day.

•First line:

- The proper spelling of the "your" you want to use here is "you're". It's a contraction-- meaning that it's the shortened version of "You are".

- tommorrow is correctly spelled as tomorrow; with one M.

• The third line here sounds a bit... fragmented. Maybe add some thing to "fill" it up so that it sounds more attractive .

You want to know what you should wear,

Breaking in your brand new shoes

And accuse,

That I'm too numb to see you.

Eek! You already mentioned about wearing stuff .

• I think that the problem here is the way you've writ this. Like... the tenses are a bit jumbly.


- In the first line, you have You want to know. That's present.

- In the second line you have Breaking in -- that's futuristic present, meaning that in the future, that's what you'll be doing. I think you need to clarify that a bit, dear.

You can't ever wrap it around you're head,

That you're to tough to be a little scared

Pretend to care,

But I'm showing through, bare.

• In the second line, to should be spelled as too.


• These two last lines pose a bit of confusion, dear. It kind of slightly jumbles-- like, we can't actually tell what you're talking about? With a bit of clarification, you'll be great.


* *

Overall, I love the structure you use here. You didn't stray from it once here. In a way, that's good, but in another way, it feels like you forced some parts-- like, tried to squeeze it all into a little space. Don't restrict yourself, dear.

I wanted to know more about the "me". I don't think you gave us enough, dear. It's only at the end when you speak of "me".

It was unique, though. Good job!

June

Keep it up! Feel free to PM me for questions/reviews.

Nice poem. Loved your structure. It was consistent all through out. So congratz on that. I agree with June though, it was forced in some areas.

Hmm.. What I got from your poem is a feeling of rebellion. Non-conformity. And identity. I think this are great concepts to work with. It comes off as a very strong poem with a strong attidtude. This I find evident in your poem. Attitude. What I think it lacks is something vivid. There was no comparison, no imagery, no metaphors... Not that I think it's something poetry should always have I just feel that this poem in particular lacked a lot of descriptions.

I edited and everything so I hope it still works.
Please tell me if it doesn't.
Your comments really helped.

This poem was great, good scheme and everything. Good thought development.
The symmetry of wording (lines) was a little off at points - which I know is impossible to avoid sometimes! - so I would always look out for that and make sure you re-read your poems all the time so that doesn't happen...or happens as less as possible!