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ZakkuAlpha wrote:Lost in a cloud of sorrow
Nothing to look forward to
I'm endlessly walking in circles
Confused and alone

Then a light appeared in front of me
And I walked to it

A new world appeared before me
And I began to look forward to things
Now I understand were I'm going
And I am not alone

I love this! Wow. It's just, wow. At the end I went "Awww..." for some reason but I would take that as a good sign. Very good job! Sorry I can't say much else but your poem wow'd me. Keep it up.

Hey there Zakku Alpha!

I'm June and I am going to review this for you . (And, by the way, welcome to YWS! Hooray for new members!)

So! Your concept here is really good. Perhaps it's not original, and perhaps it's been used before. That doesn't matter. As long as you give us something new and different to care about, then this is great. If you didn't... we'll see .

Here we go!

So, this first stanza you have here isn't exactly clear. It's slightly fuzzy, because we can't tell who/what you're talking about until the third line. You can clarify it like this:

I'm Lost in a cloud of sorrow,

With nothing to look forward to;

I'm endlessly walking in circles,

Confused and alone.

• By adding "I'm" and "With" we're making this more definite, more precise, and clearer for the reader. This is merely a suggestion; if you like it without fixes, that's completely fine, dear .

• I also adding punctuation! (in bold) Punctuation is your work's body language; it tells the reader how something is meant to be read.

*

Then a light appeared in front of me

And I walked to it

• This couplet bothers me -- no offense. It's not that your ideas are bothersome, it's the way you've wrote it, dear.

In the above stanza, you're speaking in present tense. Then, here, you switch to past tense, and I don't like that, especially since this comes after.

If I'm not clear about past/present tense, it's this:

Present: I am writing this critique for you.

Past: I wrote this critique for you.

To be "correct" with this, you should either change the above stanza to past tense, OR, change this to present. Changing this to present would be:

Then, a light appears in front of me,
And I walk to it.


*

A new world appeared before me,

And I began to look forward to things;

Now I understand were I'm going,

And I am not alone.

•Minor Error: were in the third line should be, where.


• Repetition of ideas, phrases, or anything in a poem is generally not liked/appreciated, but! I somehow like the way you repeated appeared before me in these two couplets. It's somehow giving a "complete" feel to this poem.


• Suggestion: In this last stanza, the closing line feels short-- almost as if it's rushed. I'm not sure if changing it to, I know I am not alone, would make this part any better. To me, it sounds more complete, but that's my opinion. It's up to you-- the author-- to decide what changes you want to make. I'm merely here for suggestions and comments .


* * *

Overall, I liked this a lot. You didn't go off and complain about your cloud of sorrow, explaining what caused it and whatever-- you simply went straight from the sorrow to the light at the end of the tunnel (:P Pardon the metaphor) and you gave this a "complete" feeling to it.

I love that you didn't tickle with rhyme here. The unrhymed flow that this poem has is perfect. I really, really enjoyed this.

Keep it up! I look forward to seeing more work from you (and I hope I wasn't too harsh!).

Feel free to PM me with any questions, or if you'd like a review .

Welcome aboard!

June

Hello.

You're kind of new so welcome here.

This poem reminded me of speeches about hope. So, the way I underestood this, it is about hope. I really liked this partly because it's about hope and hope is my favorite topic to write and read about for some reason.

Hmm... My problem with this poem is that it's too short. The first stanza was developing the scene of your predicament. Feeling lost and alone... And then it stops. I think that the problems in the first part needed more development and elaboration.

Anyway, that's all. Love your ending.